So I’m accepting applications for new friends beginning in January 2016. It’s a new year, new friends, right? From what I hear new friends are silver. Or are they gold? I can never remember. What follows is a list of the qualifications and characteristics I am looking for in a friend.
1. An appreciation for sitcoms, with particular emphasis on F.R.I.E.N.D.S., Parks and Recreation, The Office (British and American, come on, they are both works of art), and any comedy TV show starring an alumnae of SNL. If you don’t like these shows you have bigger issues than not being my friend. You need to reevaluate your life choices immediately. These shows consistently make me laugh harder than anything else in the world. Thus I assume those people who don’t like these shows have poor taste in most arenas of their life.
2. An understanding that Taylor Swift is a talented lyricist. I understand not everyone likes Taylor Swift’s music, and I don’t want to force any friends to like her music if they don’t. But if you try to argue with me that she has no talent I will unleash a fiery anger towards you that is as aggressive as it is relentless.
3. You have to have seen Anchorman, Zoolander and be anxiously awaiting Zoolander 2, out in February. The reasons behind this one are similar to the first pre-req on this list. If you don’t like them, get better taste. Stephen Hawking narrates the trailer for Zoolander 2 for crying out loud. What do you have against Stephen Hawking?
4. An acceptance that I don’t really care about Harry Potter at all. This one is tricky, because the people who like Harry Potter have strangely strong opinions about it. I just don’t care about it at all. And you can’t try to convert me to your magic cult. I’m not buying into it. I do have an appreciation for the first Harry Potter movie, and I had an early crush on Neville Longbottom. (I know, not the traditional heartthrob, but he wins Gryffindor the House Cup in the end.) However, I stopped reading the books mid-way through the second novel. Well more accurately, when I was little I started listening to the second book on tape as I fell asleep, and the hissing of the basalisk (sp?) has forever traumatized me. **
**I did once attend a meeting for a club called Dumbledore’s Army when I was a freshman in college, which is where I found out for certain that I was not a Harry Potter fan. What can I say? I was desperately trying to make friends, just in all the wrong places.
5. A desire to watch Disney Channel Original Movies with me. I know what you’re thinking. Do you really still like DCOMs? Answer: Absolutely. The lessons I’ve learned from Disney Channel Original Movies number into the hundreds at least.
What are you some heartless monster? Smart House? A movie about a family that lives in a robotic house? What’s not to like? Zenon? A film about a futuristic girl trying to adjust to normal life on earth? Come on! And if you like scary movies, we can even watch Halloweentown 2: Kalabar’s Revenge (by far the scariest of the Halloweentown franchise).
You don’t necessarily have to love these movies, but you do need to be willing to watch them with me and mock Zac Efron as he sings and dances down a golf course.
6. You are not allowed to judge me for the choices I make on the dance floor. This one’s pretty simple. I look like a loser freak whenever I dance, and as my friend you need to accept this.
7. You must be a dog person. Or at least you have to like dogs and cats equally. I’m looking for the John Cusack to my Diane Lane. (Have you seen Must Love Dogs? I honestly don’t recommend it, except in order to understand this reference.) Cats kind of suck, guys. They are pretentious and super irritable. I am really scared of them. They have sharp claws. Alternatively, dogs love giving kisses, hanging out with you, and sitting in your lap. They are just better, guys. This one might anger a lot of people, so I’m sorry. But it’s one of my firmest beliefs.
8. You must believe that Season 4 of One Tree Hill is by far the worst thing ever to come out of the CW. And that includes their TV remake of Beauty and the Beast. Never heard of it? Exactly my point. If you don’t watch One Tree Hill, you can just ignore this one. If you disagree with this statement, you have no chance.
9. You need to believe that ‘NSYNC is one of the top-ten best bands of all time. I’m not going to pretend that they are better than The Beatles, or The Jonas Brothers or anything. But you really need to appreciate them for the way that they ushered us into the new millennium. Hearing the simple lyrics, “It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with you, but when we are apart I feel it too,” 6 year-old me felt way less scared of that Y2K crap. (Granted, any fear I felt about Y2K was then replaced by a fear that life size marionettes were out there in the world.) Also, it gave me the unrealistic dream that I was “tearing up their hearts.” At the time I desperately wanted to date Lance, whom I was unconditionally in love with. Honestly if he divorced his husband today and asked me out, I would probably say yes, sexual orientation be damned.
So that’s my list. Take it how you will. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Amy, this list is even less realistic than the wish lists they bring onto that bullshit show House Hunters.” Yeah, I know it’s a little unrealistic, but you gotta be real about your expectations in life.
Here’s the final one:
10. You should also be a nice and caring person who is capable of higher thinking. Saved this one for last guys, because it is the least important. I’m only joking. It’s actually the most important. And if you can check this one off, the other nine really aren’t deal breakers. They’re still massively important, and good conversation topics to consider if we ever have a conversation in real life. (Not sure who’s reading this tbh.)
I’ll be accepting applications from now until December 31st. You can send any applications with cover letter and resume to my home address of… wait, probably shouldn’t put my home address on the Internet.