And now we’re back. From outer space. We just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. If you (for some ungodly reason) missed the last episode, you can catch up with my recap from last week here. 

The gist of the two minute introduction to this week’s episode is that Chad is last year’s JJ, without a buddy Clint, and without the opportunity for redemption on Bachelor in Paradise. For those of you who don’t know what that means, let’s just say that he seems like trouble right here in river city, with a capital “T” that rhymes with “C” which stands for Chad. On a completely separate note, I cannot watch another montage of JoJo standing on a balcony thinking things. As I watch I make up my own dialogue for what she is thinking.

JoJo: “How long do I have to look leftward before this montage is over? Should I look right now? Was that a bird in the distance? Can I go inside now? I’m going to look left again, mix it up.”

The episode starts with the always-awkward Bachelor tradition of the group date. Chris Harrison leaves his Netflix binge (he just finished It’s Always Sunny and is about to start rewatching Friends) to give out a date card with some of the guys’ names on it. Almost immediately we hear the explosion of a limo on fire outside the mansion. The boys all sprint outside where I fully hope Grant, the firefighter, will do something to save the day.

Sadly, no boy makes any move to save anyone. JoJo rides in on a firetruck to save the boys (feminism, woo!), only to have boys give out the pathetic lines, “The limo wasn’t the only thing on fire,” and “JoJo was smokin’.” Girls around the world let out an exasperated collective sigh.

Between the firetruck and the newly-scorched limo, it’s unclear whether or not The Bachelor/ABC has the money to continue with the rest of the season. However they chug along and JoJo and the boys show up to a fire academy. You know? To put in their community service for the week. JoJo has set up a little physical competition for the boys where a few of them will win the opportunity to get some one-on-one time with her. Nothing like a physical competition to make all men revert back to their primordial selves. Wells struggles at the competition and almost faints, which only gives him more one-on-one time with JoJo. A strategic faint, if you will.

Back at the house the boys engage in a group sing-along, sans Chad. Luke (the veteran), Grant (the fireman duh), and Wells (the radio DJ) are the final three in the obstacle course competition and enter into a-NOTHER obstacle course to win one-on-one time with JoJo. Grant and Luke are head-to-head for most of the competition while, in the background, Wells mixes an awesome exercise playlist for the two real competitors. Grant wins, bringing honor to his entire fire department and bringing Luke to borderline tears.

Grant gets a little one-on-one time, Wells gets a little one-on-one time, James F. gets one-on-one time, Will, Evan, Robby and Luke get one-on-one time. Who will come out victorious and win the group date rose? Hard to say. Back at the house, Derek cannot stop beaming when the first one-on-one date card arrives with his name is on it. As a little aside, it’s been brought to my attention by my Bachelor scouts that Derek is a dead-ringer for John Krasinski… I’m not sold yet on the comparison, but I’ll let you make up your own mind:

Wells gets the group date rose much to the chagrin of Luke (and basically all of the other guys there as well).

For their one-on-one date the next day, Derek and JoJo take off in the beautiful blue Thunderbird convertible where throughout their date they will get to make choices that dictate what they will do on the date, first “sky or sea,” then “north or south.” “The sky is the limit,” says JoJo as they take off in a plane, north toward The Golden Gate Bridge. They end up picnicking beneath The Golden Gate Bridge and share a first kiss. Back at the house, Camp Rock 2 is fully underway with all of the boys engaging in their second group sing-along.

The boys are like:

Elsewhere in the house, Chad and Daniel are bonding and are all like:

It seems that our JJ finally found his Clint. A second date card arrives with a bunch of guys’ names on it, none of which is Chase. Don’t worry though, guys, I can feel him going far in this season.

Back on the date of a lifetime, JoJo and Derek sit down for a dinner by the water. JoJo wants to hear all about the nitty-gritty of Derek’s past relationships, but Derek doesn’t really like to open up about his past. JoJo opens up about her experience with Ben in order to get Derek to feel more comfortable talking to her. Eventually he confesses that he was in a relationship with another girl who he wanted to marry but who had another person in her life. He’s a little vague about it all, but it sounds like his past girlfriend/fiancee cheated on him. Derek gets the one-on-one rose and they make out in front of a bunch of fountains. Swoon.

