And now we’re back. From outer space. We just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. If you (for some ungodly reason) missed the last episode, you can catch up with my recap from last week here.
The gist of the two minute introduction to this week’s episode is that Chad is last year’s JJ, without a buddy Clint, and without the opportunity for redemption on Bachelor in Paradise. For those of you who don’t know what that means, let’s just say that he seems like trouble right here in river city, with a capital “T” that rhymes with “C” which stands for Chad. On a completely separate note, I cannot watch another montage of JoJo standing on a balcony thinking things. As I watch I make up my own dialogue for what she is thinking.
How have you been? Of course, I’m asking more out of politeness and courtesy than anything else. If I think back hard enough I can remember how you have been feeling lately, how I was feeling six years ago. Congrats on finally getting your braces off, by the way. Metal-free is the way to be, after all. I actually am writing with a purpose larger than just congratulating you on your metal-free existence. If you can tear yourself away from David Caruso and his sunglasses and whatever Sean Kingston song just came out, I want to tell you some things.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. My excitement level is off the walls right now, guys. This is as exciting as Christmas morning, my birthday and National Mac & Cheese Day all combined and then squared. I will say this, I definitely haven’t gathered enough GIFs of the singer JoJo for this upcoming season. I’m a little unprepared, TBH. I’ve written JoJo (the singer) to request that she come out with some new music just so that I can use it for the blog, but her representatives have yet to reply. (Is JoJo even high profile enough to have representatives? Will ponder that.)
As I write this I am pounding red wine trying to keep up with The Bachelorette drinking game (where there are no winners; everyone is the loser), and struggling to keep up. You basically have to drink every time someone monologues while looking into the distance. So after just the introduction, where JoJo looks longingly at a fountain, at a stream, at the oceanside, I’m getting tipsy and have to quit this game. But let the episode begin:
For all of the excitement and praise you receive on graduation day, no one ever thinks to warn you about how sad it really is to graduate. In between the “You did it’s” and the “We’re so proud of you’s” is just the most frightening mixture of nostalgia, fear and lack of control. I felt it yesterday, sitting at my dorm room window, looking over the field as the maintenance staff of Boston University cleaned up discarded water bottles, graduation ceremony programs and graduation caps that were thrown into the air one minute and then left behind the next.
Another week, another very confused recap.
So, as we all remember, Jon Snow is alive. You know? Because why not bring him back to life? The guy who’s been like way too attached to Jon Snow’s corpse these three episodes, stands over Jon Snow as he finally wakes up. He asks Jon what he remembers, and Jon Snow remembers that he was stabbed and died. The Red Woman, whose magic haircut actually worked and brought Jon Snow back to life, asks Jon what he saw on the other side but he can’t remember anything. She also says something about Jon being a prince, but I thought he was a lord so that’s a little confusing also.
Take two of this terribly uneducated and ill-informed recap of Game of Thrones, here we go:
An old guy lurks in the middle of the woods and a boy is on the ground dead. In what looks to be a flashback the two of them are watching these two little boys sword fight when suddenly a girl rides in on a huge white horse. The first boy, who I’m pretty sure isn’t dead but is dreaming, is watching creepily over these children playing, and reveals that the boys and girl playing are his father, uncle and aunt, respectively. I guess he’s dreaming? I’m really not sure. Maybe it’s magic? I have no idea. When the old guy says it’s time to go, he immediately brings the boy back to what might be the chamber of secrets. At least it looks like that to me.