We find ourselves back here again, friends. The whole world could go to shit (and so many people think it has), and ABC would still air The Bachelor. And I’ll let you in on a secret: I would still be blogging about it.
I’m rooting for Nick this season, guys. If any of you followed along as I blogged during Katilyn’s season, I trashed him for being on the show “for the wrong reasons.” But if this guy is really willing to attempt to find a fiancé on national television for the FOURTH time, I’ll root for him.
Nick is on the show “to prove to America that if you don’t give up on love, you can find it.” Well isn’t that touching? Part-time model, former-software salesmen, forever runner-up, Nick opens the show by narrating his entire ABC-funded romantic history while he does various activities half-naked. I don’t hate it.
Here’s a summary: He fell in love twice, he was rejected twice, and he walked away from a chance at love just this past summer. But he is determined not “to fuck this up.” I love the optimism.
To start on this journey, Nick consults previous Bachelors, Sean, Chris and Ben. (For reference, he was in direct competition with Chris during Andi’s season, and with Ben during Kaitlyn’s season.) The boys offer Nick the same kind of advice you hear from your mom before your first day of kindergarten, “Be yourself.” All in all, I’m unimpressed.
Never fear, it’s time for ABC to reveal the girls via introductory videos in the style of Elle Woods’ Harvard Law School application. (This season one girl actually introduces herself on a pool float.)
We meet a bunch of girls, but let me just give my general thoughts: Corinne, the self-professed “important businesswoman,” whose nanny brings her snacks while she works, is about as ready for marriage as I am. For reference:
Also if you still have your childhood nanny working for you, maybe you’re not ready to be someone’s wife? Maybe you’re a child? Just an observation.
Danielle, the neonatal nurse, speaks in the soft and innocent tone of voice of someone who still believes in Santa Claus (this year’s Amanda?). Josephine, the girl who talks to multiple animals, seems crazy. Seriously, “The Eliza Thornberry” is really your opening move, girl? However, I’ll reserve judgement seeing as it’s too early to decide where she falls on the hot-crazy scale.
One contestant tells Nick that her girlfriends warned her that “he is a piece of shit,” and another one wishes him luck “meeting his other girlfriends.” These are some bold attack strategies, ladies. I have to say, watching these girls get out of the limo on this show, I immediately feel less awkward about my own life.
Bonus points go to the girl who hops out of the limo with Neil Lane and several of his most impressive engagement rings. She’s clearly not messin’ around. She’s ready to get married and, given the fact that Chris Harrison is a licensed officiant, a small part of me wishes they would just get married tonight and end this thing. Also at this point in the franchise, Nick has met with Neil Lane so many times I’m pretty sure they’re Snapchat best friends.
One girl feeds Nick an uncooked hotdog, one asks him if he’s “clean,” and another girl rides up on a camel and tells him, “Everyone likes a good hump.” I can honestly say that is a word I have never used on this blog. I’m just going to close my eyes until this is over.
The big snafu of the night arises when half of the girls show up in red dresses. How is Nick supposed to keep track of so many red women? Well, Nick, if Ben can handle identical twins, I think you can figure out the difference between crimson and vermillion.
(And, yes, I was vaguely referencing Game of Thrones with my “red women” comment. As a sporadic GOT viewer, I have to say I’m pretty proud of that reference.)
Nick stutters quite a bit while introducing himself to the girls. Nick, they are all contractually obligated to fall in love with you, relax. In the process of meeting the girls he learns to ballroom dance, talks football, and receives a bag of tokens from one girl. Surprise, it’s Corinne, the contestant whose nanny still makes her meals for her. It’s unclear what the cash value of the tokens are, perhaps the same as the cash value of a Stanley Nickel?
Vanessa, the special education teacher, is a clear stand-out. She’s smart and normal which are two characteristics that are as rare on this show as a contestant who’s achieved a post-graduate degree. (More on this later.) Most of these girls come across crazy. Hot-crazy? Ehhh.
Alexis, the aspiring dolphin trainer who arrived dressed in the left shark’s costume from the Super Bowl two years ago, wades into the pool and makes dolphin calls until Nick comes over to talk to her. Bold move.
Nick has a chat with a contestant who he had met previously at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. (Tanner and Jade are previous Bachelor/Bachelorette candidates who met on Bachelor in Paradise two summers ago and got married on ABC on Valentine’s Day last year.) Apparently she was the maid of honor at Jade’s wedding, met Nick, got his phone number and then never followed up with him.
She doesn’t give a great explanation for why she didn’t call him after they met, and really goes off track when she tells him, “I don’t want you to think I went on the show because you are The Bachelor.” Why wouldn’t you want him to think that?
After a sweet conversation with Danielle M., Nick decides to give Rachel the first impression rose. You’ll remember Rachel as the badass lawyer/Dallas Cowboys fan, whose clients seem a little too comfortable with having their legal matters aired as part of her introductory video. A contestant with a post-graduate degree? How refreshing.
Before you even have a chance to say, “What’s that girl’s name again,” it’s time for the rose ceremony. Here we go.
Viall’s Victors: Vanessa, one of the Jasmines, Corinne (this year’s Olivia), both Danielles, crazy Josephine, Alexis the dolphin/shark, and Liz the girl he met at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.
29th-21st Runners up: Actually, I don’t remember any of their names.
The rest of the season promises lots of tears and at least one Backstreet Boys’ concert. I, for one, am excited!
My picks: Vanessa, Danielle M., and Rachel.
See you back here next week. Until then, here’s a GIF of another famous Nick to tide you over.