What You Missed On The Bachelorette: Basketball Is My Favorite Sport (Finish The Lyric)

humor, television, the bachelor

As Memorial Day came to a close I thought back on all the sacrifices our soldiers made for our country. And I couldn’t help but wonder, are we all soldiers in the war for love? 

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Okay, that’s my one and only shot at being Carrie Bradshaw. Here’s what you missed on this week’s edition of The Bachelorette: 

For the first group date of the season, Rachel hosts a barbecue for a few select boys, to show them that she is wife material (can cook) and that she is the cool girlfriend (can play football). But let’s not beat around the bush. You know Rachel’s ultimate goal at that barbecue is to sell us a Weber grill. And, hey, I’m buying. 

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As with all barbecues, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis arrive about halfway through and inquire if the boys are all employed. Apparently, Ashton and Mila are huge fans of The Bachelor franchise. I would be surprised, but aren’t we all? 

Ashton and Mila are there to introduce the group date’s challenge: a “Husband Material” obstacle course. I’m not going to go into the details of this absurd challenge, except to ask: if the boys are tasked with changing diapers on a baby doll, where did the producers get the real poop in the diapers? 

At the end of the obstacle course one man remains: Lucas the Waboom guy. And Lucas’ prize? A kiss during the cocktail party. Oh Rachel, he is a clown – do not pursue this guy. 

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(To clarify, we are not behind Waboom a hundred percent.) 

After talking with quite a few of the guys at the cocktail party, Rachel cries boredom. No one can keep her interested – not even Jack Stone (part-time Bachelorette contestant with the name of an undercover superhero). 

From underneath the black cloud of boredom circling the cocktail party, drama strikes like a bolt of lightning. Blake takes his one-on-one time with Rachel to explain that he met Waboom before the show started. The long and short of it is, Blake will not be purchasing a Waboom t-shirt from Lucas’ soon-to-be-announced apparel line. I’m not going to go into it, because the drama is C+ level interesting, and neither of these guys will be in the top 8.

Who does capture our interest at this cocktail party? Dean (or should we say James Dean?) wooing Rachel with his beautiful smile and sense of humor. Group date rose? Check. 

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But the real winner of this episode is Peter. Not because he gets the first one-on-one date of the season, oh no, but because Rachel brings her dog on his date. Peter and Rachel head to a dog party, which might be the best date I’ve ever heard of in my life. 

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At dinner with Rachel later that night, Peter blows it big time with his wardrobe choice of a double-breasted blue blazer, but makes up for it with great conversation. They break bread (metaphorically, no one eats on this show after all), and bond over their shared gap-teeth, and the relationship therapists they both went to see recently.

After Rachel gives Peter the rose, SHE goes in for the kiss – and we see fireworks! Literally. ABC springs for grade-A fireworks which shoot overhead as Rachel and Peter make out.

However, the episode doesn’t really pick up until the second group date when KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR shows up to play basketball with Rachel and the boys.

Side note: I would love to have been in on the conversation when the ABC producer called up Kareem and was like, “Kareem, I know your next career move: The Bachelorette.”

Kareem’s advice for Rachel, “Basketball’s a really good game for romance.” When Rachel asks Kareem what he thinks of DeMario, he foreshadows future drama with his comment, “Sometimes people do a Jeckyll and Hyde on you.” Too true, Kareem. Too true. 

The boys suit up for a basketball game, and I think we all know who’s going to dominate this game: Lee, the singer-songwriter from Nashville.

Surprisingly, the game isn’t even the interesting part of the date. After the game, Lexie, DeMario’s GIRLFRIEND shows up. Yep, you heard that right. GIRLFRIEND. I hate to make the pun, but DeMario is literally double-teamed by Rachel and Lexie who corner him with questions. When did you start dating? When did you break up? How did you end it? 

Unfortunately, Kareem has mysteriously left the building and is unable to help Rachel sort out this dilemma. After briefly attempting to get to the bottom of the scenario, Rachel sends DeMario away with a super curt: “Get the fuck out.” 

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At the post-basketball-game cocktail party later that night, the boys each take turns telling Rachel how betrayed they feel by DeMario. They all bond over their mutual betrayal and in the end, Josiah walks away from the group date with the rose. 

At the next night’s cocktail party, Rachel spends a little quality time with Bryan before DeMario shows up on the property. And so the episode closes, with Rachel heading outside to talk to DeMario and the rest of the boys heading outside to confront him. This can only end well. 

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 Until next week, I guess? 

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