I’m 25, Eating Shredded Cheese Out Of The Package, & Finally Back Blogging

#life, humor

Hey friends, 

Can I still call you “friends?” I know it’s been awhile. Like, a long time. But I’m back. I recently experienced what some people (and my insurance company) would qualify as a “a life event.” I turned 25. I am definitively in my mid-twenties. And I am also definitively eating Sargento shredded cheese directly out of the package as I type this. Cheese is spilling everywhere.

I should say first: This blog post is not sponsored by Sargento. But Sargento cheese is amazing and if you aren’t eating it hand to mouth right now, you need to go get some from the grocery store ASAP. Stop reading. Go get Sargento cheese. If it matters to you, I am eating their three cheese Mexican blend.

Is 25 exactly what I thought it would be, you ask? No. It’s exactly like 24. I would love for my 25th birthday to have been a life-changing experience. But I came home, read a YA novel, drank tea, and went to bed. So, as far as I can tell, 25 is pretty much the same as 24. If my life hasn’t changed at all, why am I blogging again? 

I’ve missed it. For a really long time I didn’t feel like I had anything to say. But then I realized: I have things I care about. The heated debate about Annie’s versus Kraft mac and cheese, for example. (Annie’s for life and I’ll fight you on this.)

I want to tell you about my life now and about living in New York City. I want to tell you about the time I realized my trainer at Equinox was a contestant on the last season of an MTV reality television show. (Yes, I belong to Equinox, and yes I still watch MTV. Neither of which I am completely proud of.) I want to tell you about the man who straight up growled at me on the street the other day. These are things I need to share with you.

So I’m back blogging, and this time, unlike the guy I hooked up with in college, I am committing to you. I will be here, once a week (or more perhaps, but I am very flakey), to tell you about my life and to talk to you about things on my mind. 

I have a lot of thoughts.

“Too many?” She asks herself briefly, before her thoughts shift to conspiracy theories about Amelia Earhart’s disappearance.

I want to tell you about the horrible Christmas movie I watched, about the time I blatantly tripped on the sidewalk in front of the man of my dreams (well, I don’t actually dream when I sleep anymore, but he looked like the sort of guy that girls dream about). And mostly, I want to revive this dry blog with some fresh life –– AKA new content.

So, let’s go. Let’s do this. Did you get the Sargento cheese? This is the point in this post where I need you to lift an aggressive amount of cheese out of the bag and into your mouth. You can do it. I believe in you. I am currently doing the same. 

If you did not get the Sargento cheese, were you listening to me but at all? It is integral to this next section that you feel deliriously happy. 

Things I expect to write future posts about:

  • Dissecting the Zenon trilogy, the strengths and the weaknesses. 
  • $7 bottles of wine that taste the same as $20 bottles.
  • The need for a new queen of romantic comedies in the wake of Nora Ephron.
  • Why can’t I keep my plants alive?
  • When all of your friends have boyfriends, and other single-girl problems. 
  • I’m trying to save money but Instagram is conspiring against me. 
  • Cheese? Probably. 

These are just a few topics I hope to cover, you’ll have to keep coming back for more. In the meantime, I’ll still be 25, likely eating cheese, and attempting to tell you about my life. Welcome back? 

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What You Missed on Last Night’s Episode of The Bachelorette: The Winner Takes It All

humor, television, the bachelor

Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Dallas where we lay our scene. From ancient grudge break to new rose ceremonies, Where civil group dates make civil drama unclean. 

Tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette involves two fewer suicides than Romeo & Juliet, but let’s be real, just as much drama. Should I do this blog post in iambic pentameter? 

What You Missed On This Week’s The Bachelorette: Norway Is Matt in the Final Six?

humor, television, the bachelor

This week’s episode of The Bachelorette is a two-parter. In part one, Captain von Trapp hires fraulein Maria to be a nanny to his seven kids. In part two, he and Maria get married and fight the Nazis. 

Wait, sorry guys. I’m doing that thing again where I mix up The Bachelorette and The Sound of Music. They both are set in scenic locales, they both heavily feature conflict, it’s an easy mistake.  

Emptying My Twitter Drafts Part II

#life, humor

It’s been a while and my Twitter drafts folder is starting to become as cluttered at the Forever21 sale section. I’ll let you decide if these tweets are more or less valuable than the black unitard that says “UNAVAILABLE” across the chest that I saw in the Forever21 sale section last night.   

On Adulthood:Artboard 18

What You Missed On The Bachelorette: Can’t She Just Be Romanced?

humor, television, the bachelor

Wow there is a crazy showdown at the start of this week’s episode. Squaring off in one corner, weighing in at 225 lbs we have Eric, the personal trainer. And in the other corner, weighing in at 165 lbs (soaking wet) we have Lee, the singer-songwriter.

As well all know, in the storied history of one-on-one altercations, singer-songwriters almost always come out on top. 

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What You Missed On The Bachelorette: Basketball Is My Favorite Sport (Finish The Lyric)

humor, television, the bachelor

As Memorial Day came to a close I thought back on all the sacrifices our soldiers made for our country. And I couldn’t help but wonder, are we all soldiers in the war for love? 

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Okay, that’s my one and only shot at being Carrie Bradshaw. Here’s what you missed on this week’s edition of The Bachelorette: 

Another Bachelorette Recap: Another Journey To Love

humor, television, the bachelor

So how about that episode of Dancing with the Stars last night, right? Just kidding guys, you know why we’re here. The Bachelorette is back. 

Is everybody ready to take off your lawyer hat and put on your love hat? (Paraphrased slightly from Rachel’s opening intro.) 

As Chris Harrison is quick to point out, our Bachelorette, Rachel, has everything. Great friends, a loving family, a powerful career… she’s just missing one thing: the most expensive dating app on the market, ABC. 

What You Missed on The Bachelor: Hasta La Cheese Pasta

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

When we left Nick last, ABC had just manufactured a meet-up with everyone’s favorite of his ex-girlfriends. No, no, it wasn’t Kaitlyn. It was Andi. Remember Andi? 

If you’re wondering why Andi’s there, you are not alone. Me, Nick, most of Bachelor Nation, and possibly even Andi herself, are with you. It basically makes no sense for her to be there.

What You Missed on The Bachelor: In Rachel We Trust

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

When this week’s episode starts everyone is reeling from the bomb that Nick dropped. You remember, when Nick said he wasn’t sure this show would work out for him? Well, to clarify, not everyone is reeling. A very select group of six women on a reality show are shocked that Nick might not find love. 

Most people, law of averages say, are not reeling from Nick’s declaration that he may not find love on the show. Most people probably forgot that it happened in last week’s episode and just carried on with their lives unfazed by the speed bumps on Nick’s road to true love. Or (more likely) they don’t watch The Bachelor at all. 

What You Missed On The Bachelor: Michael Jordan, Abraham Lincoln, Corinne. All the Greats.

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

We have a new president and yet we’re still watching the same drama on The Bachelor. How many weeks in a row can Corinne behave like a child before she gets the boot? Let’s find out. 

When we left off, Vanessa and Nick were in a heated conversation about Corinne. Vanessa calls him on HIS SHIT, and has a real take-it-or-leave-it attitude which I really admire. Nick leaves the mansion for a few hours, giving the girls plenty of time to confront Corinne before they have to start putting their faces on for the rose ceremony.