What You Missed on The Bachelor: In Rachel We Trust

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

When this week’s episode starts everyone is reeling from the bomb that Nick dropped. You remember, when Nick said he wasn’t sure this show would work out for him? Well, to clarify, not everyone is reeling. A very select group of six women on a reality show are shocked that Nick might not find love. 

Most people, law of averages say, are not reeling from Nick’s declaration that he may not find love on the show. Most people probably forgot that it happened in last week’s episode and just carried on with their lives unfazed by the speed bumps on Nick’s road to true love. Or (more likely) they don’t watch The Bachelor at all. 

First on Nick’s to-do list this week is one of his classic talks with Chris Harrison. This chat is beachside, as the two men ponder Nick’s true shorts size and, of course, the forever looming question, “Will Nick find a wife?” The result? Nothing. The talk is about as productive as I am… all the time. We never do get to the bottom of Nick’s true shorts’ size. Alas, maybe next week. 

Second on Nick’s to-do list is a visit to the girls. Nick revisits the girls to calm their nerves and to remind them how tough this entire week has been for him. The girls let out collective nervous giggles when he tells them that he isn’t bailing on this love experiment. 


For a change of pace, Nick decides to leave one perfectly good island in the Caribbean for another. Perhaps a change of scenery, from one beautiful beach to a second identical beach, is what Nick needs to clear his head. “Nothing could go wrong, right?” asks Raven.


The girls arrive at the beach house in Bimini to find a date card with Vanessa’s name on it. For their date, Vanessa and Nick lounge on a boat and talk about their fears together.

Back at the house, Corinne calls Vanessa out for not being a deep person in between bites of cheese pasta that her nanny Raquel has airmailed to her. (Okay, fine. I’m taking a little creative liberty with setting the scene.)

On her date, Vanessa confesses to camera that she is head over heels for Nick. She’s basically bursting with emotions, and is likely one good conversation with Nick away from breaking into song:


While Nick and Vanessa are scuba diving, a date card arrives for the group date this week, and it reveals that Corinne, Raven and Kristina will be heading on the group date. 

Somehow still on their date, because time is non-linear in the world of The Bachelor, Vanessa tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him. Nick’s response:


It turns out, you see, that Nick has made the difficult decision to only say “I love you,” to one person this season. Strategically, it’s a smart move. But WHAT IS YOUR HEART TELLING YOU NICK??


We’re all saved the trouble of watching Vanessa’s heart break a tiny bit on national television, because it’s time for the group date!

For the group date this week, Nick and the girls go yachting. Despite the fact that I didn’t see him put on sunscreen once in six weeks of Bachelor in Paradise, throughout the date, Nick seems very concerned that the girls have proper sunscreen applied.

But, come on, ABC? Let’s make this date more dramatic. Let’s up the ante. Bring in the sharks! (I half expected Alexis to make a cameo during this shark date. Sadly, she was nowhere to be found. It’s actually a little insensitive for ABC to bring sharks into this just one week after she left. Show some respect, come on.)

“Are the sharks, toothless?” asks Corinne. Yeah, definitely, Corinne. They definitely are.


During the dinner portion of the date, Raven takes a moment alone with Nick to confess that her dad had lung cancer. As if the producers needed to add more complexity to her character. Seriously, great casting ABC. Raven is incredible.

In contrast to that conversation, Corinne complains to Nick that she hasn’t gotten a one-on-one date and for some reason I do not understand, it makes Nick like her more.


To end the night, Raven scores the group date rose and she and Nick head off for a little alone time. As soon as the door closes behind them, Corinne bursts into tears. Nick and Raven stumble upon AH-NOTHER spontaneous concert and slow dance beneath the stars. What are the odds that a band that needs national exposure just happened to be playing in Bimini at the same time they were shooting the show? Now, that’s just plain lucky.

ABC doesn’t waste any time (except for the obvious waste of time the whole show is for both viewers and all participants), so we jump to the next one-on-one date.

For their date, Danielle and Nick go biking around the island, play a little basketball (confirmed Nick should not play sports), and hang by the water. Nick and Danielle seem to be on different pages. Maybe even different books. As in, Danielle seems to really like him and Nick seems totally clueless that Danielle is the nicest person on this season by far. Call him Cher Horowitz, because he is totally… well you get the picture. Come on, Nick. 


Nick and Danielle sit down for dinner and talk a little bit more about her fiancé and about good old Wisconsin. But Nick can’t take it anymore. He decides it’s time to start challenging his relationships, and he realizes it’s time to let Danielle go. I just hope she’s next year’s Amanda on Bachelor in Paradise. Except, like, without crazy Josh tying her down.


As a totally logical reaction to Danielle’s departure, Corinne decides to sneak over to see Nick at his hotel room. Her goal being… well, you know the goal.


It’s one part bold, one part shocking and five billion parts over-compensation. Led into the lion’s den (also known as his bedroom), Nick must resist the charms of Corinne and somehow emerge with his maidenhood still in tact. 

This time, Kaitlyn isn’t in the room to smartly remove their microphones, and ABC catches all of the audio. Somehow Nick avoids a land mine, and he sends her back to her room.


For Rachel (our future Bachelorette!!!!) and Nick’s one-on-one date, they go explore some of the local spots in Bimini. Rachel prepares Nick to meet her dad, coaching him on how to behave. Give him some credit, though, Rachel. This isn’t his first time meeting a girl’s parents on national television. It isn’t even his second time. 

Rachel describes the date “as easy as the breeze that blew through the bar.” This girl is giving us well-thought-out SIMILES. WE CAN NEVER LET HER LEAVE THE FRANCHISE. 


After another candid conversation with Chris Harrison, Nick decides he needs to dump a girl before the rose ceremony. He arrives at the hotel room to dump his girlfriend and the girl he seeks out is… Kristina. He dumps her and tells her that she is great and that she deserves better, which is true. Take it away Zefron: 


Kristina’s abrupt departure leaves the girls worried and upset. What will happen next week? That’s one secret I’ll never tell. Jk, I don’t know. (Except that all four of them will go to hometowns, and Vanessa will win the show. At least that’s my theory.)

I’ll leave you with my picks this week.

My Picks: Vanessa and That’s-So Raven. And Rachel still. Because she’s freaking awesome. 

Forget famous Nicks, I’m gonna leave you with a gif of Rachel. She will return this franchise to it’s former glory.



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