I have a fake boyfriend and, before I get too far into the details, I know this makes me sound a little pathetic. But hear me out. I’ve gotten to a point in my perpetually-single life where I feel the need to compensate for never having an answer to the question, “Anyone special, these days?” My stand-in long-time answer used to be, “lots of guys and none of them are special,” but this sort of makes me sound like I have a parade of men marching through my love life, which is just not true. So I’ve devised a new answer for when I’m inevitably asked that at large family gatherings or for when I run into a friend I haven’t seen in a while. And I’ve put a lot of effort into creating someone who I think is the perfect fake boyfriend. He goes by the name Ryan Gosling.
A note about this fake boyfriend: he’s not really Ryan Gosling, although they do share a number of similar characteristics and life aspirations. My Ryan is also a Canadian actor who used to date Rachel McAdams. However, as I know very little else about the actual Ryan Gosling, the similarities stop there. Instead of actually researching Ryan Gosling so that I could keep up the charade, I’ve found it much more satisfying to make up information about Ryan Gosling when asked.
A sample conversation at a family function:
Strange cousin whom I see twice a year: “Anyone special right now?”
Me: “Oh you know, I’m still dating my boyfriend Ryan Gosling.”
Strange cousin: (Skeptically) “Oh, you’re dating Ryan Gosling, are you? How old is he?”
Me: “33. His birthday was in October. We went to visit his family in Canada to celebrate.”
Strange cousin: “What part of Canada is he from?”
Me: “Quebec. Although he moved to Hollywood when he was pretty young.”
It’s important when talking about a fake boyfriend to embellish the details so that they sound real. Luckily for me, most people know even less about Ryan Gosling than I do, making it very easy to trick them. They have no idea whether he is from Quebec or if he is 33. When choosing a fake boyfriend you really want to go with someone famous enough that they are recognizable but not so famous that anyone knows a lot about them.
For the record, Ryan is a great boyfriend. He’s super busy with his hectic work schedule but he makes a real effort to carve out time for us. We recently went to this great new restaurant to celebrate our 11-month anniversary. Can you believe it’s been 11 months? It seems like yesterday that we met by the hot food bar at Whole Foods in L.A. Who knew we both like quinoa so much? For our anniversary, he was so sweet he bought me flowers and a beautiful silver necklace. He’s so thoughtful.
One real complication with this fake boyfriend charade, I’ll say, is that it has completely eliminated any real chance of me meeting, wooing and one day marrying Ryan Gosling. But I somehow doubt that the real Ryan could ever live up to the fake Ryan whom I’ve created, so that might be for the best.
Ugh, I actually have to go, Ryan is trying to FaceTime me right now. He’s on location right now so it’s been pretty tricky keeping in touch. Don’t worry, though, it’s nothing that we can’t handle!
Disclaimer: I selected Ryan Gosling as a fake boyfriend prior to the birth/conception of his child. If Eva Mendes is reading this, I’m not trying to break up your family. I promise.