The bachelor recap

This Week’s Episode of The Bachelor: Cars and Girls

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Check your Bachelor fantasy league scores and hunker down, here’s what you missed on this week’s episode of The Bachelor.

Another January, another journey for love. Where does ABC start off this season? Thankfully, with a recap of Arie’s journey through The Bachelor franchise, to remind young millennials just exactly who he is.

I have to admit, I’m a pretty big fan of The Bachelor, and even I didn’t know who Arie Luyendyk Jr. was when they announced the 36 year-old, racecar-driver-turned-real-estate-agent as The Bachelor. (I’m sure I’ll learn to pronounce his name at some point.)

And to jog our memories even more, ABC schedules a sitdown meeting between Sean Lowe (The Bachelor five years ago), his wife Catherine, and Arie. You’ll remember Sean as the only Bachelor in this history of the show to remain with the woman to whom he gave his final rose. Yep, those are the odds we’re working with. (The Bachelorette has a success rate closer to 50%, for reference.)

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This year, Sean offers up some subpar advice. You’ll remember it as the same advice that he gave to Ben and Chris Soules two and three years respectively. As they are currently both single, take his advice as you will.

ABC highlights a few women with video montages that could double as The Real World audition reels. Here’s what we’re working with this season:

Caroline, a realtor from Massachusetts (who went to high school with my cousin!), Nysha, a nurse from South Carolina, Tia, a physical therapist from Arkansas (who was friends with Raven from last year’s season), and a taxidermy enthusiast (which is a thing, I suppose?), named Kendall from California. Oh, Kendall. 

the bachelor recap

After the intro videos, I have a few thoughts running through my head: To the girl from Salt Lake who is so used to being pursued that she’s never had to pursue a guy before, you can see your way out; and to the 23 year-old professional photographer, Maquel, why did you put a sheet over the bride and groom you were photographing?

Based on my first impressions of the girls walking out of the limo, my favorites are Caroline, Jacqueline, Krystal (the Amanda Stanton of this season), and Bekah.

But, far and away, the best part of this whole show is that each girl seems genuinely surprised by the number of other girls that arrive. As if the number of contestants drastically changes one year versus the next.

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And overall, my biggest takeaway is that ABC is recruiting Laurens at an alarmingly fast rate. There are four Laurens this season, up from only two Laurens two years ago. That’s an 100% increase in only 2 years! At this rate, the entire show will be entirely Laurens in less than 5 years. (I predict season 27.)

The first night of The Bachelor is always fiercely uncomfortable to watch, and this season doesn’t disappoint. But, they hit a new low when one girl asks Arie to  smell her pits. You know? To make a good first impression. At that point I genuinely had to put my head in my hands.

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After the introductions come to a close (I would’ve recapped them but they were surprisingly underwhelming this year), Arie proposes a toast, “To getting a second chance for love.” Then, each girl attempts to chokes down their cocktails before stealing him for a little alone time. Ah, the bloodbath begins. First up is Chelsea.

As the night wears on, girls literally line up to get their turn to speak to Arie for 30 seconds. A few highlights from their 30 second conversations: Brittany and Arie race child-sized cars, one girl gives him a foot massage, and Caroline and Arie eat pizza. Props to Caroline. Theirs could be the most powerful pizza-related love story since Pizza My Heart.

And, as the night progresses, a new Olivia Caridi (remember her from Ben’s season?) emerges from the crowd. And yes, it’s Chelsea. She breaks the cardinal Bachelor rule, by pulling Arie aside for a second conversation before every girl even has a chance to talk to him once. And throughout the episode, she provides more UV protection than a Sunglass Hut. (*BECAUSE*OF*ALL*HER*SHADE*)

Unsurprisingly, she, too, wins the first impression rose. I’ve got my eye on you, Chelsea.

We blink and it’s time for the rose ceremony. As the sun begins to rise over the desert location of The Bachelor mansion, the girls shift nervously in their stilettos. But, unlike the two hour premiere episode, I won’t keep you waiting. Here are last night’s (read, last September’s) victors:

Still in the Driver’s Seat: Caroline, Maquel, Annaliese, Chelsea, Jacqueline, Bekah, Tia, and presumably at least two of the Laurens.

Not on Track: Brittane, Jessica, Olivia, and at least one of the Laurens.

As a side note, I’ve come to the rather upsetting realization that many of these girls are younger than me… and yet are somehow ready for marriage. Along with Bekah’s mysterious age (which I’ve heard is 22), this is something I’ll have to ponder between this week and next. 

Until then…


What You Missed on Last Night’s Episode of The Bachelorette: The Winner Takes It All

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Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Dallas where we lay our scene. From ancient grudge break to new rose ceremonies, Where civil group dates make civil drama unclean. 

Tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette involves two fewer suicides than Romeo & Juliet, but let’s be real, just as much drama. Should I do this blog post in iambic pentameter? 