For the second group date this week, the boys arrive at a television studio where JoJo is helping to host a sports cast on SportsNation (an ESPN sports show). The boys on this date quickly enter into a competition where they have to strike a pose to win JoJo’s heart, which only causes the boys to dance more ridiculously than I do at a bar. At least at a bar, I’m usually tipsy. These guys are sober and embarrassing themselves. But JoJo eats it up. They do a few other silly activities and the producers edit all of the footage from the date to cast Chad as an asshole. He does pretty much screw it up when he totally puts his foot in his mouth during a fake proposal. This group date turns out to be more painful than anticipated. The only face I can make throughout this date is:

The rankings are in (because the sportscasters ranked the guys in order of their preferences) and the top pick for the date and the number one spot is… James Taylor. The rest of the guys fall somewhere between two and six in the rankings. At a small cocktail party, all of the boys get some time with JoJo. Every Chad voiceover is him making fun of the other guys. In his one-on-one time, Chad mentions to JoJo that his mother died six months prior to the show, and then they make a wish in the wishing well and make out a little bit after. It would be WAY too much of a curveball for Chad to turn out to be a nice guy, but he’s on my fantasy team, so I guess I’ll have to root for him a little bit. James Taylor walks away with the group date rose.

For the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, Chad is waiting for JoJo at the front of the mansion in a desperate attempt to get some one-on-one time with her. They talk for a minute about his workout regimen (I think?) before they both join the rest of the guys for the cocktail party. Before they can all even clink glasses with an opening toast, Chase pulls her aside to talk with her. In the middle of a deep and meaningful conversation about snowboarding (it was bound to come up one way or another) fake snow falls from the sky above Chase and JoJo. JoJo professes her desire to learn how to snowboard and it’s all a match made in snowy heaven.

Back in the house, Chad is snacking on food left and right and all of the boys have taken notice. For the record, this is the first time in Bachelor history that I’ve seen them eat at one of these cocktail parties. “What did you think they just drink?” -My sister, Katie. Yes, Katie, I just thought they drank. Either way, let’s stop talking about how much Chad is eating. If this were a season of The Bachelor and one of the female contestants were made fun of for how much she eats, the internet would set ablaze in her defense. Also, if I’m ever going to be on this show we have to start accepting that some people like to eat food A LOT. (i.e. Me. And apparently Chad, also.)

Throughout the rest of the party Will and JoJo TP the mansion, Vinny and JoJo do shots, and Farquaad (Alex) and JoJo sit on a couch. Chad interrupts her time with Alex which prompts my mom to exclaim: “Chad is the Donald Trump of The Bachelorette.” Well, I can’t argue that. My question is, if Chad is the Donald Trump, who is the Paul Ryan? (CHASE. Attractive and desirable by comparison.) Enough political talk, let’s get back to what’s important in life: Loving and being loved by JoJo.

Chad steals JoJo from Evan during his time with her, causing Evan to totally lose his cool. He is borderline crying and very upset on the couch with the other guys when Farquaad (Alex) takes it upon himself to go confront Chad. You’re only putting yourself in the middle of the fray, dude. Chad swears and threatens Farquaad, but, if I’m being real with you guys, it’s unclear to me who is Shrek and who is Farquaad in this particular scenario. I’m leaning toward Chad being the asshole, Farquaad. I guess I’ll have to watch Shrek to brush up. It all ends in time for a rose ceremony. 

Here’s the gist of who got what for Christmas this year:

Every-Rose-Has-Its-Thorns: Farquaad (Alex), Christian, Robby, Luke (cowboy), Chase (praise Jesus, Moses, everyone), Jordan (quarterback), Grant (fireman), Santa Claus, Evan (“I’m glad she gave him a rose because he’s not that handsome” -My mom), and Chad (sigh).

Peace-Out-Cub-Scouts: Brandon with the good hair (it’s not that good, actually), Will, and the Superfan.

As always, I’ll leave you with my picks.

My picks: Chase, Derek, All’s Wells That Ends Wells, and Luke. (Jordan gets honorable mention.)

Next week is a two-night, two-part episode. So naturally, you can expect two recaps. Until then, I’ll leave you with this magnificent JoJo GIF: