What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelor: Wait this isn’t an Episode of Teen Mom?

humor, the bachelor, Uncategorized

The first three minutes of the show are interrupted with a special news report about the Iowa Caucus. I’m sorry, but how is this more important than The Bachelor? Unless they are going to be caucusing on Lauren B. versus JoJo, I really don’t have time for this right now. ABC, know your audience. After the scariest three minutes of my life when the fate of this blog hung in the balance, ABC cuts back to the show. Thank god.

The episode begins in Mexico City, where the girls arrive at a massive and beautiful hotel suite. The producers don’t waste any time before cutting to an obnoxious talking head of Olivia saying how there is no doubt in her mind that she is in love with Ben.

“I think our love language is reserved for us.” -Olivia

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The first one-on-one date this week goes to Amanda, the single mom. Ben sneaks into the girls’ room in order to wake them all up to say, “Welcome to Mexico.” Ben reassures the girls that they all look beautiful despite the fact that they just woke up. Don’t worry girls, Ben wears a retainer to bed too! 

Amanda is the only girl who wakes up looking gorgeous and completely ready for her date. She and Ben drive out into the countryside and get into a hot air balloon. Yep, a-NOTHER in-the-air-date. How many different ways are there to take women up the air? And at what point is he going to push one of these girls out of an aircraft? (Think about it, it’s the only logical motive behind all of these airborne dates. Why else would he be so obsessed with taking them up there?) 

Post-balloon ride, the two of them lay in a meadow for a picnic. Amanda and Ben express a mutual interest in getting to know each other more. Is this the part where he tells her he is a vampire and that his skin glows in the sun? 

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Back at the house the group date card has Olivia’s name on it a-gain, and she hard core freaks out. She can’t believe she didn’t get a one-on-one this week. But come on, no one cares Olivia. Literally no one. 

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On their date, Amanda gives Ben a run-down of her life before the show. Summary: She had a super horrible husband who cheated on her, ignored her, and didn’t want to spend time with her. In conclusion: Boys suck.*

*Except Ben. 

Ben listens attentively and behaves like a perfect gentlemen. He gives her the rose, deservedly, and then they make out a lot. Not a lot of jokes about this date, to be honest. Amanda is too cute and genuine for jokes. 

Thankfully jokes abound during the group date! The girls and Ben arrive at an English as a Second Language course where they all attempt to learn Spanish. Nothing like The Bachelor to butcher and ruin another language for you. Ben says “I love you,” in Spanish to all of the girls which pisses Jubilee off a little bit. “You said that to the last four girls also.” Crickets. 

Can’t beat Olivia’s talking head after her Spanish conversación con Ben: “There was ELECTRICI-TAY between Ben and I just then.”

The girls head up to a restaurant to make some comida con Ben. (Wow, my Spanish 4 class this semester is definitely paying off right now.) Olivia and Jubilee, public enemies #1 and 2 respectively, end up fighting over having Ben as their cooking partner. Olivia wins and the girls all break into groups of two to cocinar una cena. (Translation: cook a dinner.)

Whilst shopping for ingredients, Olivia feeds Ben a cricket and he almost chokes and dies. Rumor amongst the other girls is that Olivia’s breath smells. Ben, you can just add it to the list of problems with this girl. Whilst cooking Ben comments that he isn’t the “Bachelor,” he’s the “Spatchelor.” Shaking my head.

Over in a corner Jubilee sulks about being on the show and having all these other girls around her. Broken record. I get it, the show’s format sucks but you signed up for it. Jubilee, I can’t tell you how many times I cursed my 8:00 a.m. classes because I had to be up so early. In the end though, I couldn’t really be mad at anyone about it because I SIGNED UP FOR IT. 

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During the contest, the chefs judging their foods say that Olivia’s dish looks like dog food. In the end Jubilee and Lauren’s meal wins the contest. Unfortunately this isn’t like Master Chef Jr., and thus the girl with the best meal doesn’t win The Bachelor. Although, I think there’s a lot of room for a cross-over here. If Full House and Family Matters can force a television crossover (forcing together Stephanie Tanner and Steve Urkel), then anything is possible. 

After the contest, the girls and Ben head to a cocktail party where, no surprises, Olivia steals him first. Jubilee sulks in the corner while each girl gets some time to talk to Ben. Ben and Lauren B. head out into the streets of Mexico to make out a little. They walk hand in hand through the city while Jubilee mopes (again) on the couch. 

When Ben returns from his jaunt, he steals Jubilee to go chat but she is NOT having it. She doesn’t even want to hold his hand as they walk away. They chat for a little while but she’s being a real downer about this all. She tries to explain to him why she’s holding back, but Ben decides to be brutally honest: He doesn’t feel that there is a way for them to recover as a couple and he sends her home. After Ben sends Jubilee home he sits in a stairwell and cries. 

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Back with the girls, Ben tells them that Jubilee is gone. JoJo steals him (mid-sentence?) to tell him that she thinks he is handling this whole process really well. They make out and then it’s time for Ben to give his group date rose to a girl. Curveball, he gives it to Olivia. Yep, you read that right. OLIVIA. Why Ben, why? 

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The second one-on-one date is for Lauren H., the kindergarden teacher. They visit a fashion studio where they meet fashion designers and see clothes being made. And what a coincidence? This week is Fashion Week! 

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Ben and Lauren H. are going to get to walk in Fashion Week as part of their date. Lauren is v nervous, but she rocks it. As Ben walks past her he winks at her and my stomach falls right out of my body. I’m giddy. In summary: No one falls, they both wear crazy-colored clothing, Mugatu is nowhere to be found. 

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At dinner Lauren H. explains to Ben that she had a really bad relationship in the past, and Ben is totally digging the conversation and the fact that she is opening up to him. He gives Lauren the rose and they walk through the streets of Mexico arm in arm.

Finally it’s time for the cocktail party. All the girls talk to Ben, but here’s a summary: JoJo wants to be kept in the loop with Ben; Lauren B. can picture a life with Ben after the show is over; While all of the girls sit around, Amanda talks about how worried she is about her kids. Olivia cuts in with the comment, “It feels like an episode of Teen Mom right now.” Silence falls over the girls. 

Emily pulls Ben aside to tell him how much she is offended by Olivia and all of her comments, and finally it seems like Ben is going to see the real Olivia. But Emily barely gets through her teary speech before Olivia interrupts her. Ben talks to Olivia who doesn’t say a thing when he asks her about problems in the house. Amanda tells Ben about all of the problems she’s been having with Olivia. Ben pulls out a pipe and throws on a deerstalker hat and gets all Sherlock Holmes at this party, trying to get to the bottom of things. But finally it’s time for a rose ceremony. Almost immediately Ben stops the ceremony in order to talk to Olivia one more time. 

And like the tease that it is, The Bachelor ends with the tagline: 

TO BE CONTINUED…….

Ugh, I’ll remain frustrated and concerned for the rest of the week. More to come next week, I guess. Since I won’t get to put this at the beginning of next week’s post, let me put in my favorites. 

My pics: Lauren B. (duh), JoJo, and Caila. (Final three?) 

Who I think is going home next week: Leah (obvi), and Jennifer. (I think Olivia’s got one more week before I never have to see her again.) 

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