When we left Nick last, ABC had just manufactured a meet-up with everyone’s favorite of his ex-girlfriends. No, no, it wasn’t Kaitlyn. It was Andi. Remember Andi?
If you’re wondering why Andi’s there, you are not alone. Me, Nick, most of Bachelor Nation, and possibly even Andi herself, are with you. It basically makes no sense for her to be there.
We find ourselves back here again, friends. The whole world could go to shit (and so many people think it has), and ABC would still air The Bachelor. And I’ll let you in on a secret: I would still be blogging about it.
I’m rooting for Nick this season, guys. If any of you followed along as I blogged during Katilyn’s season, I trashed him for being on the show “for the wrong reasons.” But if this guy is really willing to attempt to find a fiancé on national television for the FOURTH time, I’ll root for him.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. My excitement level is off the walls right now, guys. This is as exciting as Christmas morning, my birthday and National Mac & Cheese Day all combined and then squared. I will say this, I definitely haven’t gathered enough GIFs of the singer JoJo for this upcoming season. I’m a little unprepared, TBH. I’ve written JoJo (the singer) to request that she come out with some new music just so that I can use it for the blog, but her representatives have yet to reply. (Is JoJo even high profile enough to have representatives? Will ponder that.)
As I write this I am pounding red wine trying to keep up with The Bachelorette drinking game (where there are no winners; everyone is the loser), and struggling to keep up. You basically have to drink every time someone monologues while looking into the distance. So after just the introduction, where JoJo looks longingly at a fountain, at a stream, at the oceanside, I’m getting tipsy and have to quit this game. But let the episode begin:
The gist of the thirty second preview of tonight’s episode is that everyone is crying. About what? I couldn’t say. (Maybe they’ve finally realized that their chances of finding true love on this show are slim to none.) But let’s launch into this recap. This week the show takes the girls and Ben to his hometown: Warsaw, Indiana.
The live television event of the summer starts now:
The show opens with Chris Harrison asking a studio audience if they are excited. What do you think, Chris? What do you think?
This post is going to be a little shorter, I hope, because I have much less interest in what the boys have to say this season. Or any season. I really don’t love watching a bunch of boys in a room shit-talking some girl. I am excited to see Chris Harrison host a show again. This is the most airtime Chris Harrison will get all season. You get to see C.H. do 80% of his work each season all in a 2 hour episode.
Nick and Shawn have a heart to heart up in Nick’s room at the beginning of the episode. They paint each other’s nails, talk about their feelings, and braid each other’s hair. Actually, they both just call each other dicks and realize nothing new. Same old, same old.
Brace yourself for a dramatic emotional roller coaster ride on The Bachelorette (directly lifted from the intro to the show):
Shawn arrives in Kaitlyn’s room and Kaitlyn is concerned that Shawn knows that she “was intimate with Nick.” Kaitlyn is definitely right to be concerned, because Nick is definitely the last one who I would want keeping my secrets. He doesn’t have the best track record.
The most glaring part of Kaitlyn and Ian’s conversation at the beginning of this episode is the bald spot that is shining and shimmering on top of Ian’s head. The first of Ian’s genius moves at the rose ceremony is to question Kaitlyn’s intentions. He doesn’t stop there though, because next he calls her a superficial person. Rounding out his trilogy of brilliant boyfriend moves, Ian calls the girl “surface-level.” After getting this off his chest Ian storms off and leaves the show. But, honestly, I think he’s got bigger problems than this show. He is dealing with a serious case of male pattern baldness right now. He has a lot on his plate.
Nick V., Nick V., Nick V. Why? Why do you exist?