A Letter To Myself At Sixteen

advice, Uncategorized

Dear Amy, 

How have you been? Of course, I’m asking more out of politeness and courtesy than anything else. If I think back hard enough I can remember how you have been feeling lately, how I was feeling six years ago. Congrats on finally getting your braces off, by the way. Metal-free is the way to be, after all. I actually am writing with a purpose larger than just congratulating you on your metal-free existence. If you can tear yourself away from David Caruso and his sunglasses and whatever Sean Kingston song just came out, I want to tell you some things. 

Say Goodbye to the Best Excuse You’ve Ever Had: I’m in College

advice, humor, Uncategorized

If Marathon Monday shenanigans have taught us anything over the past four years, it’s that we can get away with a lot of things under the blanket excuse, “I’m in college.” And as we prepare to say goodbye to our friends, TITS Thursdays and the lovely men behind the counter at T Anthony’s, I think we also need to be prepared for when we have to say goodbye to the greatest excuse we’ve ever had for anything: “I’m in college.” In no other place but college could we get away with the kinds of things we get away with now. Think about it: 

How to Play “The Game”

humor, Uncategorized

Recently while I was hanging out with three of my girlfriends, I drafted a text message to send to a guy. It was the type of text message that had to simultaneously say, “I’m cool but not conceited,” and “I’m both fun and funny.” You can imagine the pressure. 

After drafting the text message I did what any normal girl would do: I passed it around one-by-one so that my friends could read it and help me weigh in on whether or not I should send it. The text message went through a series of rigorous examinations to make sure it was send-worthy. We did focus groups on whether or not it was funny enough. We held caucuses on whether or not I came off too strong in the text. We made graphs and charts to determine if I’d waited the necessary amount of time since he texted me last. 

Let Me Upgrade Ya: Boys, Jobs, and Cell Phone Plans

Uncategorized

At a concert last night I was patiently waiting for the opening act to go on when I overheard a few drunken 40 year-old women passing some life advice down to two 20 year-old girls seated behind me. Hardcore eavesdropping, I overheard some surprisingly wise advice from one of the 40 year-old women. I’m still not clear how the topic came up or if this advice was at all solicited, but this woman began to talk about life and love. And while the advice wasn’t directed at me, I think I might take it. 

This 40 year-old woman looked at the 20 year-old girls and said, “Girls, when you get a boyfriend you have to treat it like a job. You have to always be willing to upgrade. Just like everything in life.”