Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Dallas where we lay our scene. From ancient grudge break to new rose ceremonies, Where civil group dates make civil drama unclean. 

Tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette involves two fewer suicides than Romeo & Juliet, but let’s be real, just as much drama. Should I do this blog post in iambic pentameter? 

Hey but it’s time for a date with Rachel’s family. And our first Romeo is actually a Peter. Peter’s dinner with Rachel’s family goes well… sort of. He admits for the first time (in front of her family) that he is falling in love with her, and she seems as surprised as we all are.

Rachel’s family is pretty skeptical, maybe because Peter continues to say he isn’t going to pop that question at the end of “this journey.” But, it’s not the most non-sensical thing I’ve ever heard, you know? Not feeling ready to spend the rest of your life with someone you met six weeks ago? It’s actually rational.  

Our Peter bonds with the family, with Rachel’s nephew and continues to tentatively express strong feelings for Rachel. At this point, I’m not sure if it seems super genuine, or a little wishy-washy. Either way… let’s pray for Peter. Because Bryan ain’t leaving his Miami playboy life to be with Rachel, and I think we all know Eric is a third place contender. 

Next up is Eric, or Count Paris, as I’ll call him. (Only because they both have the same chance of ending up with the girl in the end of this stage play.) 

He and Rachel look over the city of Dallas, while she prepares him for the family date. It gets very cute when Eric asks Rachel what she likes about him, and she says, “I don’t know, you’re alright.” He laughs, I laugh, America laughs. And I look forward to seeing what’s next for Eric although I don’t think it involves a key to a fantasy suite. Unless by chance the hotel they put him in after he gets sent home is called The Fantasy Suites. Which would be like a really cruel thing for the producers to do. 

Eric does alright during the family date, and does end up asking her mother for her permission to ask Rachel to marry him. But it’s all a little bit off. Sort of like when you put your contact lens in inside out. You know? Okay enough with the metaphors, back to iambic pentameter. 

It’s time for Bryan’s date. Bryan, ever the charmer, and Rachel don their matching watches and head to brunch with her girlfriends. It’s an interesting meal. I think, at least. I sort of stopped watching in the middle. When he arrives at her family’s house, Bryan is oozing charm. Emphasis on the word, “oozing,” as in, “yuck, what is that goop oozing out of your open wound?” Okay, pushed it too far again. Let me reign it in.

Luckily for America, Rachel’s family is not buying into his charm. They question him pretty aggressively, particularly when he professes to love her family after only an hour and a half. Give it some time, Bryan. Give it some time. 

He asks her mother for her blessing, which she tenuously gives to him. Again, Bryan, you are moving a little fast. Slow down bud. 

Post Bryan’s date, the remaining contestants (using the word contestants to remind myself that these people are reality television stars and not my friends), head to Spain. After scenic clips of the boys all walking through los calles, Rachel takes Eric out for a one-on-one date. They fly high above the vineyards, and sit on a beautiful brick wall with a glass of champagne. Eric’s voiceover says “Love, it’s easy. You know?” 

No, Eric. I’m pretty sure love is complicated. And not because I’ve ever been in love. But because people talk about it wayyyy too often for it to be easy. And also because ABBA sang a song called, “Love Isn’t Easy,” and ABBA always sings the truth. ALWAYS. (This will be proved later.) I know I should be worried about bounce rates and time on my site, but why don’t you just navigate away from my blog and go watch that music video right now. I’ll wait. 

At dinner later that night, Eric confesses his love to Rachel, and she forks over the fantasy suite card. The bell tolls overhead and they stroll to their hotel room. Cue romantic music, and weird shots of their clothes sitting in neat piles in unconventional spots in the room come morning. I mean, producers, come on. No one folds their clothes in a neat pile at the end of the bed every night. Ahh, one overnight date down. Two to go. 

Next up, Pedro. “Raquel and Pedro” actually sounds very cute. For their date, they sit outside of a wine cellar and drink a little a vino. Raquel artfully places a blanket over her legs even though it looks very warm out.

Rachel and Peter discuss that he might not be ready to get married at the end of this, but before she can offer up her two cents on the most important conversation of their relationship, they head to go stomp on some grapes. Idk, but this convo seems a little bit more important than the grapes, no? 

Later that night, Peter and Rachel return to their pre-grapes conversation, and apparently reach a stalemate. The weird part is that they both want the same end game. They just have different ways of getting to it. Basically, Peter just needs an extra six months of dating before he proposes. It’s exhausting. I just don’t want to see Peter leave, since he’s so clearly the best one. 

They are contestants, Amy. Not your friends. Repeat that: they are contestants. Not your friends. 

Unluckily for all of us, that’s where the episode ends – with Peter and Rachel in limbo, and us all on the metaphorical edge of our seats. Ah, life was so much simpler for Pedro and Raquel. What’s next for Peter and Rachel? I think a great band prophesized their future best with the lyrics, “I’ve played all my cards, and that’s what you’ve done too. Nothing more to say, no more ace to play…” 

THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL. ABBA YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN.  

Until next time, folks.