Due to some technical issues, I missed the first fifteen minutes of the show and am the going to have to draw from Twitter to summarize what happened at the beginning of the episode. Here’s what I got for you: Chad showed up at the house and Jordan Rodgers gave him the opportunity to apologize. Chad says no, confirming what Justin Timberlake always knew, which is that it really is too late to apologize. Chad instead throws his protein powder in the air a la LeBron James (more on the Cavaliers later).

I might be able to make more sense of that one if I had seen that part of the episode. Make of that what you will. Despite the fact that it’s still act one of this episode, it’s time for a rose ceremony. Chad’s meltdown really messed with the format of the show, so this rose ceremony is actually the rose ceremony from last week. At the cocktail party, Robby gets some one-on-one time and he and JoJo throw coins into a fountain and make wishes. It was just like that scene in the trenchant documentary, The Lizzie McGuire Movie. 

There’s a small bit of drama at the cocktail party when the guys without the roses realize that the guys with the roses are hogging up all of JoJo’s time. But let’s be real, the ones with roses have roses for a reason. It’s because they have major chemistry with JoJo.* And who doesn’t want to watch that?

*(Major Chemistry)

The rest of the cocktail party is pretty status quo. Always the poet, Luke talks about how his heart skips, skips a beat when he’s with JoJo. I swoon. Wells makes an interesting point, that without Chad around the boys have lost their common enemy. *Cue ABC running a promo about future enemies later this season*

For his one-on-one time, Jordan pulls JoJo aside and makes out with her on the other side of the wall from the guys sitting on the couches. It’s slightly uncomfortable for me to watch, as the boys sit unsuspecting on the couches. It’s extra uncomfortable because I’m not Jordan’s biggest fan. Or even his smallest fan. I’m not a fan. Thankfully it’s time for the rose ceremony.

Here’s the results of the NBA Finals (okay, the rose ceremony):

Cleveland Cavaliers: Chase (WOOOOOOH), Wells, Vinny, James Taylor and OH MY GOD Evan.

Golden State Warriors: James F., and Dammnnnn Daniel.

Daniel leaves proclaiming himself “a catch,” while simultaneously claiming that he had a better chance of getting struck by lightning while shaving his face than falling in love with JoJo. Daniel, you will be missed. (Psych.) 

Thankfully, JoJo reveals that the remaining eleven guys are all getting out of dodge and going to go to Uruguay! Vinny takes this vacation as an opportunity to wear the most ridiculous straw fedora since Jason Mraz began making music. The whole gang arrives in Uruguay where they find out that Jordan is getting the one-on-one date this week. Vinny seems very concerned about Jordan’s intentions, but in my honest opinion he really ought be more worried about his fedora. Fedor-uhhhh, maybe you should take that off your head, Vinny.

Somehow, despite being completely cut off from the world, the boys manage to get a gossip magazine. And for some reason, despite appearing to be fully-grown men, they are as gullible as children and believe that the tabloid must be telling the truth (because tabloids are SO reliable). The article in the tabloid is written by JoJo’s ex-boyfriend, who claims that JoJo is fake and was never really in love with Ben last season. While the boys contemplate what this means for their relationships with JoJo, Vinny gives everyone a complimentary hair cut.

While Jordan is on a date with JoJo off on the coast of Uruguay looking at seals (I think?), the group date card arrives at the hotel. Surprisingly, none of these guys want to go on this group date. They are still reeling from the tabloid scandal which is clearly taking its toll on the boys. 

On her date with Jordan, JoJo confronts Jordan about his cheating past (because he is totally a cheater), and he defends himself against all acusations (just like a cheater would). But Jordan jumps in with the classic, “I remember something my pastor said…” and he charms her into giving him the rose (stupid cheater).

