I have a few things I want to get off my chest.
1. You drink too much Starbucks. Like, way too much. One or two cups a day? That is too much. And you drink way too many Cappuccinos and Lattes. If you are going to drink coffee, drink COFFEE. If I see you with one more Pumpkin Spice Latte, I will lose my shit.
2. Did you know that there are other machines at the gym besides the elliptical and the stairmaster? Try a different machine, PLEASE. The free weights come in pink for crying out loud. I know the ellipticals at the gym are closer to the TV’s that play Sex and the City, but seriously you need to do something else.
3. No one cares how good your Tumblr looks right now. No one. Trust me. No matter how many times you reblog photographs of street art, or filtered photos of celebrities, or inspirational quotes, no one will ever care. You also talk about your Tumblr way too much. Please stop.
4. You can even. This one is important. You CAN even. Stop saying that you can’t. Saying “I just can’t even,” makes you sound like a complete idiot. You can’t even what? Stop saying that. You can even. You can.
5. Stop cleaning out the white wine section of your local grocery store. I don’t care how delicious Moscato, Riesling and Pinot Grigio are, please stop drinking them. And don’t try and tell me that Rose is the perfect combination of red and white. There is a reason why your father calls it “that fruity stuff.” Also, hard cider is 2% alcohol so stop drinking Angry Orchard. Drink something else. Your Moscato obsession is getting out of control.
6. Did you know that there are other types of sushi besides the California Roll? Try them. Or just stop eating sushi all together.
7. You wear heels out too much. You insist on wearing them out to bars and then you wobble around all night. Just wear flats. Do yourself and all of us a favor.
8. You watch too much reality television. And you talk about reality stars like they are your friends. You are NOT friends with the people on The Bachelorette. Let me repeat that: You are NOT friends with the people on The Bachelorette. You need to stop talking about Shawn’s snap story and about Kaitlyn’s trip home to see her parents. You don’t know them. Also it’s creepy that you know this much about them.
9. Online shopping is stupid. It just is. Buying something without seeing it in person? That’s so clearly a mistake that I can’t believe you continue to do it. I know free shipping is tempting, but just stop. You online shop so much that your internet browser remembers your debit card number. Stop.
10. Get rid of your Pinterest wedding board. You’re not getting married anytime soon. You don’t need to be planning a wedding right now. You really don’t. On a similar note, stop watching TLC’s Friday Bride Day. I don’t care how cool and funny Monte from Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta seems, you need stop watching these shows.
11. Start listening to music that is not Taylor Swift. I don’t care if “she knows exactly what you are going through” or some bullshit, you need to stop. There’s only so many times I can listen to you sing along to Blank Space before I want to blow my brains out.
Yeesh, thanks for hearing me out. I really appreciate it. I’m glad I got all of that off of my chest. I think if you stop doing all of these things I mentioned, you’ll be better off. You’ll be way happier, trust me.
Well… now that I mention it, you do seem pretty happy. Actually you seem really happy. Like George Bailey at the end of It’s a Wonderful Life happy. Do all of these things really make you happy?
Ugh. FINE, just stay the way you are. But I will continue to judge you from afar.
The Rest of the World