My parents’ couch beckons

humor, Uncategorized

The alternate title to this blog post was, “In four months I’m being evicted and fired from my job of 16 years.” 

I knew this day would come, guys. I ignored it. I pretended that I didn’t see it on the horizon. I denied it. But now this day is here. I’ve finished my fall semester and I am now a second semester senior.*

*Disclaimer: It took me about five minutes to write that sentence. It sort of felt like if I didn’t write it, it wouldn’t be real. Kind of like how when all of those people in the last Harry Potter movies say “Voldemort,” he and his dementors appear. As long as I didn’t say “Voldemort,” this day wouldn’t come. 

But we’re here now. There’s no turning back. I’ve been rewatching the graduation scene of the third Twilight movie hoping that Anna Kendrick would have some sage advice for me. What should I do with my life, Anna Kendrick? 

giphy

 

Sadly the Twilight movies are just as average as I remember them, and Stephanie Meyers is definitely not the one I should be going to for advice. She would probably just tell me to go find some loaded vampire who is willing to provide for me for the rest of my life. Given that I’m fairly certain that vampires don’t actually exist, what is a girl to do? I’m really asking you, guys. I have no idea what I should be doing right now. 

I can tell you what I do know: This sucks. It really sucks. Suddenly there are all these grown up things we have to deal with. I was just starting to get used to doing my own laundry and buying my own groceries and now I have to worry about obtaining gainful employment? What? They keep moving the goal posts on me. 

giphy-1

 

What else do I know? The answer to that is nothing. I know nothing. I don’t know what I’m doing in four months; I don’t know where I’m living in four months; I don’t know anything. Wasn’t college supposed to prepare me for the real world? 

The-Office-Michael-Scott-I-Understand-Nothing

 

So far, I have thought of a few potential options for post-grad plans, and I would love to get your two cents on them. 

1. Star on a reality television show. I’m honestly not particular about which show I want to be on. I would pretty much be on any show if it meant that I could delay the real world for another six months. Speaking of which, is The Real World still airing? 

2. Go on the road. I’m really not sure what I would do “on the road,” but it seems like a viable post-grad plan. Musicians and performers are always going “on the road,” so why can’t I? What’s that you say? I don’t have any musical talents or performance arts skills? Eh, technicality. Picture Jack Kerouac’s On the Road, only with less divorce and infidelity and fewer cotton fields. 

3. Become a YouTube star. That’s the American dream after all. For this one to work I would definitely have to do some research on what people are really looking at on YouTube these days. I sense the majority of people aren’t watching as many Bachelorette fan videos or Paley Center interviews as I am. 

4. Take a gap year. I should be clear, I don’t really know what I would do during my gap year. I think most people who are “taking a gap year” have plans to go do missionary work in an impoverished nation or backpack through Europe. I don’t have any plans like that and, as such, my gap year would probably just consist of the longest CSI: Miami marathon in recorded history. 

5.

 

I literally couldn’t even think of a fifth possibility, guys. That’s how hard I am struggling on this one. I’m just going to ask this again: WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO? At this point I am open to any and all suggestions. 

While you think, I will continue to search for inspiration in the divine words of the gospel, The Office. (I started rewatching the show from the beginning a few days ago and I am already on season 3.) That’s just the type of well-adjusted, mature adult that I am. 

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