What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelor: When Pigs Swim?

humor, the bachelor, Uncategorized

Where did we leave off? Oh yes, I remember.

Ben has pulled Olivia off to the side but a question still lingers in the air: Will he take the rose away from her? 

Olivia talks to Ben about her sticky situation with the girls, and tells him that the rest of the girls are just jealous of how early her relationship with Ben developed. She says that she isn’t connecting with the rest of the girls because they all like painting their nails and she just likes “reading alone in my room” and “thinking.” Okay, Olivia, Okay. I’ve been watching, you’re not that smart. You do sound a little antisocial though. Also, Essie has like hundreds of nail colors, what do you have against painting your nails? 

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Ben walks away from the conversation totally buying what Olivia was selling. But when Ben and Olivia return to the group all of the girls are silent. Olivia and the girls sit down on the tension-filled couch and Ben decides it’s finally time for the rose ceremony. If we are all being honest, there was no way he was ever going to take her rose away from her. He’s just too nice of a guy. 

But it’s time for the rose ceremony I’ve been waiting two episodes for. Here’s the gist: 

Winners: Becca, Emily (the twin), Lauren B., JoJo and Leah (whattttt???). 

Losers: Jennifer (the small business owner!?!?!?!) 

R.I.P. Jennifer. You’ll be missed. But never fear, the girls are all headed to the Bahamas. By the end of this trip I fully expect them to have uncovered an illegal smuggling ring and to have fallen in love with a cute scuba instructor who works at their hotel. (Okay, maybe it’s unreasonable for me to expect their trip to follow exactly the plot of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s Holiday in the Sun but what can I say, I’m hopeful.) 

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At the beautiful bungalow they are staying at Chris Harrison arrives to tell the girls that this week there will be a group date, a one-on-one and a two-on-one date. The one-on-one date goes to Caila, the sex panther (once again, Ben’s words not mine). Leah is pretty pissed about Caila getting this date because she hasn’t had any one-on-one time with Ben so far and this is Caila’s SECOND one-on-one. 

For their date, Caila and Ben arrive at a boat where they will be sailing and fishing all day. Somewhere else on the island, Leah is crying in a bathroom still upset about not getting the one-on-one. The producers do an excellent job with this next few scenes, cutting between Ben and Caila leaping off the boat, and Leah telling the cameras that she is upset that Ben won’t take a leap with her. (I totally got the symbolism.)

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Ben wants to get to know the Caila “behind the smiles,” so they sit down to get dinner. Ben confesses to Caila that he is looking for “a girl to come back and cry” with him when he is upset. Caila tells Ben that she doesn’t know why she can’t share her feelings with him but that she knows she “loves him.” The conversation gets weird and she starts to make it seem like she might leave the show soon.

Back at the house, the group date card goes to JoJo, Leah, Amanda, Lauren B., Lauren H. and Becca. This means the two-on-one date, where inevitably one girl will go home, will be with Emily and Olivia. Boom. At dinner, Caila is trying to convince Ben that she is really here to stay, and she tells him that she feels understood and happy around him. 

Ben: “It’s almost attractive that Caila can be confusing.” 

Throughout this conversation, Ben is dividing 232 by 13. 

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Ben decides to give Caila the rose and they make out a little bit by the pool before the date ends. 

For the group date, the girls and Ben travel by boat to a private island where pigs swim. I fact-checked this one guys, this is a real place in the Bahamas. Ben gives the girls hotdogs that they get to feed the swimming pigs, but tbh these pigs seem kind of dangerous. If I were these girls I would be a little worried. Some of the girls are more graceful than others around these pigs. Major props goes to JoJo for passing 9th-grade English with the perfect simile of, “it’s like a bar in Dallas with all these pigs here.” 

The pigs chill out a little bit, long enough for the girls to get some one-on-one time with Ben. Things start to get a little awkward between them all. You know? Because there are six girls on a date with one guy. 

In a talking head, Ben pleas to the producers: “How do you date this many girls you have feelings for and keep everybody happy? Does anyone know?”

Sadly, there are no producers around to answer his question, and Ben can’t hear me yelling advice at him through the TV. 

