Things That Go Through Your Head While Attending a Graduation

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In honor of the graduation season upon us, I made a list of the following thoughts that ran through my head during Sunday’s Boston University Commencement Ceremony.

(Booming over the loudspeaker system) Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Please rise to welcome the Boston University Class of 2015. 

Okay, so it’s starting on time. 1:00 p.m. on the dot. Way to go BU. Oh, look, the graduates are walking in. They all look so pretty and wonderful. What a great day!

It’s getting kind of hot out here. Couldn’t they move graduation indoors, or move it to early April or something? At least I don’t have to walk or do anything. I can just sit here and enjoy this “special” day.

Woof, I am sweating. Are we supposed to stand the whole time that they process? How long do I have to clap before it is appropriate for me to stop? Do I have to smile the whole time? I mean, I’m happy for them all, but I only know 1/10 of 1% of these students.

I wish could have worn a robe to this graduation. My robe. In my house. In my bed.

Ugh, my bed. Why am I here again? Oh, right, right. Graduation.

I wonder how many of these students are drunk or hung over right now. If this were me, I would be drinking 24/7 on graduation weekend. Celebrating college right. Should I have brought a cocktail to this thing? It’s supposed to be 2 hours long and it is so hot out today.

Why are these graduates still walking? It has been like an hour. I get that there are like 4,000 of them, but come on. WALK WITH A PURPOSE.

Did I just say that out loud?? *looks around* Nope? Good. I should probably go back to smiling silently again.

Maybe that kid that wrote “Hire Me” on the top of his graduation cap should have tried the career center. Just a suggestion.

Still walking, come on graduates move faster. Should I pretend to have a disability or a bum leg or something? Maybe I can pretend to faint so that I can sit down. But I’m standing in the bleachers and I’d probably have to fall in some rando’s lap. And then I would probably have to leave to “see a doctor” or something and that would be so much effort. Ugh, I guess I’ll just stand. *Shifts from left leg to right, and then back again*

(Singing softly to myself) Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum!

Am I really singing the graduation song right now? What would it take to get the BU band to play Vitamin C’s Graduation Song? I would pay to hear that one.

Wow the faculty get to wear the coolest hats. They almost look like they should be court jesters in an old Victorian period piece. I wonder if you have to special order those. That seems like the kind of thing that would just be helpful to have. Maybe I should get one? Halloween is coming up…

OMG MEREDITH VIEIRA.

1:10 p.m.

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