What You Missed on The Premiere of The Bachelor: Fourth Time’s The Charm?

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We find ourselves back here again, friends. The whole world could go to shit (and so many people think it has), and ABC would still air The Bachelor. And I’ll let you in on a secret: I would still be blogging about it. 

I’m rooting for Nick this season, guys. If any of you followed along as I blogged during Katilyn’s season, I trashed him for being on the show “for the wrong reasons.” But if this guy is really willing to attempt to find a fiancé on national television for the FOURTH time, I’ll root for him. 

What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: What Even Are The Right Reasons?

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There was a lot of reality television on last night, wasn’t there? But, relax. I’ll stick to what I know: The Bachelorette

It’s hometown week. Come on, y’all. This week’s episode has to be a good one. (FYI, I’ll be adding the “y’all” periodically as I see fit during these hometown dates. We’re going to Texas, after all.) 

The first hometown date of the episode is Chase. This is the portion of the episode I’ll refer to as:  “The right relationship is everything.” For Chase’s hometown date, he brought JoJo to some random mountain in Colorado. I have to say that at first, it was a little unclear if he lived on the mountain or if there was a house somewhere for them to go. While sitting on the mountain, Chase confesses to JoJo that his parents are divorced and that the divorce was about as messy as one of JoJo’s top knots. More on this later.

What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: How Do You Say Awkward in Spanish?

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The Bachelorette heading to Buenos Aires, Argentina, means that the Spanish language is about to be butchered worse than when I took Fourth Semester Spanish last Spring. (Only you know what that means, Profesora Datel.) So Chris Harrison, who decided to leave behind his Netflix and chill session and make the trip with the rest of the cast, has a little chat with JoJo. They talk for a little while about how big this week is going to be. In summary: Very big. Muy grande, if you will.


What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: WAY TOO EARLY FOR I LOVE YOUS

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Due to some technical issues, I missed the first fifteen minutes of the show and am the going to have to draw from Twitter to summarize what happened at the beginning of the episode. Here’s what I got for you: Chad showed up at the house and Jordan Rodgers gave him the opportunity to apologize. Chad says no, confirming what Justin Timberlake always knew, which is that it really is too late to apologize. Chad instead throws his protein powder in the air a la LeBron James (more on the Cavaliers later).


What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: Why Do I Watch This Show Again?

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Can you believe that we are here again? Somehow ABC tricked us all into spending another night watching this show. Here we go, here we go again.

Post-conversation with Chris Harrison, Chad comes into the house to have a short convo with the boys. Like a kindergartener, he has a little bit of trouble expressing his feelings. As in he doesn’t know how to express his feelings at all. Somehow, they come to a reconciliation together, a reconciliation which seems about as sturdy as that tightrope Joseph Gordon-Levitt walked across in that movie The Walk. But don’t worry, the ABC producers are on the case. They’re going to throw a pool party. That’ll fix this. 

Here’s What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: “That Escalated Quickly.”

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Who’s ready for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1? I know I am. If you missed my recap last week, you can find it here. This week ABC is trying something new, a two part episode of The Bachelorette. For those of you who hate this show, that adds up to a four hour search for true love this week alone, so I suggest you strap in. (TBH if you hate this show, I have NO idea why you are reading this recap.) 

Let’s git ‘er done. 

This episode Chad is going to go berzerk. Evan says that if Chad gets a date this week and he doesn’t he will be… very… upset. Cue ABC giving Chad a one-on-one date. Jk, the first one-on-one date goes to Chase. Aka the star of my Bachelorette fantasy team and of all of my dreams. Outside the mansion, Chris Harrison cleans up the toilet paper from when JoJo and some guy TP’d the mansion last episode. Oh vandalism. Classic first date move.  

What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: Chad is Bad, What a Cliché

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And now we’re back. From outer space. We just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. If you (for some ungodly reason) missed the last episode, you can catch up with my recap from last week here

The gist of the two minute introduction to this week’s episode is that Chad is last year’s JJ, without a buddy Clint, and without the opportunity for redemption on Bachelor in Paradise. For those of you who don’t know what that means, let’s just say that he seems like trouble right here in river city, with a capital “T” that rhymes with “C” which stands for Chad. On a completely separate note, I cannot watch another montage of JoJo standing on a balcony thinking things. As I watch I make up my own dialogue for what she is thinking.

What You Missed On This Week’s Episode Of The Bachelor: Is He Allowed To Do That?

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And then there were three.

This week’s episode takes our three remaining girls and Ben to Jamaica. “The water is blue, the air is fresh,” and Ben is starting to sound like an idiot. As Ben intros the girls he lists his reservations about them. With Caila, he has a real problem with how happy she is. Basically she smiles way too much for him. I guess that phrase happy wife happy life really doesn’t apply to him. Ben: