And then there were three.

This week’s episode takes our three remaining girls and Ben to Jamaica. “The water is blue, the air is fresh,” and Ben is starting to sound like an idiot. As Ben intros the girls he lists his reservations about them. With Caila, he has a real problem with how happy she is. Basically she smiles way too much for him. I guess that phrase happy wife happy life really doesn’t apply to him. Ben:

But to be fair, Ben has other reservations too. With Lauren, Ben doesn’t know how she is feeling. According to Ben, she still has yet to open up to him. And as we all remember from last week, JoJo’s family went bezerk on Ben. Just in case you don’t remember it was a nightmare. Like the first-half-of-Meet-the-Parents bad. 

This episode opens with each of the respective parties looking dramatically out over the ocean. The gist of their monologues is that they all are feeling feelings.

Ben and Caila are up for the first overnight date, a riverboat ride down to a Jamaican food stand. Based off of the number awkward silences on the riverboat, a marriage between Ben and Caila would be pretty boring. Caila admits to cameras that she is upset that there are two other girls here. Because that’s what this show is missing: another girl upset with the format of the show. PSA: Don’t go on this show if you don’t want to share a guy with other girls. It’s how the show works. 

Sigh. 

When Ben and Caila sit down for dinner later that night he gives her the chance to explain why she’s been quiet all day. Caila explains to Ben that she doesn’t like the way the show is formatted and then she drops the L-bomb: Lauren B. No, I’m just kidding, she drops the other L-bomb: she tells him that she is in love with him. Ben looks back at her and she “can see in his eyes” that he is in love with her too. Is that really what you’re seeing in his eyes? I feel like from my perspective his eyes are a mixture of worry and panic, but maybe that’s just the low-res television I’m watching this on. At this point I can tell she’s going home tonight. After all, the producers are setting her up for failure with this scene. At the end of the date, Caila and Ben both decide that they should forego their individual rooms for the fantasy suite and Ben ceremoniously places the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door handle.

The next morning they wake up as serenely as those bullshit actors in the Lunesta commercials and drink some coffee. But, if you ask me, Caila is WAY too sure that he is in love with her. This is worse than when Olivia could “tell” that he was in love with her based solely on body language or when Lace thought that they were in love just based off eye contact.

Ben and ABC don’t waste any time and the very next day it’s time for another overnight date. Next up is Lauren. As the first part of their date, Ben and Lauren are met by Mel, a guy in charge of helping release baby sea turtles on a beach nearby. For their overnight date, Ben and Lauren are going to get to release baby sea turtles into the ocean. 

Ben: “My day is full of cuteness. I have Lauren, I have these sea turtles, Mel’s good looking.” 

Ladies and gentlemen, the true love story of the show: Ben and Mel. For me this is all vaguely reminiscent of the Nicholas Sparks’ movie The Last Song. As we all remember from The Last Song, Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth help usher baby sea turtles into the ocean right before her father Greg Kinnear collapses on the beach. Why did he collapse, you ask? It’s pretty much common knowledge I’m sure, but we all remember that Greg Kinnear’s character had terminal cancer and hid it from his children until he only had a few weeks left. We all saw the movie so I’m sure you remember but, Miley’s character and Liam’s character break up but then get back together at her father’s funeral, when he reveals that he is transferring to Columbia to be closer to her. Another memorable movie in the epic acting career of Miley Cyrus. Move over Ben and Lauren: Liam and Miley 4 Eva.

Side note: Does ABC just scam date ideas off of romantic comedies? 

I guess I’ve gotten a little off topic, but if I’m being honest I could talk about Miley and Liam forever. Let me get back into it. Ben and Lauren finish their date by going to listen to live Jamaican music and then they sit down to have dinner. She opens up to him about how she’s been feeling and they both decide that they need the time in the fantasy suite. Then out of the blue, she drops the L-bomb too. She loves him. And he says it back to her! OMG. The cameras get so up in their faces that honestly I’m worried they are going to drop a camera on him. They wake up the next morning and discuss their feelings a little bit more and then part ways. 

But we can’t get too hung up on Lauren because it’s time for Ben’s date with JoJo. Ben takes JoJo to a hidden waterfall where they jump into the water and swim for a little bit. When they sit on some nearby rocks she admits that she is in love with him, and he responds that he is in love with her too. 

Double OMG. (Or should I just have written “OMG, OMG”? Hmm. I’ll ponder that.)

She immediately looks at him and says, “Are you allowed to do that?” The question of the hour, JoJo. JoJo is basically echoing every text message that I received from my friends during this episode. “Is Ben allowed to do that?” I mean, he just did.

They sit down for dinner later in the evening and they cheers to the future. JoJo tells camera that she has “zero doubts” that he is going to be her husband one day. Dear lord, Ben. You are so in over your head. Ben and JoJo rehash their hometown date and the epic fail of a conversation Ben had with her brothers. They retire to the fantasy suite where they drink champagne and JoJo tells camera that their story is a “fairytale.” JoJo and Ben wake up in the morning and eat some fruit in bed. That’s basically all that happened. Welcome to the most boring couple in America.

Ben to JoJo: “We’re on the same page.” 

To be clear, are you talking the exact same page, Ben? Because, I’m pretty sure she wants to marry you. So the same page would mean that you would want to marry her too. Maybe  you meant you were on pages that are next to each other in the book? Or maybe you’re just in the same chapter?  

At this point Ben has made it pretty clear that he is going to send Caila home. Caila, smiling-wide, heads over to Ben’s hotel to find him. He is pretty stunned to see her right then, and I feel like I’m watching a train wreck that I know is going to happen but can’t stop. Poor Caila sits there smiling for a little while until about half way through the conversation when she realizes that she is getting sent home. She’s clearly upset and angry with him, and rightfully so. But honestly, I could’ve told her weeks ago that she wasn’t going to make it to the final two. It just wasn’t in the cards. 

When Ben puts Caila in the car and says goodbye she jumps back out and decides that she needs more closure from him. Did he know that he was in love with the other girls before he slept with her? Ben says no, but I’m not completely sold. She eventually drives off into the distance, visibly very upset that he sent her home. She has set herself up beautifully to be this summer’s bachelorette so everybody can get ready for that. Bravo, Caila. Bravo.

Now that Caila’s gone, the only thing left to do is give out the roses. Here’s a summary: 

Sister Wives: Lauren B. and JoJo. 

Jamai-Can You Please Go Now?: Caila.

Only two more weeks people! Can you believe it? I’ll see you back here in two weeks when it’s time for Ben to make a choice. The way I see it, one of three things could happen: Ben could choose JoJo. Ben could choose Lauren. Or, surprise option 3, Ben could leave them both and come find me here in Boston. Here’s hoping for option 3.

My pic: LAUREN B. I love her so much that I would marry her. She’s been my girl since week one and even though I love her, JoJo can get out (leave.)