What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelor: I’m Insecure About My Toes

humor, the bachelor, Uncategorized

The show opens on Chris Harrison arriving at the house to talk the girls through the past two weeks. You can always count on Chris Harrison to come out of hiding just in time to give horrible advice. He arrives with the date card and the first individual date goes to Lauren B., the flight attendant. In a clever (or not so clever) clue on her date card, it says “the sky is the limit.” Wow these producers are so smart.

Ben and Lauren B. cruise down the highway in a convertible. This date involves them flying in a two person plane, but, plot twist Lauren B. is too scared to fly with him. Now, I get the whole “I’m afraid, would you hold my hand,” strategy to winning a guy over, but this is enough. You are a flight attendant. You literally fly for a living. It’s your job. And not in a Haley-and-Emily-are-professional-twins kind of way. You are actually paid to fly in the air. 

As they fly across the Bachelor Mansion, the girls all are in awe of this great date. In a corner, Olivia bitches about having to see her man out with other girls. But, hello? THAT IS HOW THE SHOW WORKS. You signed up for it.

Off of the plane, Ben gives a piggy back ride to 45-pound Lauren and they go to a hot tub in the middle of nowhere. Lauren and Ben change into bathing suits (behind a tree?) and Lauren confesses to Ben that she’s always wanted her pilot’s license. Excuse me, YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE SCARED OF FLYING. 

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Back at the house, Caila is crying because you know, “how can you trust someone who’s in a relationship with other girls?” OMG.

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Shut up Caila, this is season 20. You should have realized that it would be like that. Back on the date, Lauren B. confesses that she has a really strong family ties. Ben admits that his dad has heart problems and Lauren blurts out that she wants to meet his family. 

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Ben overlooks that weird comment and gives her the rose. Ben also somehow manages to pull together another surprise concert, this time for Lauren B. They dance slowly and I swoon. 

The group date this episode is at a giant soccer stadium where Ben brings out, you guessed it, DAVID BECKHAM. No, I’m only kidding, it’s actually better than that. He brings out Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara (two girls from the U.S. National Team) to teach the girls how to play soccer. Cut to the girls all practicing soccer on the field attempting to chest the ball and hurting their boobs. Honestly, there is a Lululemon commercial in there if you re-edit this scene. 

Chris Harrison walks out onto the field (two appearances in one episode, what’s going on Chris?) to split up the girls into two soccer teams. Olivia tells the camera that she is going to have to be aggressive in order to win the game. Wow what a change of pace, Olivia. I’m so glad you are going to start being aggressive now

Ben: “The women are playing so aggressively, I don’t know if the game is ever going to end.”

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Eventually Olivia’s team wins and gets more time later in the night. The rest of the girls go home.

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At another cocktail party, Olivia steals Ben and brings him back to his room. The girls start shitting on Olivia (for her ugly toes, I think? Honestly I wasn’t really sure what it was all about). Eventually Olivia hears about the shittalking and she remarks that she also hates her toes. Can we start talking about things that matter, girls?

Jubilee gets the second one-on-one date with a cryptic clue “love is in the air.” Just based off of that, their date is probably a trip to go pick out an air conditioning unit.  Back at the cocktail party, Amber makes a move on Ben. Amber walks away from the cocktail party with the group date rose, which of course sends Olivia down a spiral. But no one worry, she is confident that “we are meant to be.” 

The next day Jubilee is being a little mean when Ben comes to get her for their date. Because you should definitely be mean to the guy that you are trying to make fall in love with you. That’s a good idea, Jubilee. 

Ben and Jubilee head to a health center where they eat caviar together and Jubilee throws up a little bit. Then they play shuffleboard and swim around in a pool. When Jubilee calls him a white boy, he laughs and she proceeds to tell him how much it meant to her that he laughed at her joke. She gets a little tongue-tied and I can’t watch anymore. (I actually put my head in my hands and then immediately went to pour a glass of wine. Embarrassing moments on television stress me out.) 

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It’s okay though, she rallies and they make out in the pool. They sit to have dinner and she tells him that she has a lot of layers. 

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Ben and Jubilee talk about her past as an orphan from Haiti. She starts to cry and I’m getting a little emotional too. Ben gives her the rose, but that date was a roller coaster ride and honestly I don’t exactly know how to feel. But Ben eats it all up and says that he could see himself “falling in love with Jubilee.” 

Finally it’s time for the cocktail party. Ben opens up that a few of his friends have died in a plane crash the night before and Olivia steals him away in order to tell him about her insecurities about her toes. Because that is definitely the best topic of discussion for this moment in time. Good one, Olivia. Way to make it all about you. 

Jubilee whisks Ben away to give him a massage as the girls all look on from above. After a 30 minute massage, Jami goes over and interrupts them. The night really falls apart from there. Some of the girls try to confront Jubilee, Jubilee freaks out, and Jubilee runs away and cries upstairs. Ben comforts her and eventually returns to the group. Without even letting him take a breath, Lace steals him away to talk to him. Seriously, give this guy a break, girls. 

Lace starts crying about how her experience has been really difficult and she decides she needs to go home. 

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Good riddance, Lace. Finally they do the rose ceremony, and here are the highlights: 

Moving on: Amanda, the single mom, Becca, Caila, JoJo, and ugly-toes Olivia. 

Bye Felicias: Jami and the Russian judge. 

Next week they travel to Vegas, so you can bet that things will get more dramatic. For now, here are my pics.

My pics: Lauren B., JoJo, and Amanda, single mom. 

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