Whilst looking through the notes section of my iPhone, I stumbled upon a list of towns in middle America that I had made, that I think sound fake. A few weeks ago I took a road trip through the midwest, mideast (is that a region??), and the east coast, and I stumbled upon a number of ridiculously-named towns which I will now tell you about. Disclaimer: All of the things I tell you about these towns, I have made up. And, as a second disclaimer, I would like to apologize to the state of Ohio, which takes an unfair amount of grief in this post.
Elyria, Ohio: Elyria is a neighboring town of Narnia, the setting of the successful series The Chronicles of Narnia, and is home to a number of magical creatures. Amongst the talking lions, and the weird goat-man (okay, I looked it up and he is called a Satyr), live dragons, goblins that have escaped from Gringots, and the octo-mom and her eight children. No, but seriously. This town has no place in this universe. Someone needs to find that magical wardrobe and shove that town back through to where it belongs.
Kalamazoo, Michigan: I’ve heard the name Kalamazoo mentioned before, so this town isn’t a brand new discovery of mine. But Kalamazoo, to a younger version of me, always seemed to me to be as fake as The Hundred Acre Wood. Another place like this is Tasmania, which I pretty recently, as an 18 year-old girl, found out was a real place. Clearly, I’m still learning.
Vermillion, Ohio: I’m fairly certain that Vermillion is a city from the Pokemon series where Ash has to battle a gym leader in order to advance to the Elite Four and win the Pokemon League. Vermillion was definitely the city with the gym leader with all of the plant-pokemon. I’m 99% sure.
Strongsville, Ohio: Strongsville sounds like a town where a superhero should have grown up. I feel like it would be a great town for Superman’s slightly wimpier, more intelligent cousin to have grown up in. Now, I’m familiar enough with the Superman stories (okay, with Smallville) to know that he doesn’t have any biological family on Earth and that he certainly doesn’t have aunts, uncles, cousins and second cousins thrice removed. I just think someone with superhero abilities might be living in this town, masquerading as a normal human being. Don’t worry, I have plans to pursue this and to get to the truth.
Macedonia, Ohio: Macedonia is absolutely the town where every Disney princess grew up, or was stolen from, or had to flee from at an early age in order to protect herself from the evil villain. Think back to those movies and replace whatever the real town name is with Macedonia and it will still work and seem real in the context of the stories.
Barkeyville, Pennsylvania: Barkeyville is a fictitious town which I imagine to be run entirely by dogs. Imagine a legislative body of dogs sitting behind those prestigious congressional chairs in the style of the dog-playing-poker paintings. That is Barkeyville.
Snow Shoe, Pennsylvania: A town called Snow Shoe? Really, Pennsylvania? Let’s just name towns after things that we see around us. I’m now announcing three new Pennsylvanian towns that I will found and be the mayor of: Floor Lamp, PA; Keurig, PA; and Super Market, PA. More details later on the locations and the back stories of these towns.
Mahwah, New Jersey: Mahwah is a town in New Jersey entirely populated by babies who haven’t learned to pronounce their “r’s” yet. Don’t ask me how the babies survive, I really couldn’t tell you. They have no adults to feed them, babysit them or change their diapers. The best guess I have is that older babies that are already potty-trained help change the younger babies’ diapers and that everyone walks everywhere, since nobody has their licenses. Picture the Esurance commercials where the babies talk about insurance plans, and then pretend that they just get up from the camera, walk away and live their lives.
This is the end of my spiel. If people who live in these towns take offense, I’m sorry. But I’m not that sorry, those are pretty ridiculous names.