What You Missed On The Bachelor: Michael Jordan, Abraham Lincoln, Corinne. All the Greats.

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

We have a new president and yet we’re still watching the same drama on The Bachelor. How many weeks in a row can Corinne behave like a child before she gets the boot? Let’s find out. 

When we left off, Vanessa and Nick were in a heated conversation about Corinne. Vanessa calls him on HIS SHIT, and has a real take-it-or-leave-it attitude which I really admire. Nick leaves the mansion for a few hours, giving the girls plenty of time to confront Corinne before they have to start putting their faces on for the rose ceremony. 

Taylor and Sarah confront Corinne and explain to her how her actions look to the other girls. They tell her that she comes across “privileged,” to which white, millionaire-heiress, nanny-possessing Corinne says…. “I am the farthest thing from privileged.” 

She gets three gifs this week: 


This week, Corinne wakes up in time for the rose ceremony. Ah, isn’t that what you want in a wife? Someone who is awake during important parts of the relationship? Here’s how the rose ceremony shakes out:

More Roses More Problems: Taylor, That’s-so-Raven, Alexis, Danielle M., Josephine, and . . . Corinne. 

Someone Has To Be On Bachelor in Paradise: Christen, and another very upset girl whose name I can’t remember. 

The next day, Chris Harrison arrives to tell the girls that they are headed to Milwaukeeeeeeee. (I thought adding the extra e’s would make it sound like a more interesting destination. Not really.) 

You see, Milwaukee is Nick’s hometown. So some of the girls will get to meet his parents this week.

Upon first arriving in Milwaukee, Nick has a wholesome sit-down meal with his parents at a restaurant in town. He tells them that he was anxious when the show first started, then he wasn’t, and then he was again. It’s a little heartbreaking when his mom starts to cry at lunch, but luckily Nick pulls himself together in time to meet the girls at a local park.

At the local park in front of the rest of the girls, Nick singles out Danielle L. (winner of The Backstreet Boys’ concert serenade), for the one-on-one date. Ooh, that elusive hometown one-on-one date. 

Nick and Danielle walk through his hometown and into a bakery downtown where everyone knows his name. They hop behind the counter and make cookies that look like themselves and make out (weirdly their cookies make out too). After the bakery they walk right into an incredibly awkward and staged run-in with one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends. (Who sources say is happily married with kids now.)

Danielle: I can’t believe that just randomly happened.

naive baby.gif

Danielle and Nick sit on the same hillside where Nick lost his virginity and chat about all of their early romances. It’s a pretty sweet, but also a carbon copy of that scene from What To Expect When You’re Expecting with Anna Kendrick and Chace Crawford. (Damn, I’m really showing my hand with these references. Note to self, watch better movies.)

For those of you who are normal and haven’t seen that movie more times than you’re proud of, this is the scene I’m talking about: 


They (Danielle and Nick, not Anna Kendrick and Chace Crawford) finish the night at a bar where he asks her about her flaws. She opens up about her parent’s divorce and how it caused her to close herself off from happiness and our hearts melt.

Back at the house, the girls are thrilled when the date card comes and reveals that Raven is getting a one-on-one date and that Corinne is going on the group date. You’d think the girls would be more upset that they aren’t going on the one-on-one date, but: 


Still at the bar, Nick gives Danielle the one-on-one date rose and they head for their last event of the night. In true Bachelor fashion, they arrive at a country concert and dance solo in front of a huge crowd of strangers who are contractually obligated not to talk about what they see during the concert. If this sounds familiar to you, it’s because this painfully awkward conclusion to a one-on-one date happens at least once a season. Kind of makes the moment less special, no?

For the group date this week, the girls go to the farm. Ah, that’s what this show is missing. Manure. Spoiler, Corinne isn’t happy (is it still a spoiler if everyone can see it coming?). The whole group date revolves around the girls doing chores around the barn and getting in touch with their inner farm girl. I can’t pinpoint which part I think is more romantic, the shoveling of the cow manure, or the milking cows.

Nick makes sure the girls know how important farms are to him, but like… I’m not convinced. These days he’s a freaking male model. I think the only milk he drinks is in his Skim Lattes. 

Corinne – the non-privileged girl – wanders off from the crowd saying, “Thank God I didn’t wear designer today.” This would have been enough to make our eyes roll but she tops herself by complaining, “I want sushiiiiii.” 


At the post-farm cocktail party, Corinne compares herself to a stalk of corn. I would go into more detail, but it’s not an SAT-level analogy, so I have a little trouble following her logic.

Vanessa gives Nick a super cute scrapbook that her students made for him and, on the opposite end of the spectrum, Corinne confronts the girls about the tension in the house. I won’t go into the details except to say that at one point during the conversation Corinne compares herself to both Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln. 


Goddess Rachel and Nick talk about how vulnerable she feels in this experience. And don’t worry girl, Nick knows how you feel. He seems to genuinely care for her which would be more touching if he didn’t comfort Corinne the same way a few minutes later. 

Corinne has what she calls an “adult convo” with Nick, where she tells him that she thinks she’s cleared the air with the rest of the girls and that there won’t be more problems anymore. Hmmm. Okay. Also, specifying one conversation as an “adult” conversation only highlights that the rest of your conversations are pretty immature.


Thankfully, it’s time for the That’s So Raven revival aka Raven’s one-on-one date. For their date, Nick takes Raven to meet his youngest sister Bella and the two watch Bella’s soccer game. Cue Raven’s voiceover about how this experience is making her see what a wonderful father Nick would be.

He introduces Raven to his parents who coincidentally are also at their own daughter’s soccer game. They have a little chat with Raven and basically no one is watching Bella play soccer. She scored a goal, guys! PAY ATTENTION. 

Raven’s date ends at a roller-skating rink where Raven and Bella engage in a serious conversation while Nick completes an entire roller-skate routine in the background. ABC-producers cue up Kiss Me (you’ll remember it from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) while they roller-skate around and it is a very cute date.


At the end of the night, Raven and Nick sit down for dinner and they immediately rehash her last relationship. Her ex-boyfriend cheated on her with another woman, which resulted in her beating the shit out of both of them. She seems pretty badass and super cool after this date, and of course walks away with the one-on-one rose. 

The next night it’s time for the cocktail party. And it wouldn’t be a cocktail party without some drama with Corinne. This week, Corinne tries to start a fight with Taylor. Now, generally, I’m on Taylor’s side. But I’m really over the catty-ness (sp?), and I could do without this entire ten minute segment of the episode.  

The episode ends with the confrontation between Corinne and Taylor, the Re-interruptor (Aka the villain in Corinne’s life story). Taylor definitely comes off a little superior during the conversation, but when Corinne says, “Taylor you’re not smarter than me,” it only reaffirms in my head that Taylor is smarter than Corinne. 

Thankfully, both the drama and the episode end. As always, I’ll leave you with my picks. 

My Picks: Goddess Rachel, Vanessa, That’s-so-Raven and both Danielles. TBH I care very little about the other ten girls. 

Here’s a gif of another famous Nick to get you through until next week’s episode: 




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