The live television event of the summer starts now:  

The show opens with Chris Harrison asking a studio audience if they are excited. What do you think, Chris? What do you think? 

Everyone is still in Utah, and Shawn is still calling Nick “the other guy.” Quickly they all return to Los Angeles, where Kaitlyn is going to introduce the boys to her family. Kaitlyn tells her family that a previous contestant joined the show midway, at which point her sister gasps, “Nick V.???” She’s a woman after my own heart. 

…

Kaitlyn asks her family to separate the Nick from Andi’s season from the Nick they are going to meet. Hate to break it to you, Kaitlyn, but it’s the same Nick. Same guy. Trust me. Kaitlyn’s mom opens with an amazing question, “Why are you here, Nick?” I would love an answer to that one, Nick. Why are you here? And stop spouting that you are “here for the right reasons,” I’m tired of hearing it. 

In a one-on-one conversation, Kaitlyn’s mom rails on Nick: “You’re possessive, you’re weird, etc.” 

Kaitlyn’s Mom: 1     Nick: 0

He turns on the charm a little bit, and asks her mom for her permission to ask Kaitlyn to marry him. Cue the fake tears. Nick walks away with her family’s approval, gag. 

Shawn shows up with gifts on gifts for Kaitlyn’s family, another strong sign in his favor. Bribe people, Shawn. That’s the way I do it too. Kaitlyn’s mom steals Shawn away. This woman is smooth. Shawn admits that he’s been a little jealous, but that the struggles they have been through are only going to make them a stronger relationship in the long run. Well said. 

Haley, Kaitlyn’s sister, is “Team Shawn.” HOLLA. I want to be best friends with that girl. Shawn gets the parents together to get their blessing for marriage. Each of them seems behind Shawn fully. Shawn’s talking head, “I just want to spend the rest of my life with her.” Real tears, real tears. 

(Yes.) 

Kaitlyn has one final date with each of the guys. She and Nick go sailing, drink wine, and discuss their relationship. Nick: “I love looking at you.” Nick and Kaitlyn continue the date outside sitting beneath the stars. Nick says he has a gift for Kaitlyn, at which point I’m wondering, “Is it another scrapbook?”

For those of you who missed last season, on their last date Nick gave Andi a fairytale-themed scrapbook about their relationship. I don’t even want to ask which garbage dump it ended up in after last season. As it turns out, he gives Kaitlyn a picture frame with a hand written note next to it. Nick, you can read and write? Woah.

     

Shawn and Kaitlyn have a beautiful first date sitting outside amongst nature. They each want to know what’s going on in each other’s head. Things seem a little weird. Shawn tells the camera that if he doesn’t get a little more reassurance from Kaitlyn, he’s “not getting down on one knee tomorrow.” Yeah right, Shawn. You’re going to try playing hard to get now, Mr. “The Other Guy”?

They have a super cute conversation about their lives after the show.  Shawn has a gift for Kaitlyn too, a jar that has stuff from all of their old dates in it. They share a great moment together where they reminisce about their memories and then Kaitlyn walks off into the distance, crying. And she was never heard from again……. 

I’m just kidding. But wouldn’t that make for a kind of amazing new reality show? I’m thinking of a hybrid show combining The Bachelor and Naked and Afraid. Naked and In Love maybe as a possible title? Dibs copyrights. 

Back to the show, though. Finally, we’ve arrived at the day. Each person has a dramatic moment where they stand on their balconies and look out at the water. And now, the good part. Each guy gets to choose a ring. Shawn picks out a beautiful engagement ring, and somewhere else on the premises Nick emerges from his room in ANOTHER plaid shirt.

When Neil Lane arrives at Nick’s door Nick practically jumps him. Last season, Nick opened the door expecting to see Neil Lane and it was actually Andi breaking up with him. 

Both these boys are hardcore tryna: 

Nick is the first to get out of the limo, which is never a good sign for him. Still, nothing about this season is normal so it’s anyone’s game. Nick goes on a long rant about their relationship and then pulls out his ring to propose but Kaitlyn stops him. In my head, “You Make My Dreams” by Hall & Oates starts to play. 

Kaitlyn spends a long time trying to make him feel better about the situation, but he’s an asshole. And therefore he will behave like an asshole. 

Nick is all like: 

And Kaitlyn is all like: 

Finally Shawn arrives. His speech is a total winner and I’m definitely crying in the TV room of my dorm. He makes a huge speech about how she is “a best friend, a partner in crime, a teammate.” And to think, 30 minutes ago he was thinking he might not propose. I’m basically a blubbering idiot right now. The rest of this recap is just going to be nonsense words strung together, I’m such a mess. Kaitlyn’s last remark: “The two happiest kids in all of the land?” To which Shawn replies, “Yes.” It’s a match made in heaven. 

Now I’m gonna write a little bit about the After the Final Rose Special. In the special they pull up a picture that Shawn sent to his buddies when he saw Kaitlyn get kicked off of The Bachelor last season: 

God bless Snapchat.

Then C.H. brings Nick is back up here for the second time. Nick’s upset, but  don’t worry. C.H. is going to bring out Nick and Shawn and Kaitlyn and patch everything up. Except not. Chris Harrison, you’re not a miracle worker. Give it up. It’s pretty uncomfortable between them all frankly and I’m a little relieved this season is finally over.

The moral of the story: LOVE CONQUERS ALL ASSHOLES. At least until two months from now when we hear that Shawn and Kaitlyn have broken up. Or until Shawn gets cast as the lead actor in a Ryan Gosling biopic. 

I hope you guys enjoyed these recaps, you can definitely check back on this blog to hear more from me about other topics of discussion to be named later. Peace and blessings.