It’s the most wonderful time of the year. My excitement level is off the walls right now, guys. This is as exciting as Christmas morning, my birthday and National Mac & Cheese Day all combined and then squared. I will say this, I definitely haven’t gathered enough GIFs of the singer JoJo for this upcoming season. I’m a little unprepared, TBH. I’ve written JoJo (the singer) to request that she come out with some new music just so that I can use it for the blog, but her representatives have yet to reply. (Is JoJo even high profile enough to have representatives? Will ponder that.) 

As I write this I am pounding red wine trying to keep up with The Bachelorette drinking game (where there are no winners; everyone is the loser), and struggling to keep up. You basically have to drink every time someone monologues while looking into the distance. So after just the introduction, where JoJo looks longingly at a fountain, at a stream, at the oceanside, I’m getting tipsy and have to quit this game. But let the episode begin: 

JoJo rolls up to the mansion in a Thunderbird convertible, because she wasn’t attractive enough already, let’s put her in a light blue convertible. Waiting for her at the mansion, Ali, Kaitlyn, and Desiree, three former Bachelorettes, are there to give her advice. Andi, a previous Bachelorette, is noticeably missing, off promoting her book somewhere I’m assuming. The four of them girl talk for a little while and they give her a lot contradictory and vague advice, no doubt fed to them by ABC producers. Props go to Kaitlyn who is wearing Chuck Taylors throughout this whole part whilst sitting next to two girls in beautiful dresses. But I think it’s time to get to everyone’s favorite part of the show: the point when we all silently judge the men based off of their entrances and intro videos.  

The montage of introduction videos includes a fireman from San Francisco, Aaron Rodgers’ brother, a Marine, a Bachelor Superfan (who I personally relate to), an ex-pastor (who, according to my friend’s dad, is now employed as a “dick counselor”), a tech consultant, and a guy who I’m pretty sure lives in the town from the movie Hope Floats. Throughout his whole video I kept waiting for Harry Connick Jr. to show up, but was disappointed to find neither he nor Sandra Bullock cameoed in that introduction video. By the time these videos are over, I’m a little bored of these guys. But they haven’t even stepped out of the limo yet, so let’s give them a chance. 

Notable entrances include: a guy who brought a $17 bottle of wine (fact-checked), opened it, and chugged it, a short marine (who looks like scarily similar to Lord Farquaad from the cinematic classic Shrek), a singer-songwriter named James Taylor (to clarify not the actual James Taylor, just a normal guy whose parents have a sense of humor), and a guy dressed as Santa who says Jo-Jo-Jo-Jo-Jo instead of Ho-Ho-Ho. Also there is Wells, who had an acapella group follow him and sing Boyz II Men. 

For reference, and because I love this movie, here’s Lord Farquaad:

As soon as JoJo enters the house and makes a toast to them all, Lord Farquaad steals her away for some one-on-one time. Throughout the night, Derek, the guy who dressed up in the kilt, and the fireman all pull her aside to talk to her. I guess I forgot to mention earlier that one of the guys showed up in a kilt. Because when selecting a skirt to wear on your first date with a beautiful woman, a kilt is really the only way to go.

JoJo complains about not having an immediate connection with the guys she has met, that is until she is pulled aside by Jordan Rodgers (former pro-quarterback). Of course Jordan hits it out of the park (forgive the baseball reference, quarterback), but he definitely has a leg up on the rest of the guys. Not so much because his brother is Aaron Rodgers, but because he knows Olivia Munn. Will, who looks like he should be off playing quarterback on his high school football team in some Texas football town, brings a cootie catcher and gets the first kiss. But JoJo doesn’t really feel the sparks until Jordan comes back and lands a kiss of his own.

Out of nowhere the acapella group starts performing, because, little known fact, The Bachelor mansion is actually the setting for Pitch Perfect 3, out this Christmas. Chad and JoJo have a serious moment together, but leave it to ABC to foreshadow that he might be trouble through the clever use of Chad’s voiceover saying, “I’m pretty confident that if I wanted her, I could have her.”

Also surprise, surprise the Canadian is the weird one. What a shame, Daniel the Canadian is just undoing all of the good work that Ryan Gosling did in building Canadian/American relations. The rest of the guys take it upon themselves to get Cinco-de-Mayo hammered, and several of them interrupt her while she interviews with the producers. And I know she’s not going to say it, but all I want in this moment is for JoJo to look at these guys and sing “Get out, right now, it’s the end of you and me.” 

Later in the night Luke gives her a pair of cowboy boots and totally wins her Texan heart. JoJo gives the first impression rose to… Jordan, shocker. I should apologize upfront, because despite him being one of the cutest, nicest guys in the first episode, I have a small grudge against Jordan. The grudge comes mostly from the fact that he is pseudo famous, but also, I mean, you saw his intro video in the rain right? 

I think the takeaway from this entire episode is that girls have better instincts than guys. I think the guy in the kilt puts it best when he says, “Olivia got the first impression rose and she got left on an island.” Guys in kilts are just so wise, aren’t they?

JoJo is all ready for the rose ceremony with the guys all lined up when Jake, aka the loser Bachelor who was on this show when I was still in high school, shows up to talk to her. Unsurprisingly, NONE of the boys know who he is, except for the Bachelor Superfan. If you stalk JoJo on Instagram the way that I do, you would know that Jake and JoJo are family friends. And luckily, Jake is not there to try and join the guys, he just wants to pass on some big-brotherly advice. THANK THE LORD. 

Back to the rose ceremony. Here’s the gist: 

Roses-by-any-other-name: Luke (cowboy), Wells (with the acapella singers), James Taylor, the fireman, Derek (a fave of mine), Chase (a fave of mine), Lord Farquaad, long-haired guy, Santa, and the guy who naked-swam in the mansion. Wow, I made it through that whole recap without even mentioning that Daniel the Canadian stripped and got in the pool. This is really the cream of the crop.

Goodbye-my-lovers: Sal (a kick in the balls), Jake, guy in tan suit (Pete), guy in kilt, and a few others. I’ll miss you all, except I probably won’t miss any of you. 

My pics: Derek, Wells, Chase and (begrudgingly) Jordan. I’m pulling for Derek and Chase, for real.