Who’s ready for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1? I know I am. If you missed my recap last week, you can find it here. This week ABC is trying something new, a two part episode of The Bachelorette. For those of you who hate this show, that adds up to a four hour search for true love this week alone, so I suggest you strap in. (TBH if you hate this show, I have NO idea why you are reading this recap.) 

Let’s git ‘er done. 

This episode Chad is going to go berzerk. Evan says that if Chad gets a date this week and he doesn’t he will be… very… upset. Cue ABC giving Chad a one-on-one date. Jk, the first one-on-one date goes to Chase. Aka the star of my Bachelorette fantasy team and of all of my dreams. Outside the mansion, Chris Harrison cleans up the toilet paper from when JoJo and some guy TP’d the mansion last episode. Oh vandalism. Classic first date move.  

For Chase and JoJo’s one-on-one date (wow, my team just won more points), they are doing yoga. The yoga instructor asks JoJo how long they have been intimate which leads to JoJo’s awkward chuckle and distant look away. The instructor tells them that they are going to be doing an exercise called “angergasms,” which JoJo describes best as an exorcism. That’s what it looks like as they both writhe on the floor. You know? Normal first date stuff. In the words of Mindy Kaling: 

JoJo: “There’s an attraction there.” I should hope so, JoJo. He’s a 10. Well, a Bachelor Mansion 10, a real world 15 and a Connecticut 20. But you get it. At one point during this date, JoJo and Chase “yimyam,” which just is yoga-speak for JoJo straddling Chase. JoJo and Chase make out for a little bit, obviously, because she’s in his lap. I mean, who could blame her? However, as the cameras pan out, it appears the yoga instructor has all but disappeared from the yoga studio. Maybe Chris Harrison shared his Netflix password with her and they are both off binge watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt right now? Regardless, watching JoJo in Chase’s lap feels like a little bit of an invasion of privacy. I’m not even sure I should be here right now, producers. Cut to something else. 

JoJo and Chase head back for dinner and drinks, and it takes Chase all of two seconds to bring up his parents’ divorce. He makes it clear to JoJo that he is looking for one woman, for the rest of his life. They throw around the words “sanctity of marriage,” at least once and I’m struggling with this one. I support them, I do, but this is a lot to watch. Unsurprisingly, Chase gets the one-on-one date rose, and my fantasy team pulls further into the lead.

JoJo has one more surprise for him (because The Bachelorette thrives on “surprising” people) which is of course a private concert with Charles Kelley. (Not sure why I said “of course”, as if Charles Kelley is an integral part to every Bachelorette season.) 

They dance to the music for a little while and then out of the blue JoJo gives Charles Kelley a rose too! Okay, just joking. But he is really cute. Let’s get him in the mix. The fact that she could keep Evan (the penis doctor) around and not invite Charles Kelley into this competition is astounding. Although (I think) that that’s not really how the show works. Also fact-checked and Charles Kelley has a wife and child. But is that really a deal breaker? (It is.) 

But we haven’t even gotten to the good part. A group date card arrives, like clockwork, and Chad seems pretty pissed to be on the card. He says he doesn’t even want to go on the date, which really upsets the guys who aren’t getting a date at all this week.

Chad is just like:

 

And the rest of the guys are just like: 

Chad’s insensitivity causes a rumble likes of which we haven’t seen since West Side Story. It’s sort of like the boys sitting around the table are the Sharks and Chad is the only Jet. Or vice versa. You get the picture. Either way, Chad is an island. One of the guys: “That escalated quickly.” Yeah, no duh. 

On the way to the group date, there are two limos: the fun limo, and the limo with Chad in it. The boys arrive at a theater where it is revealed to them that they are going to learn about the female orgasm. It’s hard to say which one of the boys seems the most confused by the female orgasm. Probably Vinny or Jordan. Ali seems intrigued. For his part, Chad definitely has no interest in learning how to please a woman- which is a shame, because it’s so clear by his demeanor that he really could benefit from this lesson. For the group date the boys will all have to get up and talk about their sexual experiences in front of a theater of people. Naturally, Evan is thrilled because he talks about sex for a living. He’s way too eager to remind us all that he is an erectile dysfunction doctor. Way too eager. Maybe stop bragging. 

Unsurprisingly, Chad does not want to talk about his sex life possibly because he’s a virgin, but most likely because he is just a really bad sport. The rest of the guys are totally down to have fun and all collectively agree: let’s talk about sex, baby. Almost every guy starts his story with, “I’m sixteen years old…” Feeling a bout of courage, Evan gets up and, under the guise of a P.S.A. about the dangers of steroid-use, outs Chad as a steroid-user. We are well into the second act of West Side Story and someone is going to get shot for sure. Evan should be worried. He’s really small and Chad is definitely on steroids.

Evan ought to be like: 

As soon as Evan comes back up to sit down with the guys, Chad yanks on his shirt to pull him back. Bravo Chad! You should definitely start a fight RIGHT in front of JoJo. That’ll win her heart. During Chad’s speech in front of the crowd he attempts to go in for the kiss and JoJo expertly avoids it. When they get back into the green room, I sincerely hope everyone is going to form a protective circle around Evan. On his way into the room, Chad punches the steel door and starts bleeding. 

At the cocktail party that night Jordan expresses his feelings to JoJo, and Wells convinces JoJo to get in a sidecar for some reason. Strategically, Chad follows all of the boys around trying to interrupt their one-on-one time with JoJo. Chad attempts to convince some of the boys that he was unfazed by Evan’s speech. But, Chad, I think there are a few million viewers and a punched-in steel door that would beg to differ with that statement.

When Chad talks to JoJo he tells her that Evan is actually the one bullying him. Hmmm. Chad’s story about what happens depicts the biggest role reversal since Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis starred in Freaky Friday. Apparently Evan has been bullying him the whole time? Okay. Except no. Back at the house, James Taylor receives the last one-on-one date card and he is off-the-walls excited. 

For his talk with JoJo, Evan gives JoJo an ultimatum: It’s me or Chad. 

JoJo: 

If I were JoJo I would just give them both the boot. JoJo gears up to give out the group date rose but decides to pull Evan aside for one last heart-to-heart. Evan emerges from their talk with the group date rose. Do you believe in miracles?? (In the Al Michaels, Miracle voice.)

Chad’s impulse control problems rear their ugly head AGAIN when JoJo attempts to gives her ABC-mandated speech about how she can feel her husband is here. He shoots her weird looks the entire time and when she calls him out, he asks her if she’s really interested in Evan. Wow. For the first time all season I have to agree with Farquaad (Alex), when he says “I’m going to DVR this and watch it back on repeat.” This scene is the definition of crash and burn. Thankfully, for me, this group date finally ends. And, to the relief of the guys (and me, because I’m way too invested), the next morning a security guard has been posted in Chad’s room. 

The last event on the agenda for this episode is a one-on-one date with James Taylor. As a reminder, this isn’t the Grammy-award-winning James Taylor but the other one. For their date JoJo and James dress up in old-timey clothes and learn to swing dance. As it turns out, James Taylor’s awful dance skills really only make him cuter. As they leave the dance studio a bunch of couples wait outside swing dancing. A sign in the corner says that they should join in and James Taylor turns out to be the cutest, funniest and best guy in this whole competition. 

After a brief moment between Daniel and Chad where they discuss Hitler and Mussolini (normal bro-talk), the producers cut to JoJo and James sitting on the hood of a car outside underneath the moonlight. On the hood of the car, James confesses to JoJo that he wasn’t attractive in middle school. Once again (I said this last season), NO ONE WAS ATTRACTIVE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. It’s not an acceptable excuse to be insecure. James gets the one-on-one rose and pulls out a guitar to sing her a song. They make out in the car and I swoon. I actually fell out of my chair a little bit but, don’t worry, I got right back up. 

Back at the house, Chris Harrison “swings by,” and tells the boys that there will be no cocktail party this week. Instead, there will be a pool party with all of the guys that day. Chad says some sexist comments (because what else can you expect from a primate?) and as Chris leaves, Evan follows him out the door to tell him that Chad is scaring the boys in the house. C.H. pulls Chad aside to chat about his “violent behavior,” and Chad comes up with some stupid defense about Evan pushing him (WHICH DEFINITELY DIDN’T HAPPEN), and starts pointing fingers left and right.

C.H. tells Chad to go approach the boys and be nice about it, but Chad confesses to camera that he is going “to have to physically hurt” these guys. And, because the producers are cruel and heartless, that’s where this episode ends.

Wow, that was a lot. And there are two more hours tomorrow. As it turns out The Bachelor is doing open casting calls in Seattle the same weekend I am visiting my sister out there. Should I go? Y/N.

While I ponder that, I’ll leave you with my picks. 

My picks: Chase, JT (James Taylor, of course), and Wells. 

Here’s another JoJo GIF to get you through the next 24 hours.