To end their date, they stroll through Uruguay and eventually stop to dance in the middle of the street. JoJo as they walk past a convenient store: “The city is so beautiful…”

After her date with Jordan, JoJo comes to the conclusion that as a couple they would be able to face all the tough things in life: yachts… seals… you know all of those tough things that couples have to deal with. After the date, a producer shows JoJo the tabloid. She starts to FALL APART, because this ex-boyfriend made up everything in the tabloid and she feels awful for having ever trusted him. This ex-boyfriend, also Chad (coincidence?), was arguably the worst Chad ever in her life. And that’s saying something. She immediately goes to talk to the boys and tells them all what the dealio is.

To give them credit, the boys are pretty understanding and finally seem to understand that people lie in tabloids. Gotta respect them for taking a full twenty minutes of this show to come to the conclusion that we all already knew: tabloids lie. 

As an aside, at the house Robby and Jordan do face masks together and talk about their emotions. After the face masks Robby braids Jordan’s bangs and they take a Cosmo quiz called, “What’s Your Type?” At the group date the rest of the boys go sand boarding (which is apparently a thing) and basically just fall down sand dunes over and over again. It’s entertaining as hell, and I’m beginning to wonder if ABC shouldn’t make a reality show where people just fall and embarrass themselves. Wait a second… 

At the cocktail party later, Luke hits it out of the park with his one-on-one time and Derek starts to get super jealous of all of the other guys. Also, a new rivalry presents itself as it turns out Alex doesn’t really like Derek at all. Derek walks away from the date with the group date rose which hard core pisses off Farquaad (aka Alex).

For their one-on-one date this week (did I mention Robby got a one-on-one?), Robby and JoJo try on hats, then eat grilled cheeses together and chill by the waterfront. They climb a few rocks and JoJo proclaims Robby the perfect combination of fun, sweet and goofy. And, because Robby is an Olympic swimmer, they decide to swim in the water. JoJo claims that she really trusts Robby, which becomes all too apparent as they make out along the cliffside. The big, important news of the date: Robby is in love with JoJo and he doesn’t care who knows it. 

He feels that today is the day when he should profess his love to JoJo. Okay, I think you’re like 4 weeks too early, but whatever. Back at the house, Chase and Farquaad confront Derek about the reasons why JoJo gave him the rose. They keep harping on this word “reassurance,” and keep blaming Derek for JoJo’s word choice. Okay, boys, just back off. 

On Robby’s date with JoJo he gives her his personal trauma story (every contestant has one), that his best friend died in a car crash a year ago. After he tells her his story, he tells her THAT HE LOVES HER. After four weeks of this show. JoJo gives him the one-on-one rose, obviously (her response to the “I love you,” was the classic “Thank you.” Robby claims that love is a force that pulls two people together– if it’s present on one side, it’s present on the other side. As someone who has been in a number of one-sided relationships, first with Lance Bass (that backfired quickly), then with a young Zac Efron (Wildcats 4Ever), and finally with Ryan Gosling, I can say that Robby’s logic is very flawed. 

Praise everyone, it’s time for a rose ceremony. This episode has been way too much for me already. At the ceremony before JoJo arrives, Derek takes this opportunity to pull aside Jordan, Alex, Chase and Robby and to talk to them about the fight they’ve been having. The boys are NOT having it and, given the fact that Chase and Alex both don’t have roses yet, their minds are elsewhere. When they all return to the cocktail party, Luke asks for the summed up version of that conversation. What it boils down to is that everyone kind of rags on Derek for a while and then they agree to settle it for now. To symbolize moving forward from this fight, Chris Harrison arrives. He announces that there will be no cocktail party tonight. JoJo will be immediately sending home three guys. 

Here’s what you missed in rose ceremony 2 of this episode: 

Rose before Bros: Luke, Chase (hollaaaaaa), Alex, James Taylor and Alls Wells that Ends Wells. 

Bye-Bye-Byes: Vinny the barber, Evan (finallyyyyyy), and Grant (the last minority RIP). ‘

My real final question is who is going to give the boys haircuts now that Vinny is gone? I guess we’ll find out next week. For now I’ll leave you with my picks. 

My picks: Chase, Luke, Do I have to pick a third? I guess Robby. 

Here’s a JoJo GIF to get you through until next Monday. See ya later.