Take two of this terribly uneducated and ill-informed recap of Game of Thrones, here we go: 

An old guy lurks in the middle of the woods and a boy is on the ground dead. In what looks to be a flashback the two of them are watching these two little boys sword fight when suddenly a girl rides in on a huge white horse. The first boy, who I’m pretty sure isn’t dead but is dreaming, is watching creepily over these children playing, and reveals that the boys and girl playing are his father, uncle and aunt, respectively. I guess he’s dreaming? I’m really not sure. Maybe it’s magic? I have no idea. When the old guy says it’s time to go, he immediately brings the boy back to what might be the chamber of secrets. At least it looks like that to me. 

There’s also another creepy woman in the chamber with them and I’m not sure who she is at all. In the forest it turns out Hodor is also there and that he was one of the friends playing with the little boys and girl from the flashbacks. Turns out they aren’t in the chamber of secrets but are in some cave somewhere in the cold. There’s also another girl there, some red-headed girl who seems really stoic and pensive and who has a look about her as if she has served hard prison time.

The boy, whose name is Bran as I’ve learned, is talking to the red-headed girl about some three-eyed raven who apparently says that a war is coming. I’m not sure if the weirdest part about that statement is that the raven has three eyes or that he can talk. This girl does not seem happy about her lot in life, or with Bran, who as it turns out can’t even walk and has to be carried around. Seriously who is the other woman with them who looks creepy? I’m watching this alone tonight and she is CREEPY-AF, and there is no one here to explain who she is. Also, apparently Bran has a lot of “visions” like the one of his father and aunt and uncle. Okay, I’ll pretend like I know what’s going on. 

Somewhere else snowy, Jon Snow is still dead and those men from the last episode are still at a standstill with Jon Snow’s murderer. One of the guys with Jon says, “I’m not much of a fighter” and then pulls out his sword. Air Bud (the dire wolf) is ready to fight and the guys outside start chopping down the door to get to Jon Snow’s body, but they are interrupted when they hear something happening outside. Outside the front gate a giant and some men with swords come in to fight the members of the Night’s Watch (not the one’s protecting Jon Snow but the other ones).  

Despite their best efforts, the members of the Night’s Watch are definitely not going to be able to beat this giant and his friends so they give up. As it turns out, that guy who I mentioned in last week’s recap and who ran out without anyone ever mentioning where he was going, WAS an important character. He is the one who went to go get help and to get the giant. There’s no one here to answer any of my questions as I watch this, so I’m just going to assume that the giant and his friends are the Wildlings. 

In a different area of the world, some creepy guy on the street keeps bragging about a time when he saw the queen Cersei and basically sexually harassed and exposed himself to her. Despite the fact that he assures his audience (and us) that he “is not the type of guy that would lie about this,” I really think he’s lying. Later he goes and pees in an alley when some soldier giant guy comes in and crushes his skull against a wall. Good riddance, that guy seems like kind of an asshole. 

Cersei is still chilling in the castle when that giant guy who crushed the other guy’s skull comes to her and they leave together to go to her daughter’s funeral. The king (her son I think?) is not at all happy about this and sends a ton of soldiers to make sure she doesn’t leave her chambers. She demands to see her son, the king, but isn’t allowed because men are the worst. Broad overstatement but whatever. 

At the funeral the king and Jamie mourn over the dead body, and the king tells Jamie that he didn’t let his mom come for her own good. It’s clear that the king also feels a substantial amount of guilt about how he’s treated the women in his life in the past. Just based off what he says he’s done, it seems like he was kind of a shitty son/husband. Cue the grandfather from What a Girl Wants who shows up to talk about all of the things he is afraid of. I’m fairly certain that there is a greater point to him rambling on about his fear of heights, but I’m not sure what it is.

Jamie almost kills the grandfather when suddenly a bunch of men in black robes who are there to defend the grandfather surrounds them. Somewhere else the king goes to see his mom, Cersei, to apologize for all of the shit he’s done to her. 

In another location somewhere, Tyrion and his bald friend whose name I can’t remember but absolutely starts with a “V,” are discussing the state of affairs of the areas around them. Apparently since Dany left, the dragons are on a hunger strike and are at risk of dying. Tyrion decides to go try and feed them and descends into this creepy tomb which looks really similar to the tomb where the treasure was found in National Treasure. Waiting for Tyrion at the bottom of the tomb isn’t Nicolas Cage, but two very hungry and angry dragons that are not that excited to see Tyrion. Tyrion and the dragons have a heart to heart and he unchains them. 

Still blind and begging on the street, Arya encounters that girl who keeps trying to fight her. She basically beats the shit out of Arya (again, really?) and then disappears. Another guy with ridiculously long hair appears and offers her food, shelter and to give her her eyesight back if she’ll just tell him her name, but she refuses. Not sure why it’s so important to her that she not tell him her name or why he cares so much, but she won’t tell him and he decides to take her back to his home anyway. 

Somewhere else in this crazy world, those guys that were chasing Sansa last episode are talking to an older guy about where she is headed. They think she’s going to go to Castle Black. At this point, if I knew where/what Castle Black was, I might have a funny or interesting bit of information to provide. But all I know is that it’s a castle and that it might be black. Oh, and that Sansa may or may not be headed there. So I’ve got very little to go on.

After it is announced that the older guy in this convo has a new son, the guy that was chasing Sansa (the older guy’s bastard by the way) kills the older guy with a sword. Why? l really couldn’t say. But does anyone really need a reason to kill anyone on this show? I’m not sure they do. After killing the old guy, he leads the new baby and his own mother into a locked area where he basically feeds them to dogs. What a crazy psycho. 

Sansa and Brienne are in the snowy woods talking about their past choices, and as it turns out they ARE headed to Castle Black. Greyboy (I know his name is Greyjoy but I like this nickname better) decides that he probably shouldn’t go with her to Castle Black because he pretty much betrayed her family a ton of times, and he is scared to face them. 

I briefly thought the Red Woman made an appearance, but it turns out to be some old guy with long hair. He and his daughter are arguing because she was trying to rescue Greyboy. The argument goes as most father-daughter arguments go– he threatens to have another child and heir if she doesn’t get in line. You know? Normal father-daughter stuff. The old guy leaves to go cross some bridge in the rain when he is met by his “brother” who, for some unnamed reason, will not let him cross the bridge. At any point this bridge seems like it might collapse, and the brother introduces himself as something called “the Drowned God,” which I have no idea what means. When the old guy pulls out a knife, the Drowned God throws him over the side of the bridge where he falls to his death. R.I.P. crusty old man, R.I.P. For her part, his daughter seems really sad at his funeral and also real concerned about who is going to take over his thrown. Not clear whether or not she and “the Drowned God” know each other. 

In the next scene the actual Red Woman is sitting by the fire when that guy protecting Jon Snow’s body arrives and begs her to bring Jon Snow back from the dead. She says no, but eventually caves and gives Jon Snow some sort of haircut that is going to bring him back to life. Not sure what’s going on there. When that haircut combined with some chant in a foreign language still can’t bring him back to life, everyone storms out of the room super pissed. Of course, as soon as they all leave (except for Air Bud who, loyal as they come, is sleeping by the fire), Jon awakes and then the credits roll. 

Woof this week was a doozy. I’m not going to lie, I was expecting to understand more. Here’s my tally for this week: 

Number of question marks I’ve used in these recaps: 28 question marks so far. Only 8 more question marks this week, mostly because I’ve stopped asking questions and just resigned myself to having no idea what’s going on.