The show opens with Kaitlyn waking up in full make-up. It’s unclear whether she put the make-up on the night before or whether it is permanently tattooed on her face. (Side note: I love how relatable these women are.) Kaitlyn talks with Chris Harrison and comes to the conclusion that the proposal is the part of the show that she is looking forward to the most. We’re three weeks in and she is just now realizing this. 

Britt is still on the show. WE ARE THREE EPISODES IN. Seriously, let’s drop her. Also, she is always crying. I don’t know if this is in the works but she could definitely land an endorsement deal with Kleenex. If Puffs would ever ditch the commercials with the little cartoon girl sneezing, Britt would make a good replacement. Brady, the singer-songwriter from Nashville, shows up at her door. He wants to win her over and if he could only stop her from crying, I would be forever grateful. 

The first group dates are this episode. For those of you unfamiliar with the show, the group dates are pretty self-explanatory. Somewhere between three and eight of the guys go on a “date” with the bachelorette. It’s always awkward and usually pretty ridiculous. Major brownie points go to the man who can stand out amongst the crowd. 

Eight of the boys are shuttled to a boxing studio where, you guessed it (or maybe you didn’t, the one-way conversation I’m having with you doesn’t allow for much interaction), Laila FREAKIN’ Ali is there. Watching these boys box against Laila Ali, and the 110-pound Kaitlyn, is really entertaining. Kupah, one of the boys on the date, seems to really want to learn how to box. I think he is missing the point of the show. Laila Ali announces that the boys will be competing against each other. I, and every other girl watching this show, appreciate the opportunity to begin judging the boys on their shirtless bodies. Thank you, ABC, for allowing us to judge these books by their covers. It was getting exhausting pretending that their personalities were all that matter, and it is really hard to tell who is ripped underneath their three-piece suits. 

Ben H. is wearing converse. This boxing match doesn’t look good for him. He’s scrawny, NOT BUILT, and spends the whole date “mentally preparing” himself. 

Oh lord, they gave all of the boys boxing nicknames. However, naming them “The Zinger” and “Juggernaut” doesn’t make them seem any more like professional boxers. Ben Z., “the one hundred eighty pound brick wall,” wins. Ben Z. and Kaitlyn bond over the fact that their parents both used to cook food. Or maybe it was something else, I had a hard time understanding what they actually had in common. Ben Z.’s mother passed away from cancer; J.J. is a single father; Daniel has his own furniture design company. Everyone is very vulnerable. Particularly Daniel. 

Jared, runner-up to the boxing match who is now back from THE HOSPITAL (he got pretty beat up by Ben Z. in the final round), comes back and makes out with Kaitlyn. Ben Z. gets the rose. And the crowd goes wild. Well, actually no one is cheering. 

Clint and Kaitlyn go on the first one-on-one date. Clint’s answer to If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be? was “Chuck Norris, for obvious reasons.” This is just background so you get an idea of who he is. Kaitlyn and Clint are going to be doing an underwater photo shoot for their one-on-one date. Good, all first dates should definitely be accompanied by a risk of drowning. The photos end up looking really strange; Kaitlyn’s eyes are closed, and Clint’s are open. He looks a bit like a serial killer trying to drown her. 

I cannot believe Tony “the healer” is still on this show. Is Tony crying or are his eyes just really watery? He also called Kaitlyn, Britt. Time for the next group date. 

AMY SCHUMER IS ON THE SHOW. I briefly died, and then came back to life. J.J. is the worst. He is cocky, he is rude, and Amy Schumer doesn’t like him. That’s three strikes. Let’s send him home. All of the boys are expected to perform stand-up comedy in front of an audience. Tony “the healer” thinks that he has been training for this his whole life, however he chooses to open up about his feelings and emotions instead of telling a joke. I kid you not, he does not tell one joke. J.J. got up and made fun of Tony and it made me root for Tony in a way that makes me deeply uncomfortable. And then Tony compared Kaitlyn to a combination lock. I can’t emphasize enough how strange he is. The look on Kaitlyn’s face as they talk privately suggests that she agrees with me. Kaitlyn gave J.J. the rose.

Somehow, an hour and fifty-five minutes into the show, Shawn B. hasn’t shown up once. If I didn’t believe so strongly that he was going to go far in this show, I would be worried. But I know he will. (I’m a firm believer that belief creates fact. And by believing that, it is therefore fact.) 

Kupah confronted Kaitlyn about why he is still on the show. He believes that he is only still on the show because he is a minority. His point isn’t entirely misguided and, if you don’t believe me, you should check out the previous casts of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Later, Kaitlyn overhears him talking about their conversation with the other guys and decides to send him home before the rose ceremony. DRAMA. Kupah starts to get violent and then, of course, Chris Harrison chimes in with: 

Tune in for Next Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette.