What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: Why Do I Watch This Show Again?

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

Can you believe that we are here again? Somehow ABC tricked us all into spending another night watching this show. Here we go, here we go again.

Post-conversation with Chris Harrison, Chad comes into the house to have a short convo with the boys. Like a kindergartener, he has a little bit of trouble expressing his feelings. As in he doesn’t know how to express his feelings at all. Somehow, they come to a reconciliation together, a reconciliation which seems about as sturdy as that tightrope Joseph Gordon-Levitt walked across in that movie The Walk. But don’t worry, the ABC producers are on the case. They’re going to throw a pool party. That’ll fix this. 

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Turns out the pool party is hopping and all of the guys are having a good time. Jordan and JoJo get a little time together. She has real concerns about whether or not he is who he says he is, but he keeps telling her it’s not an act. Props to JoJo for her healthy skepticism. JoJo gets some individual time with the rest of the boys but the story of the day is that Chad is suspiciously calm. It doesn’t make any sense. In some one-on-one time with JoJo, Chad compares himself to a steak. Derek tells JoJo about the security guard, to which she seems totally shocked and surprised.

JoJo is Phoebe and everyone in the world is Joey: 

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After JoJo leaves, Chad pulls Derek aside to have the least organized debate since I debated on Confucianism in my tenth grade Western Civilization class. (TBH, I still don’t know what my argument was.) Things get a little heated between the two of them and I can only imagine that this will get worse before it gets better. Seeing as both Chad and Derek are on my fantasy league, I am really torn. Except, I’m not really torn at all because Derek is definitely good and Chad is straight evil. But it’s time for a rose ceremony: 

Winners: Alls Wells that Ends Wells, Luke, Robby, Vinny (wtf?), Farquaad, and Satan’s spawn (Chad). Also a few other guys. 

Losers: Christian, Ali and Saint Nick.

After the ceremony JoJo reveals the they are all leaving the mansion and heading to a mysterious location. After the commercial break, they reveal that they are headed to Pennsylvania. Hmmm. Okay, “mysterious,” I guess. On the way to the resort, the boys star in a Jeep commercial. And before anyone even has time to take their shoes off, the first one-on-one date card arrives. It’s for Luke. 

For the first part of JoJo and Luke’s date, ABC recreates the Oscar-winning movie Snow Dogs, with JoJo and Luke both starring in the Cuba Gooding Jr. role. After their sleigh-dog ride, JoJo and Luke arrive at a wood-burning hot tub (because I guess that’s a thing?) and JoJo makes Chad chop wood. Ah, bring on the muscles Luke. 

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After the water turns out to be scalding (good chopping, Luke), Luke romantically lowers JoJo into the steamy hot tub. What the whole date boils down to is that Luke (the veteran) is dreamy. Very dreamy. 

At the house, the guys receive the group date card which has everyone’s name but Farquaad and Chad on it. It takes the boys 30 seconds to start analyzing the 2 on 1 date scenario that we have to look forward to later in the episode. Luke and JoJo are still on their date and he starts to talk about his past in the army. I have no jokes for this part mostly because Luke is a real man worthy of respect. 10/10 he makes it to the final three guys. I think my mom put it best when she said, “He’s a keeper.”

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I just want someone to write a Nicholas Sparks movie about Luke’s life. (I guess that “someone” technically would be Nicholas Sparks.) For the final part of their date, Luke and JoJo head over to a theater where a giant crowd waits cheering to see them kiss on stage. Of course it’s another impromptu “surprise” concert with Dan+Shay. But enough about them, it’s time for the group date. 

The group date this week is a trip to the Pittsburg Steelers arena where the guys are all going to play some football with Ben Rothlesberger. I should absolutely Google search how to spell his last name but I really don’t like him very much, so Benny boy, your last name could be Cheeseburger for all I care. All the boys play a little football together until James Taylor gets hurt. Again, this is not the Grammy-award winner, it’s the other James Taylor. He desperately needs stitches but shrugs off the doctors so that he can play some more football with the boys. Towards the end, the boys split into teams for a small pick-up game where the winners get extra time with JoJo. It’s looking up for the White team until the very last second when Derek makes a big play and wins the game for “the underdog” Blue team. 

The winners get some extra time with JoJo and it’s during this extra time that Robby really shines. Jordan gets another chance to talk to JoJo where she once again expresses how worried she is around him. He takes her outside in front of a fountain and confesses that he is falling in love with her. In the end, his move works and he walks away from the cocktail party with the group date rose. 

Back at the resort the date card comes for Chad and Alex, which only causes Chad to start a verbal spar with some of the boys at the house. You know what? Verbal spar might be an overstatement. It was basically just Chad asking every guy in the house if they wanted to go outside and fight him. Very mature. Well it will all come down to who gets left on an island alone, right Olivia? 

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Before Chad leaves on his date, he makes some pretty aggressive threats to Jordan. Why, again, is he still on this show? For their date, the three of them take a hike through the wilderness. Yeah let’s bring them to the woods so that Chad can kill them both and leave them there to die. He’s psycho, I wouldn’t put it past him. When they get some one-on-one time, Alex tells JoJo about Chad and his threats. As JoJo approaches Chad to ask him about his threat to Jordan, Chad claims that he is not an aggressive guy. But Chad, I think there is a steel door and fifteen guys that live with you who would beg to differ. 

After talking to JoJo, Chad approaches Alex and looks like he is about to lose his shit. JoJo approaches the boys again to finally give out her rose. She asks Chad outright if he has threatened the guys in the house and he tries to skirt around it. Luckily JoJo can see through it, and she finally gives Alex the rose. Thankfully, they leave Chad behind in the woods. Back at the house, a producer comes by to grab Chad’s suitcase and the rest of the boys at the house cheer and take shots in dedication to Alex. The last scene of the episode is Chad, who has somehow wandered through the woods to get back to the resort. He knocks on the door, presumably to confront the guys in the house. And that’s where the episode ends.

Wow. ABC, I have some things to say. You’ve taken this too far and I’m not okay with it. Putting people in danger for ratings is just some stupid ass idiotic bullshit. Thankfully, I have two weeks to forget how annoyed I am by this. In the words of the prophet, Olivia Newton John, ABC, “you better shape up, because I need a man.” Not even a man, ABC. Just some human decency. See you in two weeks. 

As always, I’ll sign off with a JoJo GIF: 

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