What You Missed on The Bachelor: Hasta La Cheese Pasta

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

When we left Nick last, ABC had just manufactured a meet-up with everyone’s favorite of his ex-girlfriends. No, no, it wasn’t Kaitlyn. It was Andi. Remember Andi? 

If you’re wondering why Andi’s there, you are not alone. Me, Nick, most of Bachelor Nation, and possibly even Andi herself, are with you. It basically makes no sense for her to be there.

Elsewhere on the property the contestants rendezvous for a rose ceremony and patiently wait for ABC to finish bolstering their ratings by drudging up old shit no one cares about.

So it turns out Andi has shown up out of nowhere because she wants to “see how you are,” Nick. What a coincidence that you would want to check in with him when the cameras are there, Andi. 

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And, because we aren’t uncomfortable enough by this encounter, Andi gives Nick some sex-advice. They part on good terms, but I will never get those ten minutes of my life back.

It’s time for Nick to rescue three of the girls from the freezing New York City winter and send one of them packing. Let’s sum this up: 

Nick Really Wants to Sleep With You’s: Raven, Rachel and Vanessa.

Hasta-La-Cheese-Pasta: Corinne.

It’s mildly heartbreaking when, while Nick walks her out, Corinne begins apologizing for him breaking up with her. I’ve never liked or felt for Corinne more than I do in this moment, so I need her to leave ASAP. Emotionally, I need her to stay in her lane. We’ll see you in Paradise, Corinne. 

Corinne goes on a little feminist rant about how exhausted she is of having to say what she thinks a man needs/wants to hear. And then she falls asleep in the back of the limo. I’ve said a lot of things about Corinne, but, she will be missed. 

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But it’s time for the fantasy suites. In a brief commercial for Finnair, Nick and the girls fly to their final destination on the show, Finland. 

First on the list, Raven’s sky-high date with Nick. They helicopter around Finland and see the sights before heading to a Finnish pub and playing darts. They talk about her hometown date for a little while, and then finally start to discuss their real issues: ironing vs. steaming. (For the record, I’m Team Steam, y’all.)

On the date, ABC sets Raven up to reveal a big piece of information that night. But, before we even have a moment to guess what Raven’s going to reveal to Nick, he shows up in Drake’s turtleneck from the Hotline Bling music video. Mitch, can you help me out with this one? 

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Apparently unfazed by Nick’s turtleneck, Raven seamlessly transitions from talking about darts to discussing her ex-boyfriend to confessing her love for Nick. Nick responds by forking over the fantasy suite date card, which Raven accepts. But before they can get down to business, Raven needs to tell Nick that she’s never orgasmed before. 

Now, guys, I’m fighting the urge to make SO many Finnish/finish puns. But, for the moment, I’ll side step that conversation. You can expect better-developed, more sophisticated jokes next week. 

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And as the night ends, and Nick and Raven cuddle up in bed beneath the Northern lights, we are all left wondering what will happen in Raven’s fantasy suite.

Because we’re already laughing due to the uncomfortableness of the first fantasy suite date, ABC ends the episode with a montage of Nick doing fitness training in the Finnish wilderness. Okay. 

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Note: I’m sorry these recaps have been few and far between these days, guys. The real world has been taking up a little too much of my time lately.

As always, I’ll leave you with my pick for who I think Nick will give his final rose to in two weeks, and then break up with mid-way through his season of Dancing With The Stars.

My Pick: Vanessa. She’ll win, we know it. But can Nick and Vanessa make the distance work? Long-distance relationships make communicating very difficult, especially considering we can barely understand what Nick’s saying when he’s right in front of us.

*mumble mumble* Andi and Kaitlyn. *mumble mumble* I’m scared this won’t work for me. *mumble*

Here’s another Nick gif to get you through the next few days. I’ll see you soon. 

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