Wow there is a crazy showdown at the start of this week’s episode. Squaring off in one corner, weighing in at 225 lbs we have Eric, the personal trainer. And in the other corner, weighing in at 165 lbs (soaking wet) we have Lee, the singer-songwriter.

As well all know, in the storied history of one-on-one altercations, singer-songwriters almost always come out on top. 

Well, not so much actually. Luckily for Lee, no physical fighting takes place that night. But when Eric starts shouting at Lee pretty much everyone, including America, can tell that Eric is in the right. Feeling defeated (and yet somehow still confident?), Lee heads off to interrupt single dad, Kenny, and get some time with Rachel.

The producers don’t waste anytime before they start rolling interviews where the guys insinuate that Lee is a racist. I won’t comment except to say, let’s not forget he is ALSO a singer-songwriter. (That wasn’t enough of a red flag?) 

A query for you: What’s the difference between an unknown singer-songwriter and a college grad sitting in his childhood bedroom playing a guitar and writing bad poetry?

Answer:

ABC can you bring back the romance, PLEASE? Amidst all of the craziness in the house, Bryan and Rachel have a wonderful moment outside where he basically tells her that he is her PRINCE CHARMING. He nails the monologue, and for a moment every girl watching forgets how historically antifeminist fairytales are. Seriously, Disney is optioning the rights to that moment. 

But sadly the romance cannot last, as the shouts from Kenny and Lee’s argument drift into the house and echo through the room Rachel is sitting in. GUYS. Can’t you respect that Rachel is trying to be romanced?

Rachel takes the whole evening hard, and why wouldn’t she? These guys are putting her in an awful position. At this point she should seriously just send them all home. Except for Bryan. He is a prince. 

Rachel speeds along the night and we arrive at the rose ceremony. Let’s reveal who stays and who goes. 

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Rose: Everyone you’d expect and LEE who you would never expect.

Goodbye and Good Luck: Diggy, and two guys I don’t recognize. 

Where can this episode go from here? A boat, if the previews are to be believed. 

When the first date card comes, Bryan nearly jumps out of his seat to claim it. Hold up, Prince Charming. The card is for Dean. 

(I think you’re adorable too, Dean.) 

As Rachel’s voiceover proclaims that her relationship with Dean will reach new “heights” today, a blimp appears overhead. 

For Dean and Rachel’s one-on-one date they fly a blimp. My initial thought? This seems really safe. ABC is just flirting with lawsuits these days. 

The ironic part? Their relationship did reach new heights that day. And kids, that’s the story of how I met your father. Wait, did I say your father? I meant a blimp pilot. Kids, that’s the story of how I met a blimp pilot. 

Dean and Rachel sit down for dinner later that night. Dean reveals his tragic story, everyone on this show has one, that his mother died from breast cancer when he was 15 years old. Throughout the rest of the night, Dean manages to keep a smile on, and Rachel and I are both firmly on the Dean Team.

As with many dates in Bachelor history, Rachel and Dean arrive at the concert of an unknown country singer. I know what you’re thinking. Is it Lee up on stage? Sadly no. He couldn’t get the gig. It is another unknown country singer-songwriter. I’m beginning to think they grow on trees. 

The next day is boat day. On a boat for the group date, the boys hold a dance contest and a rap contest whose unlikely winner is Peter (???). But the date doesn’t really heat up until the spelling bee starts. Yes, for this date the boys will be spelling.

Their faces drop to the floor when they realize they will have to draw upon their academic knowledge to win the proverbial (and actual) girl. Ahh, the first spelling bee in the history of the world where the winner is more likely to get laid than the losers. 

The words these guys spell incorrectly include: Facade, Champagne, Physiological, Boutonniere, and many other embarrassingly short words. Relax, boys. This is reality television: brains don’t matter.

During the cocktail party later, Iggy trash talks Josiah to Rachel. His motives are a little confusing, but we don’t have much time to mull it over. Pretty soon Lee trashes Kenny to Rachel as well, and suddenly the episode comes full circle. Is Lee really ready for Round 2? 

Kenny pulls Lee aside for a confrontation. And that’s where the producers leave it. Well, another episode filled with lots of stirred-up drama and very little romance. And next week’s episode is a two-nighter? See you then?