What You Missed on the “Emotional” Season Finale of The Bachelorette: Oh No, JoJo. (Unfortunate Rhyme)

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It’s the finale finally. Are you all ready to find out the winner of The Bachelorette (aka JoJo’s future ex-boyfriend)? Let’s do this. 

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What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: It Actually Is Too Little Too Late

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Just based off where last week’s episode ended and where this one begins, it seems to me that JoJo has been out there on that tarmac crying for this past week without stop. For those of you who missed last week’s episode, it ended with JoJo running off onto the airplane hangar they were on and crying into the darkness.

For the past week, the rest of America has been sitting on the edge of their seats begging for an answer to this question: Is she going to send Luke home? That was the teaser to the end of last week’s episode. For those of you who missed it, JoJo was about to dump Luke when he pulled her aside to tell her he loves her. JoJo, I can relate. The last time just as I was about to dump a hot veteran who was in love with me (and was basically a male protagonist in a Nicholas Sparks’ novel), he told me he loved me too. It’s rough, but I made it through and so will you. 

What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: What Even Are The Right Reasons?

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There was a lot of reality television on last night, wasn’t there? But, relax. I’ll stick to what I know: The Bachelorette

It’s hometown week. Come on, y’all. This week’s episode has to be a good one. (FYI, I’ll be adding the “y’all” periodically as I see fit during these hometown dates. We’re going to Texas, after all.) 

The first hometown date of the episode is Chase. This is the portion of the episode I’ll refer to as:  “The right relationship is everything.” For Chase’s hometown date, he brought JoJo to some random mountain in Colorado. I have to say that at first, it was a little unclear if he lived on the mountain or if there was a house somewhere for them to go. While sitting on the mountain, Chase confesses to JoJo that his parents are divorced and that the divorce was about as messy as one of JoJo’s top knots. More on this later.

What You Missed on this Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: Is Anyone Even Surprised Anymore?

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The episode starts with a classic boy pow-wow, where the guys talk vulnerability. Chris Harrison comes to explain, mostly to the viewers, that there will be three one-on-one dates and a group date this week. Farquaad is getting nervous about this, because he hasn’t had a one-on-one date yet, and thus feels like his relationship isn’t moving fast enough. If this were a Skimm headline, it would say:

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU FIND OUT YOUR BOSS DOESN’T KNOW YOUR NAME…

What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: How Do You Say Awkward in Spanish?

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The Bachelorette heading to Buenos Aires, Argentina, means that the Spanish language is about to be butchered worse than when I took Fourth Semester Spanish last Spring. (Only you know what that means, Profesora Datel.) So Chris Harrison, who decided to leave behind his Netflix and chill session and make the trip with the rest of the cast, has a little chat with JoJo. They talk for a little while about how big this week is going to be. In summary: Very big. Muy grande, if you will.

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What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: WAY TOO EARLY FOR I LOVE YOUS

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Due to some technical issues, I missed the first fifteen minutes of the show and am the going to have to draw from Twitter to summarize what happened at the beginning of the episode. Here’s what I got for you: Chad showed up at the house and Jordan Rodgers gave him the opportunity to apologize. Chad says no, confirming what Justin Timberlake always knew, which is that it really is too late to apologize. Chad instead throws his protein powder in the air a la LeBron James (more on the Cavaliers later).

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What The Bachelorette Did Wrong Last Night (Spoiler: Everything)

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I want to start by saying that there were a lot of things wrong with last night’s special two hour episode of The Bachelorette. I’ve written 20 some-odd recaps about this show before and I’ve seen everything. Alcohol. Sex scandals. Sexism. Racism. Violence. I’ve been a loyal fan through it all, frequently commenting that I never felt the show was particularly worse than the world around us is about any of these controversial issues. The world is sexist. The world is racist. The world is violent. But last night’s episode pushed me a little over the edge, and, even though I’ve written a complete recap about the episode, this is the blog post I’d rather you read. 

What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: Why Do I Watch This Show Again?

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Can you believe that we are here again? Somehow ABC tricked us all into spending another night watching this show. Here we go, here we go again.

Post-conversation with Chris Harrison, Chad comes into the house to have a short convo with the boys. Like a kindergartener, he has a little bit of trouble expressing his feelings. As in he doesn’t know how to express his feelings at all. Somehow, they come to a reconciliation together, a reconciliation which seems about as sturdy as that tightrope Joseph Gordon-Levitt walked across in that movie The Walk. But don’t worry, the ABC producers are on the case. They’re going to throw a pool party. That’ll fix this. 

Here’s What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: “That Escalated Quickly.”

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Who’s ready for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1? I know I am. If you missed my recap last week, you can find it here. This week ABC is trying something new, a two part episode of The Bachelorette. For those of you who hate this show, that adds up to a four hour search for true love this week alone, so I suggest you strap in. (TBH if you hate this show, I have NO idea why you are reading this recap.) 

Let’s git ‘er done. 

This episode Chad is going to go berzerk. Evan says that if Chad gets a date this week and he doesn’t he will be… very… upset. Cue ABC giving Chad a one-on-one date. Jk, the first one-on-one date goes to Chase. Aka the star of my Bachelorette fantasy team and of all of my dreams. Outside the mansion, Chris Harrison cleans up the toilet paper from when JoJo and some guy TP’d the mansion last episode. Oh vandalism. Classic first date move.  

What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: Chad is Bad, What a Cliché

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And now we’re back. From outer space. We just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. If you (for some ungodly reason) missed the last episode, you can catch up with my recap from last week here

The gist of the two minute introduction to this week’s episode is that Chad is last year’s JJ, without a buddy Clint, and without the opportunity for redemption on Bachelor in Paradise. For those of you who don’t know what that means, let’s just say that he seems like trouble right here in river city, with a capital “T” that rhymes with “C” which stands for Chad. On a completely separate note, I cannot watch another montage of JoJo standing on a balcony thinking things. As I watch I make up my own dialogue for what she is thinking.