What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: This is What My Soul Feels Like

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Brace yourself for a dramatic emotional roller coaster ride on The Bachelorette (directly lifted from the intro to the show):

Shawn arrives in Kaitlyn’s room and Kaitlyn is concerned that Shawn knows that she “was intimate with Nick.” Kaitlyn is definitely right to be concerned, because Nick is definitely the last one who I would want keeping my secrets. He doesn’t have the best track record. 

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What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: The Biggest Conflict to Hit Ireland Ever

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The most glaring part of Kaitlyn and Ian’s conversation at the beginning of this episode is the bald spot that is shining and shimmering on top of Ian’s head. The first of Ian’s genius moves at the rose ceremony is to question Kaitlyn’s intentions. He doesn’t stop there though, because next he calls her a superficial person. Rounding out his trilogy of brilliant boyfriend moves, Ian calls the girl “surface-level.” After getting this off his chest Ian storms off and leaves the show. But, honestly, I think he’s got bigger problems than this show. He is dealing with a serious case of male pattern baldness right now. He has a lot on his plate.

My Fake Boyfriend, Ryan Gosling

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I have a fake boyfriend and, before I get too far into the details, I know this makes me sound a little pathetic. But hear me out. I’ve gotten to a point in my perpetually-single life where I feel the need to compensate for never having an answer to the question, “Anyone special, these days?” My stand-in long-time answer used to be, “lots of guys and none of them are special,” but this sort of makes me sound like I have a parade of men marching through my love life, which is just not true. So I’ve devised a new answer for when I’m inevitably asked that at large family gatherings or for when I run into a friend I haven’t seen in a while. And I’ve put a lot of effort into creating someone who I think is the perfect fake boyfriend. He goes by the name Ryan Gosling. 

What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: Ri-nick-ulous

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To begin this post, I want you all to imagine your worst enemy. Girls, picture that guy that never called you back, or the bitch who stole your elliptical in the gym. Guys (if there are any reading this review of The Bachelorette), picture someone who hit on your significant other, or, if you are my dad, picture President Barack Obama. It’s necessary that you all have this enemy in mind before reading this post. I am about to talk about one of the contestants on The Bachelorette with the fiery rage of an ex-girlfriend that got screwed over on national television. Just so you know beforehand, his name is Nick and if you don’t already hate him, please watch this video.

Towns in Middle America that Sound Fictitious

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Whilst looking through the notes section of my iPhone, I stumbled upon a list of towns in middle America that I had made, that I think sound fake. A few weeks ago I took a road trip through the midwest, mideast (is that a region??), and the east coast, and I stumbled upon a number of ridiculously-named towns which I will now tell you about. Disclaimer: All of the things I tell you about these towns, I have made up. And, as a second disclaimer, I would like to apologize to the state of Ohio, which takes an unfair amount of grief in this post.