This week’s episode of The Bachelorette is a two-parter. In part one, Captain von Trapp hires fraulein Maria to be a nanny to his seven kids. In part two, he and Maria get married and fight the Nazis.
Wait, sorry guys. I’m doing that thing again where I mix up The Bachelorette and The Sound of Music. They both are set in scenic locales, they both heavily feature conflict, it’s an easy mistake.
When we left ABC last, Kenny and Lee were in the midst of a heated argument. Unsurprisingly, Kenny and Lee do not have the conflict resolution skills necessary to resolve this one, and end their argument with nothing solved.
Luckily for both them and us, the group date ends quickly with Bryan walking away with the rose (and our hearts). Ah, Bryan. I love that prince, but also he needs to tone it down because he’s starting to seem a little smarmy.
But never fear, the night ends and the sun rises. Go figure. The next day, Rachel preps for a one-on-one date with Jack. Backstory on Jack – he’s an attorney, from Dallas, in his 30s. Subtext: he’s the male version of Rachel. They go on a date in the same southern town from The Notebook, but unfortunately do not find everlasting love. Rachel’s like, “I want none of you, forever, just me and me, every day.”
Rachel says, “He’s the perfect guy on paper,” which every girl in the world know translates to “he’s not the perfect guy in person.”
Back at the house, Will (the most level-headed and put-together guy in the house), attempts to explain to Lee the longstanding history of people categorically calling black men “aggressive,” and how Lee’s comments may have struck a cord with Kenny. Lee lacks a certain open-mindedness, or willingness to acknowledge he may not know everything, which are two defaults that would not serve him well in marriage or life. Seriously if he can’t admit when he’s wrong, he’ll never make a good husband.
Back on the date with Jack Stone, Rachel is unable to connect with him. She just doesn’t feel that X-factor.
What more can she say? While sitting at dinner, Rachel comes clean and tells him that she’s not feeling the Jack-love and sends him home. MIC DROP.
Post-Jack’s departure, Rachel cancels the cocktail party and heads right to the roses. To the victors the spoiled:
The Rose Less Traveled: Matt, Adam, Alex, Will, Eric, Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, and LEE (AGAIN.)
Bye-Centennials: Iggy and Tickle-monster.
What’s next, ABC? OSLO.
Finally Bryan’s due for his one-on-one date. The setting: Oslo. The date: Unclear, maybe November? You never can tell with this show.
Up first on the date’s agenda? A trip on mass-transit. It’s a little bit more romantic than my morning commute, and they eventually head to the top of an Olympic venue where they plan on repelling off a massive structure. Mid-repel they make out. Needless to say, by the end of the date Rachel and I both are investing in real estate on Bryan Boulevard.
At dinner later that night, Bryan and Rachel commiserate over the fact that they were late bloomers. Bryan tells Rachel about a past relationship (he’s a little sketchy on the details), and then confesses that he is falling in love with her. They make out (a lot) and are both feeling the love.
The next day calls for a group-date. A bunch of the guys are headed to a handball-themed group date (anyone else getting P.E.-related flashbacks right now?). At the house, Bryan warns Kenny, “Be the bigger man.” Hmm, Bryan. I’m not sure that’s what’s going to happen today. But snaps for trying to keep the peace.
During the handball game, Peter get’s very handsy with Rachel, to which she calls “Where’s the foul?” The referee is nowhere to be found.
The only real winner in the handball game is Peter, who felt Rachel up. At the cocktail party later, other big winners include Will, Alex and Peter again. PEACE, LOVE, PETER.
On a balcony looking out over all of Oslo, Peter tells Rachel that they have to stop kissing so that they can cover more ground emotionally. Rachel agrees that they need to get to know each other better emotionally and suggests they get into the hot tub. They cover more ground alright.
Will walks away from the group date with the rose (love Will) much to the chagrin of Peter. He put himself out there in multiple ways (roll the hot tub footage!).
It’s time for the dreaded two-on-one date, AKA the most awkward threesome since Jude Law, Sienna Miller and their nanny.
This date, in summary: Scenery is beautiful. Drama is sub-par. During the date, Lee makes his feelings toward Kenny very clear. I can’t even talk about this stupid-ass drama anymore. Neither of them are top six material. Cut ’em loose!
