When we last saw our friends they were in New Orleans, in the midst of the two-on-one date from hell. Taylor had made the gutsy decision to re-interrupt Corinne’s dinner date with Nick. Tonight’s episode features fourteen people on a search for love. These are their stories. *Dun Dun*

Taylor the re-interruptor (no comic book deal pending), comes back from the dead* to give Nick a stern talking to and to remind him that Corinne is NOT there for the right reasons.

*What do you mean they don’t kill the women off after they get kicked off the show? I thought that was part of the structure of the show. Sigh.

About as unfazed by Taylor’s warning as I am by a past-expiration date on my medicine, Nick thanks her for her honesty and returns to his make out session with Corinne.

Between the “not here for the right reasons,” and the “thank you for your honesty,” tonight is a night of Bachelor cliches. Frankly I’d like to see someone new in the writers’ room soon. I’d be happy to lend my services. 

Thankfully, we’re saved by the rose ceremony which begins abruptly after Nick cancels the cocktail party. Here’s what happened at the flower-giving-away part of the evening:

Winner, Winner, Low-Carb Chicken Dinners: Vanessa, That’s-so-Raven, Danielle L., and Whitney (who I must admit, I called Astrid throughout the whole rose ceremony). 

Maybe We’ll See You This Summer’s: Jamie, Josephine and Alexis! The dolphin-shark hybrid! 

I don’t know how you are feeling post-ceremony, but I am stressed. But, we can all relax because Nick knows what we need. This week, he’s bringing us to… St. Thomas!!

The girls arrive at their resort with the wonder and merriment of a child told that he’s going to get ice cream. For this week’s first one-one-one date, Nick selects KATNISS EVERDEEN, THE GIRL ON FIRE. Only joking, he’s taking Kristina out for a date on the island. (These are the kind of exciting surprises ABC could expect from me if they let me in the writer’s room of this show.)

Somewhere on St. Thomas, Kristina and Nick sit for a picnic and talk about their massive families (there’s like 20 siblings between the two of them), and it’s all a little hard to follow. If Kristina and Nick are going to end up together, I’m going to need ABC to provide a Sirius Black-style family diagram that I can put up on the wall of my room to keep track. 

On the dinner date, Kristina bears her soul to Nick and tells him more about her childhood. It is fascinating, guys. Kristina’s mother kicked her out when she was five or six and she lived in an orphanage for more than five years in a small Russian town before she got the opportunity to move to the US and be adopted. Forget The Bachelor, let’s get this girl a book deal. ASAP. I’m serious.

Back at the resort, the group date card arrives and reveals that Whitney and Danielle L. (the only two not on the card), will be on a two-on-one date this week.

At the beach, collectively the girls, Nick, and the ABC producers seem to think that Tequila shots and competitive volleyball is a good mixture for the day. This definitely won’t end badly. 

Unsurprisingly, the day ends in tears for nearly 100% of the girls. Let’s see if Nick can simultaneously convince six different girls to stop crying. My guess? Probably not. Their not-so-fun day at the beach ends with Nick staring solemnly into the ocean waves.

At the party later that night, Nick pulls Rachel aside to ask her how she felt about the volleyball game, and she tells him outright that she almost left the show earlier today. He asks that Rachel keep him updated with how she’s feeling and she assures him that he will know how she’s feeling. LOVE. THIS. GIRL.

Now, I want to get the number right when I say Jasmine tells 1000 people that she hasn’t had a one-on-one date with Nick. She starts freaking out about how little time she’s gotten with Nick which is a pretty big warning sign. By the time Nick finally pulls her aside, she falls apart emotionally and tells him that he frustrates her and that she kind of wants to choke him. It’s uncomfortable.

When she imagines their future together, Nick is forced to come to the conclusion that they don’t have one. He gives her the boot. Some might call it harsh, but Jasmine was way too caught up in getting reassurance to be a real contender. 

Raven walks away from the group date with the rose, and Nick gathers his remaining energy up for his two-on-one date with Danielle and Whitney. Ah, Danielle, Whitney, Nick… the best trio since Destiny’s Child.

For their date the trio head to the beach to hang out, and unfortunately not even the beautiful scenery can make this date less awkward. Luckily for us, Nick doesn’t wait very long before choosing Danielle over Whitney. A la Olivia from Ben’s season, Nick and Danielle fly off into the sunset leave Whitney on the beach alone. I would say on a scale of one to Chris Cupcake on that Irish cliff, it probably ranks around a 7 in sheer awkwardness.

After taking off in their jet and leaving Whitney behind, Nick and Danielle spend the rest of their date in a prison. Relax, guys. It’s not like a regular prison, it’s a cool prison. 

At dinner, Nick costs me 10 points in my fantasy league when he confesses he wants an “adventurous and raw” relationship. Sadly, this date only reaffirms that Danielle doesn’t have a serious future with Nick. I love the girl, but they have almost no chemistry. 

He repeatedly tells her how sorry he is for, you know, breaking her heart, and Danielle joins the dearly departed. Back at the house the girls are FREAKING out that Nick is sending home so many girls. Who’s next they all wonder?

The air still smells of insecurity and Secret deodorant, when, out of nowhere, Nick barges in on the girls and starts bawling his eyes out. They are surprised to see him, and even more surprised that he is there to tell them that he’s not even sure this experience will work out for him. He cries. They cry. I sip my wine. And that’s where this week ends for us. 

Ah, ABC, you cruel cruel mistress. We’ll have to wait until next week for an update on the status of Nick’s journey for love. I’ll leave you with my picks. 

My picks: Rachel (obvi), Vanessa, That’s-So-Raven, and Danielle. 

Here’s a gif of another famous Nick to get you through the next week: