What You Missed on this Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: Is Anyone Even Surprised Anymore?

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

The episode starts with a classic boy pow-wow, where the guys talk vulnerability. Chris Harrison comes to explain, mostly to the viewers, that there will be three one-on-one dates and a group date this week. Farquaad is getting nervous about this, because he hasn’t had a one-on-one date yet, and thus feels like his relationship isn’t moving fast enough. If this were a Skimm headline, it would say:

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU FIND OUT YOUR BOSS DOESN’T KNOW YOUR NAME…

However, the first one-on-one date this week goes to Alex, and when he finds out about it CeCe Peniston’s “Finally” plays in the background. 

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He is feeling it: finally, it’s happened to me, y’all. Collectively the rest of the boys are feeling more along the lines of: 

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If it wasn’t clear to everyone immediately, it becomes crystal clear that Alex has no future with JoJo as they eat Pringles in the back seat of a car. There’s about as much romance on this car ride as there was when my sisters and I used to eat Pringles in the back of our Chrysler mini-van on long car rides with my parents. If you ask me, I would much rather be with the other five *serious* contenders who are riding on a bus behind the car, rapping about what a little nugget Alex is. 

In all of Alex’s interviews he makes it clear that he thinks today is going to change everything. Alex:

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Eh, not really Alex. But you know what might help make this date better? If you put on a ridiculous hat. And, almost as if he heard me, he puts on the actual cartoon hat from Shrek and BECOMES LORD FARQUAAD.

*Frantically Googles every Lord Farquaad GIF on the internet*

Unfortunately, for Farquaad, it doesn’t take a magic mirror to know his future. In the words of the prophet, Beyonce, “Boy Bye.”

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But let’s check in on the other guys, who are currently on the side of the road eating BBQ. Well most of them are eating. Jordan is a “picky eater.” *Heavy eye roll.* Back on the date, JoJo and Alex are riding horses around a ranch. While on the horse, I’m pretty positive I see Alex pull out his iPhone and open Pokemon Go. Gotta catch em all? At one point, later in the date, JoJo and Alex make out on top of a horse. JoJo professes that she feels more connected to Farquaad after the date, but it’s definitely going nowhere fast. 

We’ve reached the point in the episode where the boys act completely dumbfounded by the new hotel they are moving to. For some reason, these guys are obliged to run around pointing at the pool and the beds with the excitement of child staying at a hotel for the first time. Before they even have time to jump on the beds, the date card arrives with Jordan’s name on it. Back on his date, Farquaad confesses his love to JoJo. But, JoJo tells him that it actually is just too little too late. Check mate, Alex. She sends him home. 

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JoJo and Jordan’s date involves a plane and a wine-making tutorial. The wine they makes looks hella gross, but they drink it, chunks and all. Unsurprisingly, when they get into the hot tub later, Jordan and JoJo have swapped out for better wine. JoJo and Jordan arrive at a dinner that she claims she “set up just for us.” I’m calling bull on that, JoJo. If the cameras weren’t a pretty clear indication, this is a television show. You for sure didn’t cook anything. 

At dinner Jordan smashes any hopes that he and JoJo would be able to go to the Superbowl next year when he announces that he and his brother (famous NFL quarterback) Aaron Rodgers are not on speaking terms. Here’s another Skimm title for this moment: 

WHAT TO SAY WHEN MERYL STREEP TELLS YOU YOU’RE NOT GOING TO PARIS…

To make up for the fact that JoJo won’t get to meet Olivia Munn, Jordan confesses his love to her and they make out briefly against a wall. Cards well played, Jordan. Cards well played. 

When the group date gets rained out this week, Chase, James and Robby have an indoor group date with JoJo. James Taylor professes he is bringing his A game, and then proceeds to stuff about 25 french fries in his mouth at one time. Not even the fact that JoJo is feeding them to him makes this more romantic. The boys do massage trains, play Pictionary, and play Truth or Dare. Robby strips down as part of a dare, “in the pursuit of love,” and runs mostly naked through the halls of the hotel. He apologizes to his Mammaw. To finish they watch The Brazilian version of The Bachelor (who knew that existed, right?), but it gets a little dramatic when James accuses Robby of having a wandering eye. 

Each of the boys makes a case for why JoJo should meet their families. Each of the guys lays it all out on the line, and leaves nothing behind. Somewhere in the middle of the boys’ five minute conversation about “front-runners,” I start to think that this show runs at least a half hour too long. Who cares who’s the front-runner? I’m over it. Thankfully, JoJo enters and finally gives out the group date rose. Robby wins this one. Robby gets a little bit more time with JoJo, and JT and Chase ride home alone in a town car. 

For the last one-on-one date, JoJo and Luke go play with horses. Ranch hand Luke is in his element on this date, skeet shooting and riding horses. Let’s just say that he looks polar opposite to Alex on a horse. He teaches her how to skeet shoot, and this whole thing is hella romantic. Texas forever, guys. 

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The Bachelor has all but eliminated the cocktail party as, post-Luke’s date, JoJo decides to head right into a rose ceremony. JT and Chase are freaking out, because they both assume one of them is going home. And they’re right, but everyone needs to chill. Here’s how it all shakes out: 

Hometown Honeys: Luke, Jordan, and Chase. 

Boy, Bye: James Taylor. You will be missed.

On the way out, James Taylor confesses that he hears, “You’ll find someone great, someday,” from a lot of girls he meets and he wants to know when someday will be. JT’s all like: 

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Well, JT, you just got pretty good exposure via this show. I expect to see you married off in the next 12 months. 

My picks: I love Chase, but I think he’s leavin’ on the next jetplane. Luke’s my pick overall, but I expect to get a lot of new information next week. 

Here’s a JoJo GIF to get you through the next week. 

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