Another week, another very confused recap.
So, as we all remember, Jon Snow is alive. You know? Because why not bring him back to life? The guy who’s been like way too attached to Jon Snow’s corpse these three episodes, stands over Jon Snow as he finally wakes up. He asks Jon what he remembers, and Jon Snow remembers that he was stabbed and died. The Red Woman, whose magic haircut actually worked and brought Jon Snow back to life, asks Jon what he saw on the other side but he can’t remember anything. She also says something about Jon being a prince, but I thought he was a lord so that’s a little confusing also.
This dude looks at Jon: “You were dead. And now you’re back. That is fucking mad.” Thank you, dude. I feel like no one else is concerned by the potential ramifications of the GOT peeps bringing a character back to life. Jon keeps talking to the dude about how much of a failure he is, but excuse me Jon? Try being a senior in college speeding quickly toward a life of unemployment. Then we can talk about failure. Sorry, I’m projecting.
A couple people are worried about Jon being a “God” because he came back from the dead, but the one guy confirms that he isn’t a “God” because he has a small pecker. How can you beat that logic? The rest of the guys make fun of Jon some more. You know? Just some normal you-came-back-from-the-dead humor.
In the ocean somewhere, a girl and a guy named Sam are on a boat.
Sam gets a little seasick and it sort of seems like he has kidnapped this girl, I think. I’m not sure. He reveals that he is taking her to his home, and as it turns out I think she has his baby. But has she given birth or is she still pregnant? Because I don’t see this “little Sam” fellow anywhere.
Elsewhere in this crazy world some other guy, who I swear we haven’t seen this season yet, sharpens his sword. Turns out it’s another one of those flashbacks that Bran is always having. Would it be too much to ask for them to let us know before the flashbacks happen? It would make my life way easier. A fellow with some Russell Crowe hair is looking for his sister. Again, this is where the name tag idea I proposed earlier would come in handy. I sense his name isn’t actually Russell Crowe.
They get into some sort of scuffle with some other fellows, for reasons unbeknownst to me. Apparently the Russell Crowe dude is Bran’s father and always bragged about winning this fight, but Bran watches as some guy literally stabs the guy Russell Crowe is fighting in the back. So Russell was lying. Then Russell Crowe runs to a tower which, based off the reactions of my friends watching, seems important. Bran wants to go too, but the white-haired man who lives in a tree brings him back to the real world.
Somehow, an entire episode later, Dany and the Dothraki are still walking through the desert. She is brought to what I suspect is the mansion for the Real Ex-wives of the Dothraki and she is stripped naked and changed. The women there want to know why she hasn’t joined the Real Ex-wives clan sooner, and she pulls the whole, “I am the breaker of chains, mother of dragons” line in order to get them to respect her.
Elsewhere, the bald guy whose name definitely starts with a “V’ calls this woman to a tomb in order to torture her. I’m not sure what info she has or why he’s being so creepy, but he tells her that he knows who she is and what she’s done. “V” will you tell me what you know? Cause I am v confused. (Get it, “V” and v? LOL.) She seems pretty badass but he threatens her son a little bit. But then he says her son is in no danger, so I’m not sure what he’s talking about. Finally “V” fills me in and tells me that this girl conspired to kill the queen’s soldiers. However, there are way too many queens and kings on this show, so I am not sure at all who she was really conspiring to kill.
Tyrion is hanging out with some of the people who work with the unsullied. He wants them all to play games, to which I suggest Heads Up or Cards Against Humanity. Black Card: “This month’s Cosmo: Spice up your sex life by bringing _____ into the bedroom.” White Card: “Your sister, Cersei the shamed ex-queen.” (Never making another incest joke again, that felt wrong.)
Some poor children are hanging out in another area of the world. They are in this barn with a creepy-looking older guy. Why is he babysitting these children? He literally gives them candy as a bribe in exchange for “whispers.” This is all getting way too To Catch a Predator for me. Finally, Cersei and Jamie come in and have a convo with the creepy predator. They are coming to him in order to get him to spy on the townspeople for them.
The cast of Golden Girls is sitting around a table when Jamie and Cersei come in. I’m only joking, Betty White isn’t there, but every single person at that table is definitely 75+ years old. They are not very happy to see the two of them, because apparently there isn’t a seat on the Small Council for Jamie or Cersei. But come on guys! Just pull over a chair, there’s room enough at table for all of them! Jamie takes my advice and sits at the table. According to him they have a lot to discuss.
Elsewhere the boy king goes to the grandfather from What a Girl Wants, to demand that Cersei get to see her daughter’s gravesite. The grandfather says no because apparently she hasn’t atoned enough for her sins. Apparently Cersei has to atone to the gods in order to be considered clean.
Arya is in some chamber place where she is fighting that crazy girl again. You know the one who won’t leave her alone? This girl keeps beating Arya and asks her some questions about her family. But, can’t she just visit Arya Stark’s Wikipedia page like the rest of us? Oh good, the guy with the long hair is there also. Arya confesses her list of people she wants to kill, but the mean girl thinks that she isn’t admitting all of the people she wants dead. The long-haired dude asks her her name again, but you guessed it, the girl has no name. Dude get the picture already, she doesn’t have a name. He also feeds her some water that magically gives her her eyesight back. Okay, we’ll pretend that makes sense.
The baby-killing dude who murdered his father last episode is talking to a different guy with long hair about the death of his father. He’s still going with the story that his father was poisoned by his father’s enemies.
He’s at Winterfell, the childhood home of the Starks I think, and they are talking about Jon Snow and the Wildlings and how they need to defeat them. The guy with the long hair brought a gift for the baby-killer: a Wildling woman and Rickon Stark. At first the baby-killer doesn’t believe its Rickon but once he sees the head of his dog (not Air Bud but a distant cousin of his), he finally believes that the boy is Rickon.
Back wherever Jon Snow is, everyone gathers to hang the peeps that killed him. Each of them has some last words, some more interesting than others, and finally I know why they killed Jon Snow: because he brought the Wildlings in to fight with the Night’s Watch. Okay, so new information. They hang the traitors and I want to thank HBO for the disgusting and super unnecessary close-ups of their dead bodies that they show us. Jon Snow gives Castle Black and a nice winter coat to that guy who I said probably wasn’t important in my first recap, and walks off. I’m not quite sure what the significance of the winter coat is, but I suspect, like everything in Game of Thrones, it symbolizes something. And then the credits roll. Wonderful, another week and I am just so confused.
Question Mark Count: 40. 12 more question marks after this episode. Seriously, what in the world is going on on this show? (I guess that brings my tally to 41.)