This holiday season, in the presence of several of my fully-grown, 401k-possessing, gainfully-employed cousins, I opened up an app on my phone in order to explain to them why the dating culture in college is so weird these days. And, as all of you literate folk who read the title of this blog post before clicking on it have probably guessed, yes it was Tinder. I’m sure there is a cooler, newer dating app I could’ve found, something like Hinge, or Bumble, or GrubHub, but I’m not with-it enough to have tried out any of the new and cool ones. Also, I’m beginning to think I might be using GrubHub wrong.
You don’t know what you’ve got ‘till it’s gone, right Joni?
Guys, I have something to admit. I’m a One Direction fan. I sort of feel like I am admitting to you sensitive information more embarrassing than the time I accidentally stripped down naked in the girl’s locker room in high school. (That’s one story I’ll never tell. *In the Gossip Girl voice*)
The alternate title to this blog post was, “In four months I’m being evicted and fired from my job of 16 years.”
I knew this day would come, guys. I ignored it. I pretended that I didn’t see it on the horizon. I denied it. But now this day is here. I’ve finished my fall semester and I am now a second semester senior.*
So I’m accepting applications for new friends beginning in January 2016. It’s a new year, new friends, right? From what I hear new friends are silver. Or are they gold? I can never remember. What follows is a list of the qualifications and characteristics I am looking for in a friend.
I know you’re young and, let’s face it, a little naïve, but let me give you some advice. Facebook is not a place for your every thought, Amy. Are you listening? You need to be careful what you make your statuses. It may seem cool right now for you to post, “It’s Christmas in 5 hours,” but, believe me, it’s not. In seven years someone will inevitably like that status completely out of the blue and it will emerge from its hiding place in the 2009 tab of your timeline onto every Facebook friend’s newsfeed. You don’t know what a Facebook timeline is? Oh, 9th grade Amy, you have so much left to learn.