So how about that episode of Dancing with the Stars last night, right? Just kidding guys, you know why we’re here. The Bachelorette is back. 

Is everybody ready to take off your lawyer hat and put on your love hat? (Paraphrased slightly from Rachel’s opening intro.) 

As Chris Harrison is quick to point out, our Bachelorette, Rachel, has everything. Great friends, a loving family, a powerful career… she’s just missing one thing: the most expensive dating app on the market, ABC. 

I’m not even going to talk about any of the guys in the opening montage except for Lucas the goofy one. You know what, I’m just going to call him the Goofy One, for the next one to two episodes I have to watch him. He seems… colorful.

Other notable guys from the opening profiles: the single father, the lawyer, and the obligatory personal trainer who talks way too much about his testosterone (amongst other things).

But let’s get started. First thing Rachel does when she arrives at the mansion? She gathers her girl-squad of future BIP contestants to give her some pre-first-night advice. In summary, their advice was: You just gotta let yourself fall, Rachel. You just gotta fall. 

I don’t know about you guys, but the entrances are actually my least favorite part of the show. I tend to internalize the embarrassment of the moment, which then of course triggers a montage of every embarrassing moment that I’ve ever experienced in my own life. It’s deeply troubling and the topic of many therapy sessions in my future, I’m sure.

But back to judging other people’s neuroses! What I took away from the entrances: there is a disproportionate number of personal trainers on this show; and the guy who’s job description is Tickle Monster should probably rethink how he brands himself. 

One guy brings a vacuum, one guy brings a puppet named A.J., but things get really interesting when the guy in the penguin costume emerges from the limo. Did I say interesting? I meant uncomfortable. But maybe he’s this year’s Alexis.

After the arrivals are over, Rachel joins the men in the house to give a first-night toast identical to the one I gave before going out every night senior year of college: “NO REGRETS.” 

The guy that gets the first impression rose? A.J. the puppet! Just kidding, as of about fifteen television minutes into the cocktail party the leader is Brian from Colombia, who is also the first to land a kiss. It seems like the rest of the guys spend most of the night in an awkward struggle to get time with Rachel.

The first impression rose actually goes to… Colombian Brian. He’s a heartthrob and very deserving, although honorable mention goes to single dad Kenny. 

This week’s recap is short and sweet, as it’s time for the rose ceremony. 

Roses By Any Other Names: Iggy, Diggy, DeMario, Firefighter Bryce, Alex, SINGLE-DAD KENNY, Penguin, Anthony, Josiah, Adam (but not A.J. his puppet), one of the Blakes, the Goofy One, and probably a few others (there were a lot of them).  

Gone And Definitely Forgotten: Ugh, I won’t pretend like I learned their names. 

Ah, another season, another journey to love. Well, thanks for starting on this journey with me, guys. I’ll sign off with another Rachel gif to tide you over until next week: 

Remember when Rachel got off the plane? *sigh*