Nick V., Nick V., Nick V. Why? Why do you exist?

The show opens with Nick joining the boys in the apartment for the most uncomfortable conversation since Tony “the healer” started talking about his bonsai trees. The cameras panned across the room showing sad shots of the boys noticeably upset by Nick. Luckily, ABC immediately cut to a montage of shirtless men getting dressed for the rose ceremony. My mood improved considerably.

Surprise: This rose ceremony is at CITI Field, home of the New York Mets. I had sort of forgot that the New York Mets existed, so this was a massive surprise. This location also allows all of the boys to make tons baseball references. My favorite was J.J.’s, “I want to hit a home run.” Presumably J.J. was talking about hitting a home run with Kaitlyn, and was not actually planning on trying to play for the Mets, although this is not explicitly clear. 

Each of the boys tries to get some time with Kaitlyn to explain how they are feeling about the “Stop Being Such a Nickhead” situation (as I am referring to it now). Each of them express a general anger towards Nick and claim not to “trust” him. 

 

“Trust” has been thrown around a lot this episode as something that Kaitlyn definitely needs in her relationship, but everyone is honestly starting to sound like a broken record. Seriously, I get it, it’s a competition. No one really trusts anyone. Nick expresses his concern about not having a chance to talk with Kaitlyn at the rose ceremony and the tiniest violin in the world starts playing in the background. Nick V. makes it through the rose ceremony and we say goodbye to one of the last ethnic guys on the show (Jonathan, in case you forgot his name). Seriously, if Ian leaves I’m going to start having so many flashbacks to my high school that I might develop PTSD. To steal and paraphrase a joke from Seth Meyers, “If this cast gets any whiter, the tea party is going to endorse it.” 

Kaitlyn announces that all the boys are headed to San Antonio, AKA home of the San Antonio Spurs (AKA the best team in the NBA). Tanner’s brilliant comment: “This may be San Antonio, but this is not Nick’s first rodeo.” These guys are really killing it with the puns and they definitely don’t get enough credit for it. At this point I’m dying for one of the San Antonio Spurs to make an appearance, or for Coach Poppovich to come have a heart-to-heart with Kaitlyn, but it’s not in the cards. 

In a randomly placed clip, Kaitlyn stands on a bridge in San Antonio looking off into the distance wistfully, forcing us all to ask the question: “What the hell is she thinking?” Seriously, though. What is she thinking? This girl is either the stupidest girl in the world, or the…. no, actually, she’s just the stupidest girl in the world. 

Ben H. and Kaitlyn are headed for the first one-on-one date. Back at the house Nick’s “guess is that the house is going to experience a little more tension.”

Ben H.’s date involves a two-step dance competition at the oldest dance hall in all of San Antonio. At the dance hall Kaitlyn develops a slight country accent and I scream at the television, “YOU’RE FROM CANADA.” They lose the two-step competition, shocker, and they have dinner on the roof of a high-rise that overlooks the entire city.

Ben H. discusses his past long-distance relationship and his insecurities about opening up and Kaitlyn gives him the rose. Go figure, another guy with “trust issues.” That might honestly be a prerequisite for being cast on this show. All contestants must have “trust issues,” preferably due to a bad past relationship or a parent abandoning them. No secure, happy, or trusting guys allowed. 

It’s time for the second group date. The second group date will force the boys to sing as part of a Mariachi band. They all have to perform original songs for Kaitlyn in costume in front of a crowd of Texans. These boys are so screwed. Joe’s best line is, “Kaitlyn, will you marry-achi me?” Joshua is feeling threatened by Nick V., but what else is new. Joshua is being way too melodramatic, and it might finally be time for him to get back to his career as a professional welder. (Is that a profession, really?) 

This competition is supposed to be Ian’s first opportunity to shine since the show started. Apparently, he is a singer. It’s okay if you didn’t remember this or anything else about him. Ian gets the least screen time of everyone on the show. For real. In the end he really underperforms and it’s pretty embarrassing. But in reality he is no worse a singer than the other guys. Nick takes Kaitlyn up to a balcony to perform for her and rhymes ‘connection’ with ‘erection.’ I cringed. 

Joshua pulls Kaitlyn aside after the group date and asks her to cut his hair. At this point it’s unclear why he did that, or “how that advances your relationship with Kaitlyn,” according to Nick. Does he need a cheap haircut? Because I hear Supercuts is pretty cheap these days. On this one I have to agree with Nick (GAG). Joshua’s hair ends up looking awful and he is made fun of mercilessly when he returns to the room with the boys. Really, though, I don’t know how this is any more embarrassing that Chris riding up to meet Kaitlyn the first night in a giant Cupcake. 

(Disclaimer: I might need to put this photo into every recap I write, just to remind people of how strange he is.)

A side note: If they don’t stop advertising for open-call auditions to be on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette during the commercials, I might actually have to audition. I seriously might. 

Joshua pulls Kaitlyn aside to tell her how much he hates Nick and sort of throws the rest of the boys under the bus for not being real with Kaitlyn about how they feel are feeling. He later backtracks in front of Kaitlyn and the boys and she calls him out on it. The boys and Kaitlyn turn on Joshua and this conversation is maybe even more comfortable than the one at the beginning of this episode. I haven’t seen anyone so personally victimized since Mean Girls. Nick gets the group date rose. Sigh.

But alas, all is right in the world again, as Shawn B. gets the last one-on-one date. The two of them go kayaking and, man, would I love to have him save me from drowning. Actually, if it were me, I might “fall in” just so that he would get to save me. He just seems like the kind of guy that would be a good swimmer.

Shawn opens up about a bad car accident he had been in, and I (and all women out there) am so grateful that he survived that car accident. It does make me wonder if a traumatic experience is another prerequisite for being a contestant on The Bachelor/The Bachelorette. Shawn and Kaitlyn row out onto the water as fireworks light up the night sky. SWOON.

Ian opens up to the boys about not feeling connected to Kaitlyn and it is clear he thinks the world of himself. Joshua cries in front of the camera. Jared goes up with Kaitlyn to her room, and confesses that he is starting to fall in love with her. Ian claims to the camera he is “an enigma.” I really am losing patience with him. Let’s cut him loose. He is WAY too obsessed with himself. He confronts her about her intentions, and the show fades to black. Ian is definitely ’bout to be gone.

Next week’s episode promises to be more dramatic than ever before, as the trailer teases Kaitlyn crying after having slept with one of the guys. DRAMA. This is more dramatic than the time Ross said Rachel at his wedding on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (I’ve recently begun re-watching the entire series of F.R.I.E.N.D.S., and I’m on season 5.)

My picks: Do you even have to ask? Shawn B., Ben H., and Jared. 

Boys that I can promise you won’t be on the show after next week: Joshua (lol), Ian (double lol), and (probably) Joe.