There was a lot of reality television on last night, wasn’t there? But, relax. I’ll stick to what I know: The Bachelorette. 

It’s hometown week. Come on, y’all. This week’s episode has to be a good one. (FYI, I’ll be adding the “y’all” periodically as I see fit during these hometown dates. We’re going to Texas, after all.) 

The first hometown date of the episode is Chase. This is the portion of the episode I’ll refer to as:  “The right relationship is everything.” For Chase’s hometown date, he brought JoJo to some random mountain in Colorado. I have to say that at first, it was a little unclear if he lived on the mountain or if there was a house somewhere for them to go. While sitting on the mountain, Chase confesses to JoJo that his parents are divorced and that the divorce was about as messy as one of JoJo’s top knots. More on this later.

Thankfully for us, the two of them decide to vacate the mountain and go explore his town and his home. Yes, he has a real home. 

The first person on deck for JoJo to meet is Chase’s dad. Chase has a little mini-therapy session on the couch with his dad and JoJo, and they talk about the problems in his parents’ marriage. But didn’t we all see something like this coming? You can’t even go on this show if you don’t have some sort of emotional trauma. There had to be something. Chase gets a one-on-one with his dad, during which his dad gives him some advice to take with him in the coming weeks on the show. Next, Chase and JoJo head over to meet the rest of his family– his mom, his brother in-law, his sister, his step dad, and his adorable nephew (I’m starting a campaign for Chase’s nephew as the next Bachelor).

At dinner with the family, Chase and JoJo do a fair amount of canoodling which, if you ask me, is semi-inappropriate for a family dinner (no one asked me). It’s not too long before JoJo has a conversation with Chase’s mom about- you guessed it- his poor communication skills. Did you guess it? I can’t tell. I’m alone in a room right now.

Despite aforementioned poor communication skills, Chase explains pretty well to his sister what he wants out of this experience. (Spoiler, he wants a wife.) His conversation with his mom goes equally well, and he tells her that he is DEFINITELY ready for JoJo to fill the next chapter of his life. Clunky phrasing, but we’ll give it to him. It’s pretty cute. Both of them start crying, and at this point I’m on Team Chase hard core. He’s hella genuine and on my fantasy team. That’s what basic girls, like myself, call a win-win. 

But it’s time for the second hometown date, starring Jordan (aka that annoying guy whose jeans are tighter than the Jonas Brothers’ circa 2009).

Shocker: The first person Jordan introduces JoJo to is his JV football coach. Did you know that Jordan played football? It’s a little-known fact about him that’s not talked about that often. Still in his high school, JoJo and Jordan make out in the library- how cliche, amiright Peyton and Lucas?

Apparently Jordan didn’t have a high school sweetheart way back when, which is a little hard to believe up until Jordan shows JoJo photos of himself from high school. After we see the photos, I have no problem believing it. Jordan and JoJo finally leave the library and walk out onto the football field, and double shocker, there’s a football sitting out there waiting for them. JoJo asks Jordan if she’s allowed to bring up Aaron in conversation at dinner with his family and he says hard pass- further denying JoJo any chance to meet Olivia Munn.

(For the record, I’m clearly more upset that JoJo’s not meeting Olivia Munn than she is.) 

JoJo is super freaked out to meet his family (don’t believe her? Feel her heartbeat *cough*cough* her chest, Jordan), and it shows as she walks into their NFL-money house. JoJo tries to ask Jordan’s other brother about why Aaron isn’t there, but he dodges it with the skill and accuracy of Justin Long at the beginning of Dodgeball. 

JoJo chats it up with the dad and comes to the conclusion, “Jordan is NOBODY’S brother.” Public birth records directly contradict this. Post-dinner, Jordan confesses his love to her again and, at this point, JoJo looks like a goner. She is so head over heels, she should be staring in a 2001 romantic comedy with an undercover FBI-agent, portrayed by Freddie Prinze Jr. (Do you guys remember that movie? Classic.) 

But everyone, relax. We have two more dates (with two considerably nicer guys) to go. Part 3 of this episode: Robby. Robby is from Florida, and for his date he pulls out all of the stops. I’m talking a full horse and carriage. They sit by the water and talk about the girl who he dumped to get on the show- do you remember his ex? Robby confirms that “that relationship is definitely a part of my past.” Okay, I believe you. 

Robby brings JoJo over to meet his family and almost immediately has a conversation with his brothers. The brothers express how much they like her, which begs the question: “Do you guys like her more or less than the girl who was sitting at your dinner table three months ago?” JoJo talks with his mom and his mom tells her exactly what she wants to hear. You know the gist? He’s amazing, and he’s in love with her, and he would do anything for her. 

When Robby gets to talk to his mom, she gives him the low-down about what’s been in the news lately. Apparently there is a rumor that Robby dumped his girlfriend to go on the show. He finds this completely outrageous, but I took a math class or two in my day. So let’s take a look at this: they do casting in January for The Bachelorette; he broke up with her three months before they shot this episode; the season films mostly in April. This may be the most math I’ve done since my painful Statistics lecture two years ago, but I’m fairly certain that it doesn’t add up. 

Robby tries to clear up the spotty electoral math- and confirms that the two broke up at the end of December (casting is the beginning of January). If it isn’t crazily apparent by my tone-of-voice in this post, I am over this storyline. We may never know if he is really on the show, say it with me: “FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.” Yawn. Where’s Luke? 

The date ends in the pouring rain- and JoJo assures Robby that she is going to try and look past all of this. But, if you need further confirmation that a bad hometown date usually spells disaster you can call up JoJo’s terrifying older brothers. 

(I wouldn’t though.) 

Praise Texas, we’re finally to Luke’s date. Luke welcomes JoJo back to Texas and it appears that he has gathered a TON of friends for JoJo to meet. To be clear, he has more friends at the party he organizes for her than I have in life. But let’s not get off track. JoJo gets along super well with his friends and clinches it when she scores three points at Cornhole. I know a lot of guys who would list Cornhole skills as a prerequisite for their ideal woman, so you can check that off your list, JoJo.

Luke and his dad talk about the moment his dad knew his mom was the one. The whole date is something out of a Nicholas Sparks’ movie, y’all. Actually, can anyone confirm that Luke didn’t star in The Longest Ride? 

Luke and JoJo finish the day sitting on a bale of hay in front of a gorgeous sunset, which only further convinces me that Nicholas Sparks had a hand in the making of this date. They walk through candle light to a set of rose petals placed in the grass in the shape of a heart, y’all. And on cue, Luke tells her that he is all in. His heart is hers, y’all. JoJo drives off into the sunset  -literally- and it is time for a rose ceremony, y’all. (Too many y’alls?)

For some unclear reason, the rose ceremony is at an airplane hanger tonight. What is clear is that each of the boys is head over heels for her. JoJo admits to camera that she has to say goodbye to Luke tonight, and girls across the nation jump up and down with newfound hope that he might be back on the market. JoJo on the other hand is totally screwed. I mean, Robby, Jordan and Chase over LUKE. But, in the nick of time (sort of), Luke pulls JoJo over to tell her that he is in love with her. Of course, this sends her into a crying spiral as she runs out onto the airplane hanger. And that’s where ABC comes in with the classic: 

TO BE CONTINUED. 

Despite the lack of closure with this episode, I’ll leave you with my picks.

My picks: Chase and Luke are the only ones I like. That being said, JoJo has HORRIBLE taste, and I think they are the next two to go. 

This was a rough week, but to get you through to next week’s two part episode, I’ll put a solid JoJo GIF that totally expresses how I feel right now: