What You Missed On The Bachelor: Quit Playing Olympic Games With My Heart

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

To start this week’s episode, Nick has a lot of ‘splaining to do. When we left him last, Nick had sent Liz home and decided that it was time he tell the rest of the girls that he had sex with Liz at the wedding last Spring. 

Nick arrives for the rose ceremony to talk with the girls. He tells them all about the Liz situation and the girls seem pretty stoic about it. They all get a chance to tell him that they’re “processing,” and “blindsided,” and “shocked.” 

Nick talks to all the girls and tells one of them that he “is a big fan” of her.

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In response to the shocking revelation that Nick and Liz had sex, Corinne behaves the way any normal human adult would. She gets naked. It is hard to tell at this point in the show whether Corinne fits any of the above descriptors. (Presumably she’s human, but “normal adult” seems like a stretch.) 

Corinne, the re-interrupter, heads over to meet him clad solely in a trench coat. She explains to Nick that she just, “wanted to get you whipped cream.” Nick asks the question on all of our minds, “What does whipped cream have to do with anything?” 

Corinne’s genius plan is that she is going to put whipped cream on her body and make Nick lick it all off. Because when people are doubting your maturity as a 24 year-old woman, you should definitely introduce whipped cream into the debate.

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Somewhere in between gulps of whipped cream, Nick mentions that he doesn’t want to get Corinne in trouble. Nick doesn’t really seem into this whipped cream dream turned nightmare and, after another girl interrupts their time together, Corrine sulks off and cries to producers, “I just want to go home. If anything that whole setup just degraded our relationship.”

It’s at this point, folks, that it becomes clear Corinne doesn’t know what the word “degrade” means. Someone get this girl a word of the day calendar, please. You know what? Send me her address or give me Raquel’s phone number and I’ll arrange to have one sent to her. 

Thankfully, it’s time for a rose ceremony. Possibly because she missed nap-time today, Corinne falls asleep and misses the entire rose ceremony.

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I Want It That Way’s: Danielle L., Rachel, Vanessa, That’s-so-Raven, Jamie, Sarah, Shark/Dolphin Alexis, and Josephine.

Quit Playing Games With My Heart’s: Lacey, Hailey and one other blonde.

The morning after the rose ceremony, the girls all huddle for a pep talk with Chris Harrison, who introduces The FREAKIN’ Backstreet Boys. They arrive, much to the delight of the women (and me), and reveal that they are going to be helping out with this week’s first group date. 

First on the agenda of the group date: The Backstreet Boys remind all of the people watching that they have a Vegas residency coming up. (Not at all subtle promotion.) For the date the girls and Nick rehearse dance routines because they are going to be dancing backup for The Boys at a concert tonight. Throughout the routine, Corinne is so lost that she’s trying to open the hatch.

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The girls perform a subpar backup dance routine, but honestly no one is even looking at them: THE BACKSTREET BOYS ARE ON STAGE. The girl who wins the dance competition and gets a personal serenade with Nick is Danielle L., the small business owner. Danielle and Nick dance to “I Want It That Way,” and they make out in front of the entire crowd and the rest of the girls. 

At the cocktail party, Corinne mentions that seeing Danielle and Nick kiss is “the worst thing to happen” in her entire life. REALLY? You see, Corinne, I find that problematic in and of itself. She admits to Nick that “planned dancing” is not something she’s good at. “What’s it called? Choreography?” Yeah, Corinne. It’s called choreography.

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Danielle and Nick have great chemistry throughout the entire date, but it is still awkward when they slow dance without music during the cocktail party. While they’re off dancing, Corinne tells the girls about her nanny. Understandably, the girls need more information from her because, like all of us, they are confused. Corinne tells them all that her nanny Raquel makes her bed, does her laundry and cooks her meals. “It makes her happy, and who am I to deprive her of her happiness?” 

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I could make too many jokes about the most famous nanny since Jude Law had that affair, but I’m not even going to touch on it any longer. Danielle L. gets the group date rose, and thankfully when the date ends we can finally stop shaking our heads at Corinne. 

The one-on-one date this week goes to Vanessa, the special-education teacher. For Vanessa and Nick’s one-on-one date they are going to fly in a zero-gravity plane. It is basically the coolest date ever, and somehow it doesn’t even matter that she gets sick on the plane. For some reason, Nick is totally cool with making out with her despite her vomiting. Ah, true love.

Nick is all like: 

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Vanessa and Nick end their date on the rooftop of the highest building in Los Angeles. Vanessa thanks Nurse Nick at dinner for helping her when she was sick today, and he kills the game saying, “I like taking care of you.” They have a conversation about family, and she asks him about his past experiences. He really explains himself well when he talks about it: “Mumble, mumble, mumble.” 

Vanessa gets the one-one-one rose, and they make a VERY cute couple. 

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For the second group date, the girls and Nick are going to compete in a Nick-athon with real life Olympians. The goal of this competition is for the girls to win at various track and field events and for them to get their 10,000 steps in. Throughout the events, the girls’ Fabletics outfits don’t seem to be providing enough support and a few of the girls seem like they might pop out at any point. 

Dominique gets really upset during this date because Nick isn’t paying enough attention to her and by the end of it she is on a collision course with an emotional breakdown. 

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During the post-Nick-athon cocktail party, he and Rachel have a lovely conversation about their relationship. Obviously, because Rachel is THE BEST. Still upset from the date, Dominique confronts Nick about how he hasn’t given her a proper chance and tells him that she really needs validation. Nick tells her that he feels their relationship has fallen too far behind everyone else’s, and that she she should go home. As it turns out, he doesn’t want it that way. 

He rightfully gives Rachel the group date rose and she is one step closer to being this summer’s Bachelorette. I’m calling it now. 

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At the mansion, Chris Harrison arrives to tell the girls that the cocktail party is being replaced with a pool party. Surprisingly, Corinne is the one to point out that some of the girls seem a “little desperate” at the pool party.

As a surprise, Corinne sets up a bouncy house for Nick during the pool party. Because, if the whipped cream wasn’t enough to convince everyone that she is mature, she literally sets up a child’s toy for him. The only thing that is missing is her nanny standing outside of the bouncy house shouting at her to be careful not to bump her head. 

After bouncing on the bouncy house with Nick, Corinne goes back to her bed and takes a nap. Children need more sleep than adults, after all. While Corinne slumbers, the girls take turns confronting Nick about her. Vanessa KILLS the game when she confronts Nick over his actions, “Why would you behave this way, knowing that you are under more scrutiny than any other Bachelor before?” 

His answer, “Mumble, mumble, mumble.” 

AND THAT IS WHERE ABC ENDS IT. REALLY, ABC? Ugh, another frustrating ending, but I’ll leave you with my picks. 

SOLID CONTENDERS: Rachel, Vanessa, Danielle L. (and M.) and That’s-so-Raven.

While you wait for next week’s episode, enjoy this gif of another famous Nick.

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