In the end, Rachel sends Lee home and gives Kenny the opportunity to win the rose later that night.
Sitting on the couch a few hours later, Rachel and Kenny discuss what they’re looking for in a future romance. Kenny pours his heart out a little bit and Rachel feels his sincerity. He gets the rose and shares a tearful moment via iPhone with his daughter. This episode of The Bachelorette brought to you by Apple.
All in all, I’m cool with Kenny moving forward to the next round. After all, he’s got more chemistry with her than let’s say, Adam. Can anyone confirm that Rachel and Adam have even spoken?
Time for another rose ceremony:
The Rose Must Go On: Adam and Matt?? Seems like a clerical error. Also Alex, Peter, Bryan, Dean and many other solid contenders.
Joe Bye-dens: Anthony and Josiah.
Before Seneca Crane can even put the images of the fallen tributes up in the sky, the rest of the cast is on its way to Denmark.
In Denmark, the first one-on-one date goes to Prince Eric (sorry not sorry I got The Little Mermaid on my mind). After way too many Copen/Open-to-love puns, Prince Eric and Rachel head out on the town and stumble upon a hot tub in the middle of the town square.
In the hot tub they make out, get an eyeful from a naked Danish man, and take a public bath. Later for some evening fun, Rachel and Eric head to a carnival where they ride bumper cars, play whack-a-mole, and go on a ferris wheel. I have to say, if the body language is to be believed, Eric is final three material.
At dinner Eric confesses to Rachel that he has never felt love from his family or from a girl. In response she gives him the one-on-one rose and many kisses. I think Eric is in this for the long haul, mark my words.
For this week’s group date, the boys and Rachel row a boat through the Baltic sea, and head to a nondescript Nordic shore where they are immediately immersed in some good old-fashioned Viking fighting training. It’s basically a Viking wrestling match. Unsurprisingly, the professional wrestler (Kenny) wins the match.
Later on the group date, Bryan tries to tell Rachel all of the wonderful things in their future. Rachel’s a little pessimistic (read: realistic) about her relationship with Bryan. Bryan assuages her fears and they seem to be FALL-ING faster than Amy Biggart that one time she ate shit and fell headfirst down a massive flight of stairs in college. (For any readers that went to college with me, it was the staircase inside the GSU at Boston University, and over/under 40 people witnessed it.)
Other solid contenders on this group date? PETER. Peter and Rachel share a super cute moment on the couch during which they talk about how difficult it is for them to open up.
Side note: At this point in the season it appears that Matt is only in the competition so that he can ask the big players how they’re feeling. This point is proved further when, during their one-on-one time, Matt and Rachel discuss how Kenny’s been feeling this week.
In all fairness to Matt, Kenny does seem shaken up during the group date. When he sits down to talk to Rachel about his feelings she tells him that he should go home to his daughter. Keeping it one hundred, Rachel. Way to go. Rachel ends the group date by giving Peter the rose. 2/2 on the night, Rach.
With romance still lingering in the air, it’s time for Will’s date. While I had high hopes for Will (who didn’t?), he falters on this one-on-one. He’s not really giving Rachel anything to work with, and she is not feeling romanced. She takes him to the Carlsberg factory for dinner and for the ultimate test: Can he prove himself to her?
Sadly, he cannot. Rachel puts a dagger in his heart when she sends him home. SECOND MIC DROP. He might have deserved another chance, but I won’t second guess her judgement. She’s a lawyer and BAE, after all.
Are we seriously at the third rose ceremony in two days? I’m getting whiplash watching these guys leave this season of The Bachelorette. Anyway, here’s the results of our final rose ceremony this week:
Roses Parting the Red Sea: Dean, Bryan, Matt (by accident??), and Adam.
Simone Bye-les: Alex.
I think I speak on behalf of all of America when I say, what now? Rachel is keeping Matt and Adam? Hmm, I will be pondering this for the rest of the week or for at least a few minutes tonight.
Sigh. Well I guess until next week peeps? Only 6 men left, which means there’s a 17% chance each of these guys will win.
More likely, there’s a 33% chance that either Eric, Peter or Bryan will win. The rest of the boys don’t stand a chance. (Love you anyway, Dean.)