What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: How Do You Say Awkward in Spanish?

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

The Bachelorette heading to Buenos Aires, Argentina, means that the Spanish language is about to be butchered worse than when I took Fourth Semester Spanish last Spring. (Only you know what that means, Profesora Datel.) So Chris Harrison, who decided to leave behind his Netflix and chill session and make the trip with the rest of the cast, has a little chat with JoJo. They talk for a little while about how big this week is going to be. In summary: Very big. Muy grande, if you will.

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Chris announces to the boys that this week there will be a group date, a one-on-one date and another two-on-one date. AKA the most awkward part of the whole show, AKA-AKA where people stop being polite and start getting real. And before the boys have even unpacked, a date card arrives with Wells’ name on it. Unprompted, he announces to the rest of the boys that he hasn’t kissed JoJo yet. Which is a little weird, because he is the only one who hasn’t kissed her yet. Come on, Wells, even Evan kissed JoJo already. (R.I.P. To America’s favorite penis doctor.)

Wells’ situation is all made a million times more awkward by the fact that the date card says, “Besáme, besáme, muchacho.” Now, I may have barely made it through the required Spanish courses at BU, but I definitely learned enough to know that that means, “Kiss me, kiss me, bro.” The gauntlet is thrown.  

JoJo takes Wells to a performance art show called Brute Force, where performance artists swim in the ceiling of some warehouse. I know this isn’t a great description of what was happening, but I really don’t understand the performance art and thus am having a hard time describing it. Later, JoJo and Wells get to swim in the ceiling too, which they both describe as “sexy.” This comes as a little bit of a surprise to me, because to me they look like a pair of beached whales. But, Wells finally makes a move and kisses JoJo and the country of Argentina lets out a deep sigh of relief. Finally. 

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Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives and reveals (by default) that Chase and Derek are going to be on the two-on-one date later. My fantasy team is going to take a hit this week.

Pretty soon JoJo comes to the conclusion, which we all knew back when Wells fainted in the fireman’s challenge week two, that she and Wells are better off just friends. JoJo says goodbye to him, and Radio DJ Wells drops a beat on his way out. I’m only joking, he tears up and walks out crying, but you get the picture. JoJo, for some reason, then walks back through the performance art show where there is now a rain simulator that pours down form overhead while JoJo cries in front of fifty random Argentinians. Hmmmm. Okay, ABC

Thankfully, JoJo stops crying in time for the group date. James Taylor hilariously says, “I sort of feel like I snuck onto this set.” If we’re being honest, James Taylor does sort of look like a PA on the show. But it’s his insecurity that actually makes him more attractive. Well played, JT. Well played.

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For the date, the boys all play soccer together in the streets of Buenos Aires, which culminates in a penalty shoot-off between all the guys for a kiss with JoJo. James Taylor, surprise, surprise, is the only one to make the shot and therefore the only one to kiss JoJo. Post-kiss, he seems much more confident: “I’m on a fast track to ‘I-Love-JoJoville.'” Oh, JT, thank goodness the earnest look works for you. 

For the post-soccer cocktail party (where were those when I used to play soccer?) JoJo gets a little one-on-one time with every guy. Things are “almost too perfect,” with Luke, as further evidenced by the hard-core make-out session they have on a bench at the cocktail party. It’s almost too much to watch. In his one-on-one time with JoJo, James Taylor starts to attack Jordan for the fact that he is maybe a little too cocky. Tread carefully, JT, the last boy to attack Jordan was left behind in the woods in Pennsylvania. (Can anyone confirm that he isn’t still out there wandering in the woods? JK, I saw him on Kimmel.)

When JoJo confronts Jordan about everything JT said, he gets really defensive. When Jordan arrives back at the couches post-chat and is met with JT, Robby and Farquaad, the room falls to dead silence. It’s an awkward silence the likes of which we haven’t seen since… you know what? Off the top of my head, I can’t think of a more awkward silence. When Jordan finally confronts JT on the couches, he tosses around the word “pathetic” to describe JT.  

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In light of this confrontation, JoJo gives the group date rose to Luke. Praise the lord. But something (maybe Jordan’s pretty aggressive voiceover saying that he wouldn’t let this go) makes me think that Jordan isn’t about to let this go. Second gauntlet thrown. 

It’s time for the two-on-one date. Awkward city, population: Chase and Derek. The boys are going to have a tango lesson on this date. Chase reveals to camera that he is horrible at dancing which we can pretty much confirm based off of this dance lesson. Despite JoJo’s best efforts to include both the guys, it definitely only takes two to tango. And, Derek seems to have taken the lead a little bit. Given the fact that Derek and Chase are both on my fantasy team, I am deeply uncomfortable. 

To further the awkwardness, they all go to dinner together. JoJo gets some one-on-one time with Derek first. He confesses to her that he is “falling for” her. Chase gets some time with JoJo, and she really starts to question whether or not he is feeling the love the way that she is. Chase tries to open up to JoJo, but has to ask himself the question of the hour: is it just a little too late, a little too wrong and she can’t wait?

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Luckily, Chase manages to save the day and opens up JUST in the nick of time. Chase gets the two-on-one rose and Derek cries in the back seat of the limo:

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I almost start to feel bad for him when he suddenly starts referring to himself in the third person. In the wise words of my older sister, “Your name is on the TV screen, dude. We know who you are.” Goodbye, Jim Halpert. Chase and JoJo dance to a rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina,” and lead us into commercial. Derek, I hate to rub dirt in the wound, but maybe ABC should do a rewrite of the song: the truth is she never loved you. 

Thankfully, for my sanity, we’ve arrived at the cocktail party/rose ceremony. At the party, Farquaad begins to express some nerves that he is the only one who hasn’t had a one-on-one date. And, after a few hours of talking, JoJo clearly hasn’t made up her mind any more. However, she carries on with the rose ceremony and here’s the gist: 

Ganadores: Robby, Jordan, JT and Farquaad (Alex). 

And, surprise, no one else went home this week. I am shocked. I really had Farquaad pegged for a limo ride home tonight. The little twerp ends the ceremony complaining about receiving “a pity rose.” Please just go back where you came from, Farquaad. I’m signing off with my picks once more. 

My picks: Chase (duh), and Luke. I refuse to entertain the other four as possibilities. Except maybe Robby. But not the other three.

As always, I’ll leave you with a JoJo GIF to help you through your week:

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