Hey 9th grade Amy, listen up. You’re doing Facebook wrong.

humor, Uncategorized

I know you’re young and, let’s face it, a little naïve, but let me give you some advice. Facebook is not a place for your every thought, Amy. Are you listening? You need to be careful what you make your statuses. It may seem cool right now for you to post, “It’s Christmas in 5 hours,” but, believe me, it’s not. In seven years someone will inevitably like that status completely out of the blue and it will emerge from its hiding place in the 2009 tab of your timeline onto every Facebook friend’s newsfeed. You don’t know what a Facebook timeline is? Oh, 9th grade Amy, you have so much left to learn.

We really should address this lyric thing. Unless it’s an original song that you’ve written, you shouldn’t be posting lyrics as your statuses. And if you are writing original songs, just stop. You aren’t Taylor Swift. Speaking of which, Taylor Swift will only be cooler in seven years. You can be obsessed with her now. You will be more in love with her in 2015 than you are now. 

Contention two: it’s embarrassing how much you like Snow Patrol, The Fray, and Mayday Parade. And don’t even get me started on Jamie All Over. In seven years, you’ll have moved on to like musical artists that have weirdly spelt and unpronounceable names like Fetty Wap, and The Weeknd. (To answer your question, you’re right. It is missing a vowel.) In seven years you’ll want to pretend that you never liked Snow Patrol or The Fray. However your statuses will provide written proof that you liked those bands. Just a heads up: nothing on Facebook ever disappears.


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I’m going to do you another favor, out of the kindness of my heart (our heart? Still unclear how this situation works). Don’t take any photos for the next year and a half. Don’t do it. You will still have braces until 10th grade and I have no idea why you would want to document that. So, just don’t take any photos. By the time the end of 10th grade hits, your skin will be clearer and your mouth will be metal free. Just wait until then. Do yourself and me a favor.


I know right now it feels like you need to post things on Facebook to prove to your 150 Facebook friends that you are actually popular, but these photos will haunt you for years to come. You’re really not cool at all, I hate to break it to you. So stop trying to fool people.

Do you remember the Notes section of Facebook? Yeah, the one where everybody answered questions to the most pointless surveys ever. Stay away. Please. Not only is your participation in those polls rather lame, but your answers are lame too. 25 Random Things About Me? Really? Why don’t you just leave a little bit to the imagination? Be a little mysterious for once in your life. You don’t need to give it all away now.

Stop using the Graffiti tool on Facebook to make graffiti art for your friends. Could you be any more lame? That wasn’t rhetorical. I’m actually asking.

Proofread! You do attend school, don’t you? Why aren’t you proofreading your statuses? A few of them look like you were so drunk that you literally couldn’t even finish the sentence. But I know for a fact that you weren’t exposed to alcohol until an embarrassingly late age. So what are you doing?

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I guess the moral of this entire rant I’ve gone on is to just be a little more thoughtful. What was the thought process behind this gem?

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Can you please heed my advice? I don’t even want to go into all of the other ridiculous posts you produce in 2009 or 2010. If you take my advice you can really save yourself a lot of embarrassment. By the time you’re my age, you are going to be dealing with a wealth of other avenues of embarrassment. You’ll be clumsier than you are now, you’ll frequently embarrass yourself on any and every dance floor you’re ever on, and you’ll be just as awkward around the guys you like as you are now. But this? This you have control over. You can do it. I believe in you.


Future Amy


P.S. It gets better. Marginally, at least.


2 thoughts on “Hey 9th grade Amy, listen up. You’re doing Facebook wrong.

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