So if you missed last week’s episode of The Bachelorette you can read my previous post, or you can watch the last five minutes of the last week’s episode. I’ll give you a minute. 

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Good, so you’re caught up. 

Kupah, Kupah, Kupah. We should really stop pretending like you had a connection with Kaitlyn. You knew her about as well as the barista that makes my Starbucks orders knows me. Actually, you probably knew her less than my barista knows me. At least my barista could tell you my morning coffee order. Seriously, we all know that you are upset about this because you wanted to be famous, not because you lost out on “true love” or whatever the promos say it is that people find on this show. Bye Kupah. 

Kupah leaves and it’s time for the rose ceremony. Now, the voiceovers during the rose ceremony usually consist of men terrified that they are going to be sent home this week. So I don’t know exactly what went through Tony’s head at the time, but the following is a direct quote from the voiceover he gave: 

“Stepping away from my business, my dog, my bonsai trees, all things that I love in this world, I see the world through the eyes of a child. I have the heart of a warrior and a gypsy soul.” 

CAN WE PLEASE SEND HIM HOME ALREADY? He clearly has responsibilities. He has his job, his dog, HIS BONSAI TREES. He needs to go. However, Kaitlyn chooses to keep him on for another week. Hopefully Tony has lined up someone to water his Bonsai Trees while he’s away, I would hate to think that innocent plants had to die in his pursuit of love. By some divine mystery, Tony manages to slip through the rose ceremony with the last rose of the week.

The next day, Chris Harrison brings two new guys to the house. Relax, though, they aren’t new contestants. Their names are Byamba and Yama, and they are Japanese sumo-wrestling champions (I didn’t know that those existed). The first group date this week is a sumo-wrestling competition, where each of the boys must dress up in tiny diapers and wrestle with each other. ABC has been killing it this season, each episode the guys have to wear less and less clothes. I feel like I am only a few weeks away from seeing these guys naked on television. (And I don’t hate it.) One of the guys in particular, the ever-lovable Kentucky-native, Joe, shows a little too much to the group and they proceed to mock him for the rest of the episode. 

The date continues and Tony, “the healer,” is way too into the fight. After losing to the 500-pound sumo-wrestler, he gets pissed off and storms off to regain his zen. When Kaitlyn follows him, he expresses his frustration with all of the physically aggressive group dates that he goes on. “Can’t it ever be a peaceful activity?” No Tony, it can’t. How would guys win girls over if they didn’t compete in activities that demonstrate their physical strength? “Can we not just take a boat ride? Or go sky diving?” Oh, lord. No.

Tony decided that he “can’t find happiness by reverting to (his) primal instincts.” And, finally, he leaves. This is the part of the episode where I jump for joy. I’m not being hyperbolic, I genuinely leaped out of my chair in pure ecstasy now that this freak is returning to wherever he came from. 

After the group date, Kaitlyn gives Shawn B. the rose, and all is right in the world again. (Just so you know, I will continue to tell these recaps under the heavy bias of a girl who is falling passionately in love with Shawn B. He and I just have so much in common. He’s from Connecticut. I’m from Connecticut. He’s a personal trainer. I’ve been to the gym before. It’s like we’re made for each other.) 

Ben Z. and Kaitlyn go on the one-on-one date this week, and they are driven to an abandoned warehouse. For a moment I thought they might be arriving at a Hunger Games-style arena where the boys would compete for Kaitlyn’s heart. Inevitably it would come down to Ben Z. (who has brute force on his side), and Tanner (who was so scrawny that the boys refused to fight him). Tanner would eat a pile of poisonous berries that he gathered from a nearby forest, sacrificing himself for the sake of Ben and Kaitlyn’s love. Then Chris Harrison would give a eulogy for all of the fallen contestants. Speaking of, if there are any network executives reading this that want to produce such a show, PLEASE let me know.

Moving on. For this date Ben and Kaitlyn will be locked in a haunted-house type room where they have to work together to get out. Chris Harrison’s relationship advice: “Even in the best of relationships you can feel a little trapped.” It might be a little bit of a stretch if you ask me, but keep trying Chris. 

As it turns out, Ben Z., the former college football star, is TOTALLY the guy that you want to protect you in a situation like this. He has that big, buff body and he just seems fearless. They enter into a room with bloody limbs hanging from the walls and ceiling when suddenly, on a bed to their left, a body rises beneath a white sheet. And it is TONY, “THE HEALER,” back to kill Kaitlyn. No, I’m only joking. It wasn’t Tony. That loser is G-O-N-E GONE.  

Kaitlyn: “Somehow, I find Ben sexy in this situation.” Wow, what a surprise, Kaitlyn. It’s not like anyone has ever found a muscular man protecting them from danger sexy. Long story short, Kaitlyn and Ben make it out okay. Shocker. They embrace and have a deep conversation about how Ben’s mother died when he was young. The story is very sad, but it’s becoming clear that The Bachelorette is really just a cheap, televised form of therapy. Later, Ben admits that he hasn’t cried in 11 years. Personally, I think he should really see a doctor. Obviously, Ben leaves the date with a rose. 

The last group date involves the boys substitute-teaching a sex education class. Ben H. rolls up looking FINE in a grey t-shirt, and they all have to explain “sex and physical chemistry” to a group of 5th graders. At this point, it becomes abundantly clear that Joshua has no idea what a tampon is. He pronounces them “tamp-ans” and compares them to a torpedo. 

Side note: Why should these poor children have to get their first sex talk from a guy that doesn’t understand tampons? Does no one take issue to this? 

Anyway, I can’t say that I learned anything, but I thoroughly enjoyed watching these guys. The winner, Ben H., used Kaitlyn to explain how sperms meet eggs. It was interactive and really charming (as charming as anyone can be when they are explaining reproduction). Later that night they slow danced at the top of a skyscraper, and he dipped her. Swoon.

Side note: Does anyone else think that Jared looks like one of the bad lions from The Lion King II? I can’t decide if it’s the facial hair, his high cheekbones or his personality. 

Back at the house, J.J. and Clint have become really good friends, and it is clear that they are hated by the rest of the boys on the show. The rest of the guys really dislike them on the show, and Clint has mentioned more than once to the camera that he really isn’t interested in Kaitlyn at all. 

Multiple guys confront Kaitlyn to tell her about J.J. and Clint, and Kaitlyn makes the decision to kick Clint off the show. FINALLY. 

More Drama Next Week on The Bachelorette.

My Picks: Shawn B., Ben Z., and Ben H.