What You Missed on The Premiere of The Bachelor: Fourth Time’s The Charm?

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We find ourselves back here again, friends. The whole world could go to shit (and so many people think it has), and ABC would still air The Bachelor. And I’ll let you in on a secret: I would still be blogging about it. 

I’m rooting for Nick this season, guys. If any of you followed along as I blogged during Katilyn’s season, I trashed him for being on the show “for the wrong reasons.” But if this guy is really willing to attempt to find a fiancé on national television for the FOURTH time, I’ll root for him. 

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What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: Chad is Bad, What a Cliché

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And now we’re back. From outer space. We just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. If you (for some ungodly reason) missed the last episode, you can catch up with my recap from last week here

The gist of the two minute introduction to this week’s episode is that Chad is last year’s JJ, without a buddy Clint, and without the opportunity for redemption on Bachelor in Paradise. For those of you who don’t know what that means, let’s just say that he seems like trouble right here in river city, with a capital “T” that rhymes with “C” which stands for Chad. On a completely separate note, I cannot watch another montage of JoJo standing on a balcony thinking things. As I watch I make up my own dialogue for what she is thinking.

What You Missed on The Finale of The Bachelor: “The Most Dramatic Finale Yet”

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It’s time for Ben to make the biggest decision of his life. And I’m not being hyperbolic, that’s actually how Chris Harrison’s voiceover describes it at the start of the show. Just based off of the amount of crying happening in the preview for tonight’s episode, this one looks like a doozy. 

Chris Harrison, back on set to complete his two hours of required work each season, also teases at the beginning of the show that Ben might get married in the live after show at 10 p.m., because, like… why not? 

What You Missed On This Week’s Episode Of The Bachelor: Is He Allowed To Do That?

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And then there were three.

This week’s episode takes our three remaining girls and Ben to Jamaica. “The water is blue, the air is fresh,” and Ben is starting to sound like an idiot. As Ben intros the girls he lists his reservations about them. With Caila, he has a real problem with how happy she is. Basically she smiles way too much for him. I guess that phrase happy wife happy life really doesn’t apply to him. Ben:

What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelor: Cue the Tears

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Just so that everyone knows how ’round the bend I have gone, I am officially dreaming about The Bachelor. I had a dream Sunday night about this week’s episode. (For those who are deeply curious, in my dream they were all on a group date at this haunted hotel and Amanda wasn’t there! It was just Caila, JoJo, Lauren B., and Ben. What does this mean? I’ll consult my dream journal and get back to you.)

What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelor: Did He Really Just Bring Her to a McDonalds?

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The gist of the thirty second preview of tonight’s episode is that everyone is crying. About what? I couldn’t say. (Maybe they’ve finally realized that their chances of finding true love on this show are slim to none.) But let’s launch into this recap. This week the show takes the girls and Ben to his hometown: Warsaw, Indiana.

What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelor: When Pigs Swim?

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Where did we leave off? Oh yes, I remember.

Ben has pulled Olivia off to the side but a question still lingers in the air: Will he take the rose away from her? 

What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelor: Wait this isn’t an Episode of Teen Mom?

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The first three minutes of the show are interrupted with a special news report about the Iowa Caucus. I’m sorry, but how is this more important than The Bachelor? Unless they are going to be caucusing on Lauren B. versus JoJo, I really don’t have time for this right now. ABC, know your audience. After the scariest three minutes of my life when the fate of this blog hung in the balance, ABC cuts back to the show. Thank god.

What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelor: ‘In it to Twin it’

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Oh my God, we’re back again. Brothers, sisters, everybody sing. Gonna bring the flavor, show you how. Gotta question for you better answer now, yeah.

Here goes nothing:

What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelor: I’m Insecure About My Toes

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The show opens on Chris Harrison arriving at the house to talk the girls through the past two weeks. You can always count on Chris Harrison to come out of hiding just in time to give horrible advice. He arrives with the date card and the first individual date goes to Lauren B., the flight attendant. In a clever (or not so clever) clue on her date card, it says “the sky is the limit.” Wow these producers are so smart.