Just based off where last week’s episode ended and where this one begins, it seems to me that JoJo has been out there on that tarmac crying for this past week without stop. For those of you who missed last week’s episode, it ended with JoJo running off onto the airplane hangar they were on and crying into the darkness.

For the past week, the rest of America has been sitting on the edge of their seats begging for an answer to this question: Is she going to send Luke home? That was the teaser to the end of last week’s episode. For those of you who missed it, JoJo was about to dump Luke when he pulled her aside to tell her he loves her. JoJo, I can relate. The last time just as I was about to dump a hot veteran who was in love with me (and was basically a male protagonist in a Nicholas Sparks’ novel), he told me he loved me too. It’s rough, but I made it through and so will you. 

For all of you who have been on the literal edge of your seat since last week’s episode, I invite you to scoot back. She sends Luke home. The tears she shed elsewhere on the tarmac haven’t even dried yet when she says goodbye to this nation’s greatest hero. (Well, maybe. I don’t know all of the nation’s heroes, so it’s hard to judge.) The takeaway from this all: LUKE’S AVAILABLE.  

Luke takes this breakup as hard as we all do. America lets out a collective sigh and tears roll down our faces. Luke admits to camera that he was ready to propose to JoJo that very night, but says, and I’m quoting, that it was all “too little too late.” 

Luckily, given the fact that they are at the airplane hangear, they can all board the planes and head to THAILAND. Luke’s car hasn’t even left the airport and the rest of the boys and JoJo are audi.

It’s overnight dates, y’all. (I guess I should abstain from all “y’alls” in memory of our fallen Texan.)

For JoJo’s date with Robby, the sky opens and rain pours down harder than JoJo’s tears back at that airplane hangar. Due to some stroke of genius from the producers of this show, Robby and JoJo get pedicures to start off their overnight date and, surprise, surprise, talk more about their feelings. But really, all they do is talk about their feelings. When do they have time to discuss what’s important, like their favorite TV shows? (I get the sense that Robby probably watches a lot of ESPN Classics, while JoJo is more of a Scandal girl.)

At dinner, Robby produces a note that his father gave him last week when they were in his hometown. His father gave him a note which basically said, “Don’t let the haters get you down.” My friends and I are fairly certain, despite having no evidence to back it up, that he manufactured the note himself. JoJo eats it all up, and they retire to the fantasy suite. Robby puts the “privacy please,” sign on the door, which is ABC‘s cue to cut away from the show and play a commercial of Bachelor in Paradise (who’s excited for that, amiright?). 

After breakfast in bed with Robby, JoJo runs to the beach because she is late to meet Jordan. For their overnight date, JoJo and Jordan go hiking in Thailand (refer to this blog post to see my feelings on hiking) and end up near a temple. Out of respect of this temple, JoJo isn’t allowed to kiss Jordan and has to put a t-shirt on over her sports bra. She complains about having to take a 3o minute break from kissing Jordan, but JoJo… adulthood is about making sacrifices. If you can make it through this, you guys can make it through anything. JoJo and Jordan talk a little bit about her family and it’s unclear whether or not they ever even get to the temple. 

Special thanks to my fact-checker, Sammy Blank, who made this wonderful observation about JoJo’s voiceover after the temple:

Jordan and JoJo talk about what their future would look like, and Jordan (who coincidentally is in the same life place as I am) is unemployed and thus very willing to move to wherever JoJo wants to be. If anyone from ABC is reading this, I am also willing to relocate to be on this show. Just saying. 

Jordan spins his magic web of lies (sorry I’m very biased about him), and once again JoJo totally buys everything he’s selling. JoJo offers Jordan the key to the fantasy suite, to which he replies: “Okay, fine.” JoJo, how can you say no to that kind of enthusiasm?  

JoJo makes the spot-on observation the next morning that this is their “first breakfast together.” But as my friend and life-guru Erin so smartly pointed out, “JoJo should really be like, ‘Jordan, you should try the bacon, it was great yesterday morning.'” 

After a walk on the beach, it’s time for a date with Chase. For Chase’s date with JoJo, he rides up on a moped, takes his sunglasses off and says, “Heyyyy, Heyyyy.” I swoon. For their date, Chase and JoJo go shopping for fish and go for a boat ride before lounging on the beach. They toast to their journey with PBR’s on the beach before they go for a romantic swim. This whole date only makes me like Chase more. 

Later, Chase makes sandcastles in the sand while JoJo stands staring out into the distance from her balcony. A knock on her door of her room interrupts JoJo’s deep thought, and it’s Robby. He explains that he misses her and wants to talk to her about “country clubs and coloring books.” In other news, they are the whitest couple in America (although, who am I to talk?). For her part, JoJo seems happy to see him. 

At dinner later with JoJo, Chase basically writes a poem for her entitled, “That’s what love is.” He speaks beautifully about their relationship, how happy he is, and what he sees for them in the future. JoJo offers Chase the fantasy suite, and he almost immediately professes his love for her. In the meanest prank I’ve ever seen, JoJo says “PSYCHHHH,” and Ashton Kutcher pops out of nearby bushes. Did I mention that tonight’s episode was a crossover with Punk’d? 

(P.S. Remember Howie Mandel?) 

Only joking, there’s no crossover event. JoJo exits the conversation quickly to go “do some thinking,” and when she returns she tells him that she is not in the same place as he is. I.e. He loves her, and she does not love him. JoJo rips the fantasy suite card out of Chase’s hand and then spits in his face. Metaphorically, of course. 

Understandably, Chase does not take the breakup very well because he basically never puts himself out there and she dumped him almost immediately after he told her he loved her. All JoJo can say in response is that she “wanted to fall in love” with him. 

To soften the blow (I guess?), JoJo keeps telling him that he is everything that she ever wanted in a guy; but once again there is really no walking this back. JoJo, it’s just too little too late. Just like every guy who’s left this show, Chase comforts her as she breaks his heart. He tries to walk away from her but she follows him in order to shove the knife further into his chest. (Sorry if that’s a little graphic, I’ve been binge-watching a little too much Criminal Minds lately and for the past 22 years.) 

Chase: 

But it’s time for a rose ceremony, and this should finally be a drama-free ceremony, since Chase has already left. Or has he?

JoJo breaks the news to the guys that she sent Chase home and the guys collectively sigh relief. She says that Chase was angry, and upset… and apparently about to walk in to the ceremony. The boys get whiplash turning around to look because, out of the wings, Chase has arrived. Chase has just crashed the rose ceremony, risen from “the dead,” as Robby so lovingly put it. As my life-guru, Erin, pointed out: “His flight was probably just delayed.”  

My only question is, if Chase is back, can Luke come back too? 

Chase confesses to JoJo that his heart is still hers, and if anything ever changes she should call him. If he’s smart, he would just wait six more months to hear about JoJo’s breakup with whomever she chooses. He leaves, and will probably be pining for her for the foreseeable future. Such a tease, JoJo. Whatever, I’m over it. (Read: not over it.) 

Bro’s-before-Roses: Robby and Jordan. 

Goodbye My Lover, Goodbye My Friend: Chase.  

Now that my fantasy team is dead and my favorites have been sent home, what is the point of watching this show? Better question is: what ever was the point of watching this show? 

Who do I think will win, you ask? (Maybe you didn’t ask, hard to tell.) Ugh I don’t like either of them. I hope you enjoy a bronzer-filled relationship with one of these guys, JoJo. Until next week. 

Here’s more of the only JoJo I’m currently a fan of: