The bachelor recap

This Week’s Episode of The Bachelor: Cars and Girls

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Check your Bachelor fantasy league scores and hunker down, here’s what you missed on this week’s episode of The Bachelor.

Another January, another journey for love. Where does ABC start off this season? Thankfully, with a recap of Arie’s journey through The Bachelor franchise, to remind young millennials just exactly who he is.

I have to admit, I’m a pretty big fan of The Bachelor, and even I didn’t know who Arie Luyendyk Jr. was when they announced the 36 year-old, racecar-driver-turned-real-estate-agent as The Bachelor. (I’m sure I’ll learn to pronounce his name at some point.)

And to jog our memories even more, ABC schedules a sitdown meeting between Sean Lowe (The Bachelor five years ago), his wife Catherine, and Arie. You’ll remember Sean as the only Bachelor in this history of the show to remain with the woman to whom he gave his final rose. Yep, those are the odds we’re working with. (The Bachelorette has a success rate closer to 50%, for reference.)

the bachelor recap

This year, Sean offers up some subpar advice. You’ll remember it as the same advice that he gave to Ben and Chris Soules two and three years respectively. As they are currently both single, take his advice as you will.

ABC highlights a few women with video montages that could double as The Real World audition reels. Here’s what we’re working with this season:

Caroline, a realtor from Massachusetts (who went to high school with my cousin!), Nysha, a nurse from South Carolina, Tia, a physical therapist from Arkansas (who was friends with Raven from last year’s season), and a taxidermy enthusiast (which is a thing, I suppose?), named Kendall from California. Oh, Kendall. 

the bachelor recap

After the intro videos, I have a few thoughts running through my head: To the girl from Salt Lake who is so used to being pursued that she’s never had to pursue a guy before, you can see your way out; and to the 23 year-old professional photographer, Maquel, why did you put a sheet over the bride and groom you were photographing?

Based on my first impressions of the girls walking out of the limo, my favorites are Caroline, Jacqueline, Krystal (the Amanda Stanton of this season), and Bekah.

But, far and away, the best part of this whole show is that each girl seems genuinely surprised by the number of other girls that arrive. As if the number of contestants drastically changes one year versus the next.

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And overall, my biggest takeaway is that ABC is recruiting Laurens at an alarmingly fast rate. There are four Laurens this season, up from only two Laurens two years ago. That’s an 100% increase in only 2 years! At this rate, the entire show will be entirely Laurens in less than 5 years. (I predict season 27.)

The first night of The Bachelor is always fiercely uncomfortable to watch, and this season doesn’t disappoint. But, they hit a new low when one girl asks Arie to  smell her pits. You know? To make a good first impression. At that point I genuinely had to put my head in my hands.

the bachelor recap head in hands

After the introductions come to a close (I would’ve recapped them but they were surprisingly underwhelming this year), Arie proposes a toast, “To getting a second chance for love.” Then, each girl attempts to chokes down their cocktails before stealing him for a little alone time. Ah, the bloodbath begins. First up is Chelsea.

As the night wears on, girls literally line up to get their turn to speak to Arie for 30 seconds. A few highlights from their 30 second conversations: Brittany and Arie race child-sized cars, one girl gives him a foot massage, and Caroline and Arie eat pizza. Props to Caroline. Theirs could be the most powerful pizza-related love story since Pizza My Heart.

And, as the night progresses, a new Olivia Caridi (remember her from Ben’s season?) emerges from the crowd. And yes, it’s Chelsea. She breaks the cardinal Bachelor rule, by pulling Arie aside for a second conversation before every girl even has a chance to talk to him once. And throughout the episode, she provides more UV protection than a Sunglass Hut. (*BECAUSE*OF*ALL*HER*SHADE*)

Unsurprisingly, she, too, wins the first impression rose. I’ve got my eye on you, Chelsea.

We blink and it’s time for the rose ceremony. As the sun begins to rise over the desert location of The Bachelor mansion, the girls shift nervously in their stilettos. But, unlike the two hour premiere episode, I won’t keep you waiting. Here are last night’s (read, last September’s) victors:

Still in the Driver’s Seat: Caroline, Maquel, Annaliese, Chelsea, Jacqueline, Bekah, Tia, and presumably at least two of the Laurens.

Not on Track: Brittane, Jessica, Olivia, and at least one of the Laurens.

As a side note, I’ve come to the rather upsetting realization that many of these girls are younger than me… and yet are somehow ready for marriage. Along with Bekah’s mysterious age (which I’ve heard is 22), this is something I’ll have to ponder between this week and next. 

Until then…

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What You Missed on Last Night’s Episode of The Bachelorette: The Winner Takes It All

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Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Dallas where we lay our scene. From ancient grudge break to new rose ceremonies, Where civil group dates make civil drama unclean. 

Tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette involves two fewer suicides than Romeo & Juliet, but let’s be real, just as much drama. Should I do this blog post in iambic pentameter? 

What You Missed On This Week’s The Bachelorette: Norway Is Matt in the Final Six?

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This week’s episode of The Bachelorette is a two-parter. In part one, Captain von Trapp hires fraulein Maria to be a nanny to his seven kids. In part two, he and Maria get married and fight the Nazis. 

Wait, sorry guys. I’m doing that thing again where I mix up The Bachelorette and The Sound of Music. They both are set in scenic locales, they both heavily feature conflict, it’s an easy mistake.  

What You Missed On The Bachelorette: Can’t She Just Be Romanced?

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Wow there is a crazy showdown at the start of this week’s episode. Squaring off in one corner, weighing in at 225 lbs we have Eric, the personal trainer. And in the other corner, weighing in at 165 lbs (soaking wet) we have Lee, the singer-songwriter.

As well all know, in the storied history of one-on-one altercations, singer-songwriters almost always come out on top. 

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What You Missed On The Bachelorette: Basketball Is My Favorite Sport (Finish The Lyric)

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As Memorial Day came to a close I thought back on all the sacrifices our soldiers made for our country. And I couldn’t help but wonder, are we all soldiers in the war for love? 

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Okay, that’s my one and only shot at being Carrie Bradshaw. Here’s what you missed on this week’s edition of The Bachelorette: 

Another Bachelorette Recap: Another Journey To Love

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So how about that episode of Dancing with the Stars last night, right? Just kidding guys, you know why we’re here. The Bachelorette is back. 

Is everybody ready to take off your lawyer hat and put on your love hat? (Paraphrased slightly from Rachel’s opening intro.) 

As Chris Harrison is quick to point out, our Bachelorette, Rachel, has everything. Great friends, a loving family, a powerful career… she’s just missing one thing: the most expensive dating app on the market, ABC. 

What You Missed on The Bachelor: Hasta La Cheese Pasta

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When we left Nick last, ABC had just manufactured a meet-up with everyone’s favorite of his ex-girlfriends. No, no, it wasn’t Kaitlyn. It was Andi. Remember Andi? 

If you’re wondering why Andi’s there, you are not alone. Me, Nick, most of Bachelor Nation, and possibly even Andi herself, are with you. It basically makes no sense for her to be there.

What You Missed on The Bachelor: In Rachel We Trust

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When this week’s episode starts everyone is reeling from the bomb that Nick dropped. You remember, when Nick said he wasn’t sure this show would work out for him? Well, to clarify, not everyone is reeling. A very select group of six women on a reality show are shocked that Nick might not find love. 

Most people, law of averages say, are not reeling from Nick’s declaration that he may not find love on the show. Most people probably forgot that it happened in last week’s episode and just carried on with their lives unfazed by the speed bumps on Nick’s road to true love. Or (more likely) they don’t watch The Bachelor at all. 

What You Missed on The Bachelor: Maybe Don’t Tell Him You Want to Choke Him?

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When we last saw our friends they were in New Orleans, in the midst of the two-on-one date from hell. Taylor had made the gutsy decision to re-interrupt Corinne’s dinner date with Nick. Tonight’s episode features fourteen people on a search for love. These are their stories. *Dun Dun*

Taylor the re-interruptor (no comic book deal pending), comes back from the dead* to give Nick a stern talking to and to remind him that Corinne is NOT there for the right reasons.

*What do you mean they don’t kill the women off after they get kicked off the show? I thought that was part of the structure of the show. Sigh.

What You Missed On The Bachelor: Michael Jordan, Abraham Lincoln, Corinne. All the Greats.

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We have a new president and yet we’re still watching the same drama on The Bachelor. How many weeks in a row can Corinne behave like a child before she gets the boot? Let’s find out. 

When we left off, Vanessa and Nick were in a heated conversation about Corinne. Vanessa calls him on HIS SHIT, and has a real take-it-or-leave-it attitude which I really admire. Nick leaves the mansion for a few hours, giving the girls plenty of time to confront Corinne before they have to start putting their faces on for the rose ceremony.