What You Missed On The Bachelorette: Basketball Is My Favorite Sport (Finish The Lyric)

humor, television, the bachelor

As Memorial Day came to a close I thought back on all the sacrifices our soldiers made for our country. And I couldn’t help but wonder, are we all soldiers in the war for love? 

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Okay, that’s my one and only shot at being Carrie Bradshaw. Here’s what you missed on this week’s edition of The Bachelorette: 

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What You Missed On The Bachelor: Quit Playing Olympic Games With My Heart

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

To start this week’s episode, Nick has a lot of ‘splaining to do. When we left him last, Nick had sent Liz home and decided that it was time he tell the rest of the girls that he had sex with Liz at the wedding last Spring. 

Nick arrives for the rose ceremony to talk with the girls. He tells them all about the Liz situation and the girls seem pretty stoic about it. They all get a chance to tell him that they’re “processing,” and “blindsided,” and “shocked.” 

Nick talks to all the girls and tells one of them that he “is a big fan” of her.

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How to Play “The Game”

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Recently while I was hanging out with three of my girlfriends, I drafted a text message to send to a guy. It was the type of text message that had to simultaneously say, “I’m cool but not conceited,” and “I’m both fun and funny.” You can imagine the pressure. 

After drafting the text message I did what any normal girl would do: I passed it around one-by-one so that my friends could read it and help me weigh in on whether or not I should send it. The text message went through a series of rigorous examinations to make sure it was send-worthy. We did focus groups on whether or not it was funny enough. We held caucuses on whether or not I came off too strong in the text. We made graphs and charts to determine if I’d waited the necessary amount of time since he texted me last. 

Now accepting applications for a new friend. No previous experience necessary.

humor, Uncategorized

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So I’m accepting applications for new friends beginning in January 2016. It’s a new year, new friends, right? From what I hear new friends are silver. Or are they gold? I can never remember. What follows is a list of the qualifications and characteristics I am looking for in a friend.

Letter to a Basic White Girl

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Dear Amy, 

I have a few things I want to get off my chest. 

1. You drink too much Starbucks. Like, way too much. One or two cups a day? That is too much. And you drink way too many Cappuccinos and Lattes. If you are going to drink coffee, drink COFFEE. If I see you with one more Pumpkin Spice Latte, I will lose my shit.