Sometimes I think I would be more psychologically healthy if I didn’t watch this television show. Unfortunately for me there is no twelve-step program designed to get me to stop watching, no nicotine-style patch to help me get over this addiction. So I’ll just keep writing until years and years into the future, with my dying breath, I whisper, “What even are the right reasons?”
To begin this week’s episode Chris Harrison interrupts the girls’ mimosa brunch to announce the first group date this week. The date’s clue: “Always a bridesmaid.” Now, because ABC promo’d the hell out of it, I know the first group date of this week is a wedding photo shoot.
How I imagine this going:
Scoot to the edge of your seat, because it’s time to find out who Nick is going to kiss on this group date. Granted, because the ABC promo for this week’s episode shows Corinne mounting Nick in the pool, it’s possible you don’t need to be on the edge of your seat for this.
The gist of this group date: each of the girls takes a turn posing for themed wedding pictures with Nick. While this is happening, the rest of the girls sit in the corner, drinking and throwing stank eyes in the direction of the one being photographed.
Innevitably, one of the girls decides to have her first kiss with Nick in front of five of his other girlfriends and the claws come out.
After one girl in a topless Adam and Eve costume (a common wedding outfit??) has her photo shoot, Corinne decides to take her top off too, in retribution. You know what they say? Two wrongs may not make a right, but two topless girls make ABC a lot of money. Okay, so maybe no one says that, whatever.
Nick gets to second base with Corinne with all of the girls watching, and I, for one, am super uncomfortable. At the end of the photo shoot, the well-known photographer (who kind of looks like he just stepped out of a time machine) gets to choose the girl who will drive off into the sunset with Nick in a Buick, and he picks Corinne.
We blink and suddenly it’s time for the group date cocktail party. Unsurprisingly, Corinne is the first to pull Nick aside and while we watch the two of them make out we hear her voiceover: “I am already falling in love with Nick.” OKAY, HOMEGIRL. Pump. The. Breaks.
You. Have. No. Chill. At this point, Corinne is going a little crazy:
Why do guys always like the crazy girl? *Sigh*
Back at the cocktail party, Nick and That’s-so-Raven have a great conversation and, by all appearances, the night seems to be going fine. But before long, Corinne, self-proclaimed “classy” girl, goes back in for a second conversation and cuts off dolphin girl, Alexis. Who’s the shark now?
And just when Nick gets a moment to talk to the charming mental health counselor, Taylor, Corinne interrupts her too. Taylor waits about a minute and then comes back and “re-interrupts” her.
Later, upset by the “re-interruption,”* Corinne drunkenly confronts Taylor. After all, she’s “classy,” and when someone comes at Corinne she’s going to defend herself. At least I think that was what she said. Her logic was poor and her speech was slurred so it’s possible I misread that. Here, I’ll just give you her quote: “The way I go about things is very classy and not directed at a character in general.”
In the wake of the confrontation between Corinne and Taylor, the whole group goes silent. Like clockwork, Nick wanders over to the group and gives Corinne the group date rose. Corinne’s talking head: “I stepped out of my comfort zone, and my dad would be proud.”
*”The Re-Interruption” would make for an excellent movie title.
While Tropical Storm Corinne (meteorologists are hesitant to give it hurricane status before week 3) raged at the group date, back at the house the one-on-one date card comes for Danielle M. For their date, Nick and Danielle take off on a private flight and arrive at a private boat where they sail, eat cheese, drink wine and chat. Here’s a new piece of information: Danielle is from Nick’s hometown.
Back at the house, Liz confesses to Christen that she hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Christen takes it pretty well, surprisingly.
Later on their date, Nick describes his previous breakups to Danielle: “She went a different direction.” What a diplomatic way of describing that, Nick. In one of the more heartbreaking moments of the series, Danielle confesses to Nick that she walked in to find her fiancé dead of an overdose five years ago. Nick does an adequate job comforting her, nothing special, but he does put her mind at ease. Danielle gets the one-on-one rose.
The night ends with a ferris wheel ride, and in my head it’s 2003 and all I can see is Benjamin McKenzie and Mischa Barton.
An aside: I really like Danielle, but Nick usually goes for a girl with a higher level of sass. I don’t think Danielle is going to end with a proposal, so I just hope he doesn’t break her heart.
For the final group date, the only clue on the card is “We need to talk…” You probably saw this one coming, but for the second group date of the week Nick brings the girls to… The Museum of Broken Relationships. Because apparently that is a thing that exists. He tells the girls all about his broken relationships while they all stare at the engagement ring he picked for Kaitlyn. Neil Lane didn’t take that one back, Nick?
The date is about to get interesting because, for this date, the girls are going to take turns breaking up with Nick. Hey, this could be entertaining.
How I imagine it going:
How it actually goes:
For her fake break-up, Liz tells the entire story of how she and Nick met at Jade and Tanner’s Wedding, and by the end she has me wondering if she really is breaking up with him. False alarm, she doesn’t break up with him, she just makes everyone in a 5 mile radius SUPER uncomfortable.
At the group date cocktail party, Nick starts stressing because he still doesn’t know if Liz revealed their history to all of his other girlfriends. He doesn’t want the girls to think he is a liar. But don’t worry Nick, even though you lied to them, they won’t think you are a liar.
Christen tells Nick everything that Liz told her earlier and, even though he fields her questions well, it’s clear that this will blow up in his face before night’s end.
After a confusing conversation with Liz, Nick decides to send her home. I can’t even fault him on this one. Liz is super unclear about what she wants and why she came on this show in the first place. And if you don’t know why you’re on the show, maybe you should go home.
Nick walks her to the car and then settles down to tell the rest of the girls about his night to remember (or should I say “to forget”) with Liz. And ABC cuts to the TO BE CONTINUED, leaving us all to rush to our Bachelor fantasy leagues and check to see if Liz was on our team.
Even though this week’s ending was completely unsatisfying (almost every episode is unsatisfying), I’ll leave you with my picks.
My picks: Vanessa, Danielle L., Rachel (where the hell was she this episode?), and Taylor.
I’ll see you back here next week, but in the meantime enjoy this gif of another famous Nick. I know, I know, technically he spells it “Nic.”