In a one-on-one conversation, Leah attempts to talk with Ben about their relationship and how she doesn’t really feel like he is giving her an opportunity to get to know him. He tries to make her feel better about it but she walks away just as upset as ever. Hurricane Leah is brewing off the coast of the Bahamas and it’s only a matter of time before it hits land.

Later on the group date they all sit around and have drinks and Ben takes this opportunity to pull each girl aside separately in order to make them all feel better after this catastro-date. Leah takes this individual time with Ben to call out Lauren B. for not being real with Ben. In a skilled attempt to achieve maximum awkwardness, the producers arrange for Lauren B. to come over to talk to Ben right at this moment. In the background the storm rages and lightning strikes. 

Ben tells Lauren that someone else was talking about her and she gets real emotional. When Lauren B. eventually gets back to the girls and brings it up to them, Leah flat out denies that she said anything to him. She also says that she is not “the type of person to bring up other people to him.” Okay, Leah. Shut up. You cross my girl Lauren B., you are dead to me. 

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Ben talks a little bit to the other girls, and when it’s time to give the group-date rose to a girl Ben gives it to Amanda, single-mom. 

After the group date the girls all head back to the house and the girls get to the bottom of who talked shit about Lauren. Come on girls, obviously it was Leah. “Where’s Leah?” The girls all ask. Elsewhere in the house Leah gets ready to go over to Ben’s bungalow to talk MORE sh*t about Lauren. Leah, go home.

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Leah arrives at Ben’s suite, gets a GIANT glass of red wine and immediately starts sh*t-talking Lauren. This is a very teenage girl move, Leah. Sitting around drinking wine and sh*t-talking other girls? Leah, you are setting the feminist movement back decades. (I’m not really one to talk though.) 

Luckily, Ben sees through this conversation with Leah and tells her that something is missing in their relationship. She doesn’t see this problem in their relationship, but ultimately Ben ends up telling her it’s time to say goodbye. These girls are dropping like flies. Leah walks out of the house and out of our lives in a really cute top. (Side note: Can someone start a fashion blog tracking their outfits? I would love to know where she got that shirt from.)

More drama awaits now that it is finally time for the two-on-one date. Seriously, two-on-one dates are the worst thing to come out of ABC since The Secret Life of the American TeenagerThese dates are painful to watch and the only good news is that after today one girl will definitely be going home. Americans nationwide are saying prayers that it is Olivia. Send that girl back to her cable-access news show, Ben! 

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Olivia uses one-on-one time to talk about how strong she is as a person. Olivia, I’m a little confused. Are you insecure or strong? This conversation is a roller coaster ride. Olivia: “Deep intellectual things are my jam.” Wow, Olivia. That was really eloquent. To top it off, Olivia confesses her love to him. Oh boy. I’m done. 

Emily and Ben have a conversation where she tells him that she is on a journey of growth and that she wants Ben to be along for the ride. When Ben decides it’s time to give the rose away he asks Olivia to go for a walk. He walks her down the beach and tells her that he does not reciprocate her feelings. Ben sends her home and decides to give Emily the rose. In the background a chorus of gospel singers start singing praises to Ben. (Or at least they do in my head.) 

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Ben and Emily leave and Olivia is left alone on the island. Luckily after the commercial break, ABC finally gives us what we’ve been asking for: a dramatic shot of Ben standing on a cliff with one leg forward. 

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The girls gather for a cocktail party and Becca says, “It’s almost like the weather has predicted this whole week.” Way-to-go meteorologist Becca. After the girls gather, Chris Harrison comes in to tell them that Ben has decided to cancel the cocktail party and just have a rose ceremony. DRAMA. 

The rose ceremony goes as follows. 

Rose-y O’Donnels: JoJo, Becca, and Lauren B. 

Better Luck Next Time: Lauren H. (the kindergarden teacher with the heart of gold)

As a last note, I am dying after watching that trailer for the rest of the season. I don’t know how to feel. While I compile my thoughts let me leave you with my pics. 

My pics: Lauren B. (was that her voice on the phone???), JoJo and Caila.

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