What You Missed on the “Emotional” Season Finale of The Bachelorette: Oh No, JoJo. (Unfortunate Rhyme)

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

It’s the finale finally. Are you all ready to find out the winner of The Bachelorette (aka JoJo’s future ex-boyfriend)? Let’s do this. 

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For the finale, JoJo is introducing the boys to her family. Ah, the return of the horrible brothers. Is it just me or would that make for a pretty amazing title of a horror movie? 

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First boy up: Jordan. 

Jordan arrives at the hotel to see her family with gifts to “embarrass” the family. He basically brings embarrassing hats for everyone to wear with little context as to why. JoJo’s mother, who may or may not (she definitely has) had many plastic surgeries, is the first one up to talk to Jordan, and she makes him pinky-promise that he won’t hurt JoJo. After Jordan’s done, JoJo’s mom pulls her aside to talk and they both ask the question, “Who doesn’t like Jordan?”

Answer: 80% of America and the entire fan base behind The Green Bay Packers

Jordan talks with her dad too, but never asks whether or not her dad will trade her (like property) to Jordan in exchange for a dowry. I’m only joking, there’s no dowry, but Jordan doesn’t get up the nerve to ask her dad for his blessing. Let me see if I can put this in football terms (gag): this is like a quarterback playing three amazing quarters of a game, and then throwing an interception in the last fifteen seconds, 10 yards from the end zone. Basically, YOU THREW THE GAME, Jordan. 

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It’s time for Robby to step up to bat now. Forgive me for mixing sports metaphors, I’m doing my best. The first question JoJo’s family asked Robby is, “What do you love about JoJo?” Answer: She’s smart and intelligent… (Two words that mean the exact same thing.)

Robby confesses to JoJo’s family that he told JoJo he loved her weeks ago in Uruguay. You remember that moment when he said he loved her, weeks before everyone else? You might also remember it as the moment that you made this face:

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But you can’t expect the brothers to stay silent for the whole episode. The aggressive brothers chime in with a wise piece of advice for JoJo: You’re not picking someone to be your New Year’s Eve date. Wait, is this show not a show about finding the perfect New Year’s Eve date? What have I been watching for weeks? 

Robby pulls JoJo’s parents aside to get their blessing (see how it’s done Jordan?), and they whole-heartedly give it to him. JoJo and her dad talk. Read: JoJo talks and her father cries. He makes it clear that he is ready to pass ownership of her over to another man. If you think about it, it’s sweet really. 

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JoJo reconvenes with her parents and her evil step brothers, and finds out that Jordan didn’t ask her family for their permission. Woah, truth bomb. Softly, in the background, I can hear a sports announcer yell: INTERCEPTIONNNNNNN. 

This whole conversation brings JoJo to tears as she tries to explain to them that she loves both guys. Here’s what the family dates boil down to: The parents are pro-Robby, the brothers are pro-JoJo, and the sister is silent. Is anyone pro-Jordan? Hard to say. 

Before she can make her final choice, JoJo has one last day with each guy– first Robby then Jordan. For their date, Robby and JoJo go to the beach and make out underneath the water. Props for not drowning, guys. Good for you. 

Later Robby and JoJo sit on the beach and discuss their future. Here’s what it looks like: They’ll have kids, and a dog, and burned meatloaf at dinner time. Isn’t that every girl’s dream? Robby gains points for being a dog person, but loses them for not being able to time cook meatloaf correctly. Their date ends with Robby confessing his love and JoJo telling him how much she trusts him. Snooze. 

It’s time for Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2: Jordan.

For their final date Jordan and JoJo board a ship and sail away. While I wish that they would disappear into that green horizon that Will Turner and The Dutchman disappear to at the end of Pirates of The Caribbean: At World’s End, they just end up in a kayak together. JoJo spends the afternoon asking passive aggressive questions trying to get Jordan to admit that he didn’t ask for her father’s permission. 

In response, Jordan gives JoJo tons of reasons why he didn’t ask her father for permission. He didn’t want to do it without knowing what her answer would be, he didn’t want to do it without them having met Robby. But let’s look at this objectively. If Jordan’s going to be a good husband, he should probably get used to apologizing for things that he’s not really sorry about. Amiright, dad? (My dad would respond, but he hasn’t figured out how to use the internet for non-business related matters yet.)  

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Later in the night, JoJo tells Jordan how unsure and scared she is about him. How is she supposed to know if her dad is willing to trade her like property if you didn’t even ask him, Jordan? Gosh, man. It’s not that difficult to figure this one out. Jordan tries to make amends but it’s unclear whether or not JoJo is falling for it. This begs the question that the epic poet JoJo sang, say it with me, is it just too little too late

Just when you start to get bored out of your mind by this season’s “drama,” Neil Lane comes to the rescue! Robby is first up to the plate and picks an exquisite cushion-cut center diamond surrounded by tapered baguettes with diamonds on the band. (Not at all embarrassed that I knew this off the top of my head.) It’s beautiful and huge, and probably the kind of thing that would make JoJo super vulnerable to street robbers in the future. 

Before he meets with the greatest Neil in the world (sorry NPH and NDT), Jordan takes a moment to phone up JoJo’s parents and ask for their permission. They say yes, because there is no other way to respond to a phone call out of the blue, and Neil Lane once again arrives at the scene to save the day. Jordan picks out a slightly more understated ring than Robby’s ring. Well, as understated as tens of thousands of dollars worth of diamonds ever could be. 

To seal the deal, each boy writes a passionate letter to JoJo explaining how much they love her and how they want to spend the rest of their lives with her. She cries to the camera and wipes her tears with the loser’s letter. (I’m just kidding, it’s a Kleenex.) If only Neil Lane were there to make her feel better. 

And finally we are here. It’s time for the final rose ceremony.

Now for those of you who don’t watch the show, let me try and make a comparison to explain what it means if you are the first guy out of the limo for the final rose ceremony. Stepping out of the limo first is as bad a sign about the future as a sitcom getting moved to Friday nights. Basically, it’s the beginning of the end. This season, Robby is the first one out of the limo.

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JoJo says goodbye to Robby, tearful as that day she ran out on the airport Tarmac. She cries and tells him how much she loves him. It’s tortuous to watch, and I can hear the sound of hearts breaking across the nation. Real talk: Robby should’ve known that he wasn’t the one– he arrived at the beach a half hour too early for the sunset. ABC will always arrange for the proposal to happen during the sunset.

JoJo: 

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I can hear the divorce/annulment/breakup bells ringing now. JoJo is SO screwed. This may be the worst mistake a JoJo has made since the film RV. Once again, as JoJo breaks a guy’s heart the guy comforts her and wishes her the best. In the wise words of my mom: “She deserves Jordan Rodgers.” After saying leave (get out) to Robby, JoJo wanders toward the ocean and like The Awakening she swims out into the abyss and is never heard from again. Just kidding, she looks out at the water thoughtfully and waits for Jordan to arrive. 

He eventually does arrive and, after a shaky speech where he tells her “I love you,” so many times that it starts to sound disingenuous, Jordan proposes to JoJo and she says yes. As for me, I’m still waiting for them to run into the ocean and disappear forever. Alas, like Robby, Chase, Luke and twenty something other guys, I’ll have to live with disappointment. 

That’s all for me, for this season. I guess the door is finally closed on the romance between JoJo and Neil Lane. No matter who we wanted to win this season, I think we can agree on one thing: Neil and JoJo’s romance could’ve been one for the ages. 

P.S. If you want some positive JoJo-related news, the O.G. JoJo (the singer) has a new song out with Wiz Khalifa. I think that brings the official tally to… JoJo: 1,  JoJo: 0. Ironically her new song is called, “Fuck Apologies.” Also known as Robby’s new motto. 

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